One big takeaway I've gotten from 2018 is definitely to be accepting of myself.

It is hard to say this, even for someone who was formerly a perfectionist. I believe that I couldn't accept myself in the past, I would always say, "I should have done better, I should have done this, I should have done that." The word should is a verb that describes regret. Which is what I must stop doing. Instead of saying should, I could instead say. Yes, I've done something wrong in the past. But I will be better. Will is a more demanding yet positive word. I must also, most importantly, remember to take into account that

life may not turn out as how I want it to be

and I've learnt to fully accept that.

What inspired me to write this post was that I've gotten my recent test result today. For those who are unfamiliar with the UK grading system, let me break it down to you. Instead of CGPAs, we have grades and we call the best grade as first class. The second class is divided into two; second upper and second lower, then third class (which is a pass) and then a fail. I got a 2:1, which is second upper. I was really happy about it because in first year, I would usually just get a maximum of 2:2 (second upper), or third class, or worse, just failed the test. So getting a 2:1 was a big deal for me. I was with my mom when I saw my result, and I accidentally told her I was 4 marks away to a first. And she said, "imagine if you actually worked harder." 

Honestly it was a pang in my chest at first. Because let's face it, I did work hard. But maybe I didn't work hard enough, I did study last minute for this test, but I was still happy about it because I know this was the best I got for this module so far. And I've got one test left, so I have another chance of getting a first for that one. I guess she said that so that I work harder next time but in the end, I have accepted that mark and there is nothing else I could do about it but to move on. I look forward to see what went wrong so that I do not repeat the same mistakes as I did for the test.

I've also accepted the fact that although I've studied consistently, I didn't truly understand the content, which makes it hard for me to explain the concept in words. Which means that I need to study.

I've allowed my secret project to take up so much of my time, that I've admittedly abandoned my studies.

This is for my future self, if you are panicking and you feel like you are wasting your time, take a deep breath, and start studying.

But it's okay, I have one and a half week in Malaysia and I look forward to study tomorrow.

"pain is temporary, a first class is forever"
- my friend.