"You're very hungry for more", said a manager as he discusses my performance evaluation 3 years ago. By this year, I would have made the 4th year mark in the central bank. Yet, I am still a beginner. It's a little sad that I had to stumble and fall many times to finally reach this level. But that's okay.

However, I feel like I've lost that hunger. I no longer feel like I want to push myself. I wish I was that same person that was willing to stay up at night reading about the macroeconomy, which was ultimately, the work that I do now anyway. I believe I have worked tirelessly last year, and I just want to breathe.

But there is this lingering fear of wanting to truly breathe. That is, what if it is a privilege to do so? What if it's selfish to do so? There are so many aspects of my life that I need to work on, but I have yet to work on. I am left with the device that sinks me into the black hole. And instead of feeling hungry, I am drowning. The worst part is, I am doing it on purpose. 

My relationships are starting to fall apart once again, and part of me feels that I am losing in some parts of my life too. 

I tend to conclude my writings with something uplifting, but today isn't one of the days. There's something I got to do, I know it, but I will lament on this for a while.