Last year during new year's eve, I was alone in Sherbourne, and when I say it's depressing, it really is, because Coventry is a ghost town during the holidays and most students went back to their house, or went to a holiday so I was alone in my flat, not knowing what to do. Out of frustration, I bought a last minute ticket to visit my friend in London, and it wasn't that bad.

I vowed to myself not to feel depressed again like last year and will spend New Year's with my friends in London. So I did.

And truthfully, when I was in Malaysia, I didn't appreciate my time there, the serenity, the company of my best friends aka my cousins, the company of my mom and how she tries to cheer me up when I was upset. As I grow older, I try to hide my problems from her and I become quite good at that. But the longer I keep it to myself, the more gloomy I become, and I became a different person. The gloom on my face was interpreted, and it looked as if I was unhappy to be with them. But honestly, it was just the demons that were controlling me.

So here I was in London, and my friend I've always stayed over with now have other friends to attend to. Everyone else have their own lives to live, the other housemates are happily watching Korean movies, and me?

I watched the London fireworks from the window. Alone.

I finally got what I want, but it was so-

Lonely.

The feeling of loneliness can be so darkening. It seeps through your soul, making you think that you are worthless and that your whole life, you will be,

alone.

And that I wish my family was here.

I was to them a disposable friend. That's when I realise, they don't care about me, in fact, none of them do. And I can try to be a part of them but in the end, I am nothing. Even when they tell me I could, in the end, I am disposable.

And that when I am with my family, the people who care for me most, I should have been grateful. I should have just set myself free. Tell them the truth, my problems, my secrets.

Because friends, huh, friends, they don't care. Once they own your secret. it will be flying off elsewhere.

And you'll be alone.

Loneliness is a problem I have and always will. But it doesn't have to be forever. There will be people who will appreciate me, it just takes an awful amount of time to find a true one.

But Alhamdulillah, it was still a good new year's day for me, alone or not, I got to be in the city of my dreams. I worked hard to be where I am now and I hope 2019 will be a year of more hustling and being happy, content and blessed.