This is a pretty sensitive topic for me.

I don't really like talking about it, because I always affiliate my beauty with my body size, which is that I am overweight, meaning I am not beautiful.

But I guess this time I am talking about beauty, the one I was already born with, my face.

So I haven't really gotten any severe skin problems before, except dry skin, which can be fixed with the right moisturiser. And one day, I was down in the dumps so I told my parent that I am ugly.

Which is basically what I used to believe because I was told by my close friend that I only had an "average face". Which to her is probably something common, but it was really offensive to me, because a) she's my close friend, why would she say that to me? and b) because it's almost equivalent to saying that I am ugly and unattractive. I don't even know why that one statement allowed me to believe that I was not beautiful when plenty of my friends say otherwise on social media. I always thought that most of them are just being nice, because deep inside I knew, I wasn't. And that I was this girl who is not beautiful and unattractive, and I had to compensate it with intelligence, which I now struggle to own. Looking at other beautiful people on social media doesn't help because in the end I am always gonna be in this body and this "average-looking" face.

Until last week, my skin had allergies. My face had bumps and it was red everywhere. It was pretty alarming because there could be many causes of this allergy. I had to go to the doctor and get some antihistamines, but my skin pretty much stayed the same.

This is when I realised, its God telling me to stop insulting His creation. He created me perfectly. I could breathe well, He gave me the opportunity to get my eyesight back, He gave me good facial features. But the fact that I still hated myself for all these reasons made me realise this skin problem is God teaching me a lesson, to always be grateful. 

I can't bear to look myself in the mirror. I hate going out. I hate it when people ask me to take pictures. I just need time to heal. And while I have this allergy, I will have to constantly tell myself to be grateful and that I am indeed, beautiful.

Gosh, that was so hard to type. Now I understand when people say, everyone can believe in you but if you don't believe in yourself, nothing will work.

It's okay, one step at a time.