How is it that the whole world is falling apart;

I am on the phone googling "coronavirus uk", every 5 minutes and the growth rate of COVID-19 cases are at its peak as we speak, my supervisor is only willing to contact me via Skype, the Malaysian politics is in a turmoil and we're back with a cabinet of those we've worked so hard to eliminate.

And yet, my life has never been better because I get to spend time with you.

Two weeks ago, I thought I had an awful time because you turned down the offer to go for a drink with me, when I had to muster a huge chunk of courage to ask you out. I also felt the time we had was underwhelming, and that you wanted to speed things up. Then, you walked off to go meet your friend.

Maybe I asked you out on the wrong timing. But I was still unsatisfied, leading me to understand that I am really just your swim partner, and nothing else. And I felt that this session would be our last. I got the closure I needed for me to move on with my life.

So imagine how I felt, when I posted my swimming picture on Facebook days after, and instead of liking it like a typical friend, you gave it a 'love'.

My heart also raced a little faster when you spontaneously asked me if I want to go for a swim the day after. Despite the alarming rate of the cases of COVID-19, you decided to ask me out still. 

I gave in, and said yes. You gave me a hard swimming set, but I pulled through, like I always would. You waited for me to finish my laps, even when you've already done yours. I've never seen a smile as wide when I complimented you on your swimming abilities. You tried to return the favour by complimenting on mine, but I felt that you were just being nice, and that my insecurity got over me, almost instantly, so I said thanks, but my heart was doing a somersault. You smile again when I complimented on your ability to sprint. You get all gentleman-like when you respect my religious belief. You waited for me at the end of the session, when I thought you'd left. You said you waited at the cafe because you were waiting for me, and my heart melted. I hope you know that I am a good actor, so I hide my feelings very well, although sometimes it fails. When we reunite post-swim, you immediately asked if I was headed home. I said yes, and you said you were headed to Tesco. And I said, oh, well my house is on the way to Tesco. So we walked together. 

You laugh at my self-deprecating jokes, because you know what I plan is exactly how a typical uni student plans. I mentioned that I've been spending time making new friends, and made roti canai, and you noticed because I posted the roti canai on my Story. You reveal that you, too, are a listener of Malay jiwang songs. I jumped when you mentioned my favourite artist's name. Did you do your research? Or was it a coincidence? You encouraged me to submit my dissertation to a conference. You didn't mind when I started asking about the problems you've encountered during our former meets, and you followed up on it. You feel comfortable in the state you are in, you mention feeling more free after a long time, and I was reminded of the Story you posted the other day. As we walk, you told me to be careful as to not step on duck poo, so I gracefully swivelled my feet away from it. When we arrived at Tesco, I made an excuse to go in with you as I "may have forgotten to restock my bananas". You offered to hold the basket, and I said, it is for you. I introduced you to the plant-based meat I've been eating since I am practising vegetarianism. You held it for a while, and said you will do more research on it. I asked if you are going to do more shopping, and you said, you will window shop now, so I can leave if I want to. My heart fell, but I know we're just friends, so I respect your time and parted from you.

A few hours later you texted saying you caved and bought the plant-based meat I introduced, I was beyond happy. But I am not used to elongating conversations, so I stopped there.

Can't you see, I am being observant? Can't you see how I am falling in deep for you?

Now I grin when I'm alone, upon seeing your icon on my Story viewer list. I post a lot, just to see if you're willing to go see all of them.

I start going back to googling and trying to decipher all the little things you did last Sunday. And it is unhealthy. 

So the best thing to do now is to stop Gatsbying. And let you know me, for me. Not from what I write on social media. 

I want you to make that effort to know me personally, if it is true,

that you really do feel the same way,

as I feel for you.