Ah, if it isn't the infamous quote by Stephen Chbosky in The Perks of Being a Wallflower. But it is true, right? We do accept the love we think we deserve. When sometimes, we deserve so, so much more.

I recently had a proper closure with someone from my past. I know I've got a long way to go, but it's been years, so I believe it's time to forgive. He mentions that he found someone who grows together with him. And honestly, I felt nothing but happiness for him. Because really, it is what he truly deserves.

In the past, deep down I knew we weren't meant to be, but I refused to accept the fact that the connection we once had was gone for good. What's worse was that, his departure left me truly heartbroken, because that's what happens when you love someone, it truly is hard to let them go, because you've seen so much of them, the good, the bad and the ugly, but at one point, you can't be their saviour all the time. And yet, we think we deserve that kind of love, hence why we keep trying to save it, but at one point, we know that it's time, to let it go. 

Writing this may seem easy, but dang, believe me when I tell you, it is hard. Literally everything will remind you of the person. But you know what really helped?

Finding myself.

In a way, going to a university 6,752 miles away from him seems like a perfect escape plan. To completely let him go. But it isn't easy with the presence of social media. You aren't human if you don't create a fake account just to stalk your ex, especially if you're still hung up over them. Well, if you haven't, feel free to reach me via the DMs because I would LOVE to know how y'all cope lol. And that does not help at all, knowing that they've moved on, and you haven't. Sometimes, it even seems unfair. Shit, why does he get all the happiness and I get this? We will go back to this question later.

But as I got into university, I started doing stuff I genuinely liked. I tried out some random things in first year and ended up not liking them, but it's okay, at least I tried. In second year, I truly explored swimming and dancing, my favourite things to do on Earth. I even expanded to try Triathlon, and boy, when I tell you, triathlon is no easy work. I cycled to Kenilworth with the loveliest ladies. I even did my first sprint triathlon in Nottingham, and completed a 5k swim challenge by myself last year. 

For dancing, I went to occasional professional dance classes in London, and the highlight of the year was when I went to a class by THE GALEN HOOKS. My very first dance cover was her choreography of Shut Up and Dance, so going to her class was a momentous moment for me. Anyways, I am not here to talk about the things I do, because if you're a loyal reader, you've probably heard of me saying this plenty of times. But what I really truly did for the past three years was,

I learnt what it's like to love myself. 

I learnt what it's like to truly take good care of myself, to prioritise myself over anything, to really make sure my happiness is first, after everyone else. Because when you're alone at a foreign country, no one is really there to help you. Yes you have friends, but eventually you will have to be the one to pick up your own pieces.

And in time, I have learnt to truly be content with who I am. Like wow, I really am capable of doing this?! Wow, I finally did a triathlon, something I wanted to do since I was 13!! I went to the races all by myself, without no one to support me by my side, and yet I did it! I really am an independent person! And you know what, maybe you think this is a post to brag about myself, but I deserve this. I deserve to acknowledge my own efforts, and I encourage you guys to do the same! It really hits different when you do things for you.

I found this, and it summarises this post perfectly.

So really, when he came back into my life, albeit for a short while just to update about his life (he was nice about the whole situation don't worry, we are okay now), I really am happy for him. Genuinely. Did I love him? Maybe I did, but I do know that loving someone also means to be happy for them, even if the happiness is not with you and that you have to let them go. One day, maybe I'll find someone I can grow together with too. But for now, I will focus in growing my own self, improving myself, rising from the ashes, like I always do.

So really, we should accept the love we truly deserve, which is the love that comes from ourselves.