I remember when on the first day of my scholarship assessment, when everyone had to hand in their parents' salary slips, and when it came to my turn, I had to tell them, "sorry, I don't have any documents to show. My mom's been unemployed for months." 

At that moment, those words echoed into my head, and it fuelled me to carry on with this assessment. So I told myself, "this is it, Ain. The ticket to your dreams." The first day started with a group assessment, and believe me when I tell you that it was super tiring. Fatigue kicked in by the end of the assessment. By night time, they would list out names of those who will be able to proceed to the next round and those who didn't, kind of like America's Next Top Model. Alhamdulillah, I was amongst those who made the cut.

The individual interview was held the day after. And about two to three weeks later, I got the email saying that I got the scholarship and I was to be placed in Kolej Tuanku Jaafar to do my A-levels. Nobody really warns you about the emotional stress you get when you do A-Levels for 18 months. They just tell you, oh go do it for 18 months and you get to fast track your way through uni. Honestly, I have no idea why it was a good idea for me to take on this journey. But Allah has written this journey for me, so I was to pursue it. 

The next stop was to go to university. I've always been a city girl. I love the hustle and bustle of the city life. I always imagine myself taking the tube, travelling across London, watching all the musicals, and had this big dream of performing at West End. But, my rezeki lies elsewhere. 

You know that saying, "You prayed for the cake, but God gave you flour, eggs, oil, icing, a pan and an oven. You get frustrated and leave the kitchen"?

If only I could tell you how ungrateful I was when I first entered Warwick University. I was so focused on getting to London, that I did not do a single research on this university. A month before, I had to deal with the departure of someone who was dear to me, and I thought, perhaps going to London will be a fresh start. Then at that point, I was deprived of that too. I was so angry. Angry at the world, and embarrassingly enough,  I was angry at God.

First year was a bit of a wreck for me. I couldn't let go of the fact that I was in Warwick. I went to London every single week, because I just couldn't stand the quietness that is the university. I didn't even bother making friends. Safe to say, I just didn't like this uni lol.

You know that stage in the Kubler-Ross curve after the depression bit where you're just so tired of being in a slump, you want to actually try to recover? I guess that's the year 2018 for me. Sherbourne gets real quiet during breaks, and the isolation becomes eerie, so much that you are alone in your thoughts. Unlike this pandemic, I didn't bother reaching out. I didn't know who to reach out to, to begin with. So I sought for help. 

Hence, these past two years were spent trying to "bake that cake". With some help here and there, the cake is slowly formed. I met the best and the most genuine people in the university. I made friends with people from diverse backgrounds. I learnt so many new things. There were so many opportunities being offered here and I tried to seize them as many as I can. There were tears of joy and more often than not, tears of pain. And now, look at where I am now, 2 more days and I'll be done with my undergraduate life.

God rewards His servants in the best way possible. I will miss this university so so much. It really has been the best three years of my life. I am so grateful to be able to educate myself and surround myself with people who want change. It is so disheartening to witness the stories happening around me. I can choose to ignore them and have the privilege to choose. But I think of my friends, who have no choice but to live in fear. The Black community has been nothing but supportive of my journey in university. They were there when I was down in the dumps in first year, they were there to support my dancing, they were there for me, every step of the way. It is so so frustrating to see them being discriminated. They don't deserve this at all, and I promise you, once this last exam is over, I will continue to do my best to take part in helping the community, wherever I can. It's the least I can do. It's the least we can all do.