Rant #1

I want to tell myself that it’s going to be okay and that I can pull through in the end,

But it’s just, hard.

Because I suck at being an adult, I am really on my own, I relied on people to make my decision but I am reckless on my own. Someone once said that I am always making bad decisions. I cried when I told my mom about this. But my mom said she was just being cruel, which is reflected when she kicked my friend out of her house. But I’m starting to think she’s right.

And now I’m aimless, but I try to keep my hopes up, even when things seem to be sinking, and there is no more place to anchor. My mind is exhausted.

But that is real life, you make good decisions, then bad decisions, then misses the opportunity of a lifetime.

Its okay, its just not meant to be. Allah knows the best for you. He always has.

Rant #2

As you know, I have social anxiety when it comes to talking to the male species. The more I realise this, the more I pay attention to my daddy issues. Which is particularly annoying, because I should repress it, like I always do for the past 20 years. I don’t talk to anyone about it. Because it’s not a big deal. I tell myself others have it worse, so I am okay. I am definitely okay.

But I’ve been going to the swimming sessions more frequently now. To a point where I am now, known. Today I came late for the swimming session, and one of the fastest guy in the team saw me and smiled. And I became a 5 year old all over again. This is what happens when you don’t have guy friends, and when you’re still traumatised, with the people you’ve lost, and the friends you have but dissipated because they don’t want to put their relationship with their significant other under scrutiny by interacting with you one to one. Well, the cute guys in the Triathlon team acknowledge my existence. Then I started talking to one of them. This is amazing, I am actually talking to people.

I said this to my friend, the fact that I had a proper conversation with a guy, since, ages. And my friend was like ... okay...

I guess I can say that, I’m not like you. I don’t put myself out there.