The pEak of my anxiety.

I kind of anticipated this due to experiencing it for the past few years. I'm really thankful for this university as they allowed me to realise that I do have anxiety, and they do not equate me with other people who have anxiety. And I am thankful for what I've become. Yes, I am still as careless as I was, I still have anxiety attacks. But I have come far to know how to manage it.

Those hours spending on self-development, managing anxiety and procrastination workshops make me realise that I am not alone in this journey, and that the only thing pulling me back is myself.

I also think for the past few years, I was adjusting to the fact that I am no longer as smart as I was before. If my mom reads this, she would say stop telling negative things about myself. But that's a fact. but it only means I have to work harder, and 

lower down my ego.

Growing up, I loved teaching and mentoring peers. I felt so accomplished that I even made a post about it. What a snobby prick. Hahaha. Those days are long gone and I find myself confused in my lectures and seminars. I literally have four modules and my test results have proven to me that I need a LOT of work for my exams.

The best part about all these is that my university decided to move the exam schedule forward to a month. Basically I thought I had 2 months to study a module I'm weak at so I decided to hold it and focus on the module which is more content-heavy. And when Warwick drops that exam bomb, I think everyone just exploded. And here I am barely surviving with my occasional panic attacks about my exam. Don't worry, this post isn't me procrastinating. It's just for me to reflect on what I've learnt after years of not being as bright.

1. Don't be afraid to go up to your friends to ask for help

So I took Finance as an optional module. Will it be a regrettable decision? I don't think so because deep down I really do love Finance. It has some Maths and problem solving and I love those kind of things. I'm just surprisingly sh*t at it. I also happen to have a smart housemate who takes Accounting and Finance. I was today years old when I found out I am literally learning the same content as an A&F student. My lecturer literally copy pasted the lecture notes from them, or vice versa idk. 

Had I known this earlier I would have just studied Finance with her since 7 months ago. But its alright, I have 25 days left (omg my heart started beating a lot worse) to Finance so I guess I still have time.

2. Managing your anxiety takes time, but it will be worth it.

I have had the roughest days last week. With my laptop needing to be repaired, siphoning money from my bank account, managing my summer plans, having to deal with issues, and exams. It was overwhelming for me so I learnt to list down everything that worries me and divide them into things I can control and things I can't. Things I can't include, the inflation of the flight tickets while waiting for my MHExplorer account to be activated, my laptop's breakdown and the time it takes to repair it, leaving me laptop-less once again. But what I can control is that I can find alternate study resources. For instance, I managed to come to the library super early in the morning to call dibs on their laptop. It's like The Amazing Race here in the library, Warwick should definitely consider getting a renovation on the library. Though I must say, good job on the new Sports Hub. I really can't wait to reunite with my laptop once again. Also, I learnt to back up my data. All the pictures I took and videos  that I was gonna edit are all gone. But um, I only have myself to blame. I am just going to pay for that extra iCloud storage and be done with it.

3. If you ever had to feel un-smart, it is indeed a wonderfully humbling experience.

Sometimes, I look at my friends who seem to get their life together. Pictures leaning on the LSE wall, living their best lives with their boyfriends, winning awards from university, but I guess I no longer crave for those things anymore. One thing I am trying to deviate from is trying not to be sad that I may or may not have disappointed my family. I am an adult now, and this is my life so they can no longer expect anything from me. But I hope I made them proud though. *cries*

It is truly a humbling experience to not get everything you've hoped for, to not understand the content even after you've looked at the lecture notes for the 527th time. But if you do not get the content, you can always reach out for help. I hope I am reminded that I am never alone in this journey.

Last Ramadhan, I felt like Allah was telling me that me being in Warwick is not because I didn't work hard enough for UCL, nor that I was a bad servant. It is because Warwick is the best for me. And it is true. Not gonna lie, I started to really like this tiny town and its serenity. I love how it supports my growth and it allows me to be better each time, as I surround myself with the most inspiring people I know. I can't wait for this year's Ramadhan. I have a feeling this will be the best one yet.