Sometimes I tell myself, why do I feel the need to post my whole life online? and I kinda bring myself down for this.

Then I realised, I can do whatever the hell I want, if it makes me happy.

I also found out about the term, "Gatsbying", where people post stuff just to impress the people they like, the same as how Gatsby held pompous parties hoping that one day Daisy would attend them.

I admit, I do that and I would get replies from the guy I like, he would react to them, I will get really happy. But then I ask myself, "how will I react to his reaction? Do I like his reaction? But liking his reaction means sending a heart to him, that would make it too obvious that I like him?" And the overthinking continues.

And just like that, he's no longer a frequent viewer to my stories and no longer likes my photos. That doesn't stop me from admiring him from afar, and I'll keep doing this again and again because honestly, this is a lot better than being brave and confessing.

Reality is often disappointing. I'm 21, I'm about to graduate soon, and people have started asking, have I found someone? Sometimes I think to myself, why the need to find someone?

Even my mom said, I think it's good to have a boyfriend, to be able to travel together, and feel safer, rather than only traveling with female friends. Sometimes I would look at my whatsapp and the last time I texted a guy was because I needed help with econometrics.

I am sure I am not that ugly-looking, I probably do need to work on my body shape and all. Sometimes I feel like people don't want to be around me because of my strong personality. I have a friend who kept asking me why she's single, and she kept asking about her self-worth. Is being single really that bad though?

But I find joy in sharing my stories online, I feel a closer connection with my friends, the ones whom I barely talk in real life because they're so far away, or maybe the truth is, I don't have that much friends in real life. But that's also not true. Because I do have a number of close friends, the ones who are there for me. And it's better to have a relatively small number of friends than have a lot of friends who backstab you. I never really had to feel the latter, so I'm really blessed.

I find myself doing a lot of stuff alone. Because I tell myself, if no one is gonna do it with me, I'll do it myself. I ate the best salmon and cream cheese bagel by myself, I go to funfairs by myself, I go spend time at my favourite sushi place by myself, I want to do solo traveling but obviously my family would be too scared of my safety.

Well anyways, I think this is what jetlag does to you. I'm casually typing a post about loneliness at at 4am when I will be on my way to do a surprise party I've planned for one of my close friends at 10am. Ah, the irony.