My mother brought this topic up during our Zoom meeting today, so I felt the need to write this down. To my fellow high school classmates, you've already heard this in my oral presentation. I got a 100 for this, so I reckon it's a story worth telling. This will be my first time writing this, so, bear with me. Phew, my heart is racing, lips is pursuing. Inhaling deep, let's do this.

It was in 2009, and I was in primary. I share a van with a couple of kids to go to the primary school. I don't remember much, but I remember a boy. He was frail and skinny, but quite good-looking for his age. He shares the same van as me. After school ended, I would always reach the van earlier, then followed by him and a couple of other students. Some students would go to the 7-Eleven beside our school to get some Slurpee, so we had to wait for them. He taunted me every day, telling me that I am fat. If ever, I were to go get a Slurpee or buy some satay sticks from the motorbike guy who sells it, he would say, "do you really need that? You're already so fat!" 

He said it every day till it gotten in my head. As if there was something wrong with me. I started buying Seventeen magazines and would try to find out ways to be skinny - fast!

And at the same time, I stopped eating.

I starved myself because I thought that would be the solution to this never ending cycle. I didn't even mind him mentioning that to me every time, because I knew I was indeed, abnormal and that I had to change. Until I got sick. I got so sick, I threw up. My mom would try to feed me rice and I would instantly throw up the minute I eat it. This happened for about two to three months. 

Alhamdulillah, I got better. But I think for mom, she decided, we can't live like this anymore. We really had a very unhealthy lifestyle before. We would start the day driving to One Utama, being the first two people to queue at Golden Screen Cinemas to get movie tickets, then buying two large caramel popcorns to accompany us during the movie. But from that incident onwards, she decided to sign both of us up for a run. Our very first run is the Terry Fox Run at Taman Tasik Titiwangsa. It was a 5km run, but it was a start to our fitness journey. Apart from running, I also go for my weekly swim classes so in a way, it did keep me occupied. And slowly, I saw something changing.

Honestly, I remained the same physically.  I wouldn't call myself the f-word, but I noticed that I had a more positive outlook on myself. I started to love doing sports, I love the feeling of the wind gushing through my ponytail as I ran past the trees surrounding the houses in Kuala Lumpur. Our normal running route was the one passing through the Central Bank of Malaysia and their fancy conference place called Sasana Kijang, which would prompt me to apply for their scholarship years later. We started joining more and more races, from 5km to 10km and all the way to 21km. Four years later, I boldly represented the Red House for a 1500m run and trained with my friend, Sheann. I think that was when my stamina was at its peak, because when I went to a boarding school a year later, I got 4th place in the school's cross country! I genuinely find sports something that makes me happy. If you ask any athlete why they do what they do, surely they'd say its because of the feeling they get after. 

These past few years, I branched out to more sports. I tried boxing, yoga, spinning and dance (yes dance is a sport don't try to convince me otherwise) and every single sport I do would make me feel so so happy afterwards. The best part is, doing sports gave me the confidence. The confidence fluctuates of course, but once I started frequently doing sports, I don't really mind how I look like physically, if that makes sense? It's like, "ok, I did THAT, I managed to finish a whole class without leaving after the first 15 minutes." People can say things about me, but it really doesn't matter anymore.

So really, the main reason why I do sports, or even a wee bit of workout is for my mental health. I am never letting anyone else criticise my self worth. You may tell me that I am overweight, but can you go for a 3 hour dance workshop right after a 3km swim? I think not. So, you have the right to remain silent. I love and embrace my energy now and I hope no 11 year old had to experience what I had experienced. Had it not been for sports, I would not have this love I have towards myself. I really hope that those who have been called the f-word, or even those who were called "too skinny", take it with a pinch of salt. Instead, work on yourself, for you. Because trust me, once you start loving yourself, you are unstoppable.