You’d think as I grow older, I would have chosen a more intricate, less colloquial title right?

Wrong.

I’m caffeinated and now I can’t sleep, yet I have to wake up at 3am for my 4am swim class. 

I hate not being able to fall asleep, because my mind wanders on the most unnecessary things. Things like, “How are you?” “Have you been dating well?” “I am happy to see you happy.”

How long will it take for me to work hard, until I can finally settle down and find the one, so that I can move on for once? 

But right now, I can’t even manage as my cadence of my heart palpitation grew faster, as I breathe heavy, taking one breath at a time. I am self aware, yet I self destruct.

Maybe I need more work, things I tell myself, in the midst of the gaslight. In reality, I do, and they are mountainous, and I can’t seem to say no. I need to prove myself better. Oh no, I screwed up, and I can’t do damage control. I speak ill of others, yet I don’t see the girl in the mirror. 

And yet I still have the audacity to feel empty? I’m deluding myself for sure. 

Get to work girl, and then we talk.

(This is what happens when I live a sedentary lifestyle for ONE week, I just immediately got myself into yapanese literature.)

 "You're very hungry for more", said a manager as he discusses my performance evaluation 3 years ago. By this year, I would have made the 4th year mark in the central bank. Yet, I am still a beginner. It's a little sad that I had to stumble and fall many times to finally reach this level. But that's okay.

However, I feel like I've lost that hunger. I no longer feel like I want to push myself. I wish I was that same person that was willing to stay up at night reading about the macroeconomy, which was ultimately, the work that I do now anyway. I believe I have worked tirelessly last year, and I just want to breathe.

But there is this lingering fear of wanting to truly breathe. That is, what if it is a privilege to do so? What if it's selfish to do so? There are so many aspects of my life that I need to work on, but I have yet to work on. I am left with the device that sinks me into the black hole. And instead of feeling hungry, I am drowning. The worst part is, I am doing it on purpose. 

My relationships are starting to fall apart once again, and part of me feels that I am losing in some parts of my life too. 

I tend to conclude my writings with something uplifting, but today isn't one of the days. There's something I got to do, I know it, but I will lament on this for a while.

Tomorrow, I will be going to the battlefield, for the third time.

Some people may wonder, "why bother? You're already out of the place." 

For some reason, I am reminded of my blog post at the start of the year, The Swan Song. Life got in the way, but that didn't mean I forgot that my swan song is due. Yes, I am going back to war for my pride. Because for as long as I haven't finished composing my swan song, there will always be this sword hanging over my head, rocks on my shoulders, weighing on me. 

If anything, I have got nothing left to lose. As a hopeless romantic, I am also reminded of what a friend said as she urged me to confess my feelings to the guy I pined for years, "What are you waiting for? You've got nothing left to lose!". Similar to this, I have got nothing to lose. I am in a decent workplace, that allows me to grow, and more importantly, one that accommodates me in my agenda to redeem my pride. 

And apart from my pride, I realised why I'm so keen on doing this.

Part of me knows, that I actually truly like to learn, for the sake of learning.

Yes, I am not a scorer or a natural, but that doesn't mean I don't like seeking knowledge. No knowledge is not worth learning, even this. I am doing this solely to learn, because learning is an ibadah. 

"They can take away your promotion, and everything else, but they cannot take away your knowledge.", was what my manager said to me when I doubted myself and wanted to quit altogether. It's really ironic how my current manager has been the most supportive in my pursuit of this battle, despite on the surface, this may not benefit the team. But she is one of those whom I know value knowledge, and so I am indeed very blessed to be around knowledge seekers. 

Therefore, I will be that mirrorball, trying, and trying and trying, because really, I am not a quitter, and never will be. 

Seeing them as your story viewer doesn’t make your heart skip a beat anymore

You almost forgot your daily ritual of seeing their socials

You realised you never really wanted them to love you back, you just wanted the attention you never got from the different gender 

which really stems from the fact that you think you are unworthy

so you take in every little interaction with the opposite gender as a romantic gesture

and you took it personally when you realise you they don’t think of you that way

and punish yourself for it

you realise that Allah is the only One who will ever truly love you

He has given you so much

You only ever need one or two to love you

A family member, a friend, a cat, the fish in the aquarium

But His love is the Most eternal

By truly realising His love

You finally fell out of love from a person who doesn’t reciprocate 

And while you find your one, you start focusing on your purpose in the dunya

To prepare for the beautiful ending in Jannah

It is truly happening.

I am leaving, I am en route to my next journey. I am honoured that the big bosses want to see me. But why do I feel sad? Why do I feel ungrateful? 

I guess I am leaving to a new, foreign place. Younger me would be ecstatic for a fresh start. But older me knows that restarting isn’t as rosy as what people think. I am aware of the intensity, the “no-life” culture, the brutality. But I guess it’s the same thing I heard when I started here. But it turned out to be alright. Perhaps it’ll be alright too.

I was told that I am the glue of the team. But my departure would mean they would need to find another adhesive. I made the culture (at least in my team) such that we are happy. We look forward to lunches and dinner together (albeit it being farewell ones), we look forward to chatting about nonsensical things during working hours, and I’ve had the best time.

“If only I didn’t mess up.” Things I said to myself.

But amid the hurricane, I managed to secure a couple of things.

I met colleagues whom I can cherish as friends for the rest of my life. I found peace at home, a place I once hated. I found out that there are people who actually love me and care for me, and I didn’t need anything else. I found little ways to be gentle with myself. More importantly, I am now closer to the family members who care for me. I spent more time with Allah. And really, I don’t need anything else in this world.

I can lose a job I love, I can lose people who don’t reciprocate my love, I can lose anything in the world. But with Allah and my family, I know that I will be at peace.