I have read this about three times since I discovered this post but I still tear up each time. I am so sorry that my mom had to witness this. I could've asked Dato' Mufti for anything, wealth, health, intelligence, beauty, but instead, I asked him for a dad, which I don't have, up to now. Dato' has passed away in 2016, I believe, and I miss him dearly. My relationship with him is the reason why I am the way I am. Back in my religious high school, I was deemed as someone who is not religious, but I believe that our relationship with God should be kept private, but at least at that point I still had Dato', though I barely get to see him because I was in boarding school.

Some people are lucky, some people find the one, and I guess I can understand why people talk about love so much. I always try to deviate myself from this issue and focus on what I have, which is love from family and friends.

What do I know? My first boyfriend is a fucking pervert and it scarred me so much that I had trust issues with guys my age. When I decided to break down the wall, something happened and it was built instantly back up again. My experience with men has been nothing but unlucky. At least Malay men. 

I'm in university now and I absolutely love hanging out and talking with (some) of the men here. There are some from my dance classes, who are always going all out when dancing. There are some who I just enjoy replying to their IG stories and encouraging them to do what they love. I love being friends with men, albeit I don't have that much.

There are also some men in university whom I absolutely dislike, these are those very entitled white men who think they can disrespect literally anyone; women, Muslims, the LGBT community and minorities just because they think they own the country. That's why I hate it when Malay people make an excuse about getting Malay privileges when in reality, what brought Malaysia to where it is now is the teamwork within all races. Millions of scholarships are given to Malays who have broken English, and you'd think they'd come back to serve the country. But they end up staying abroad, leaving their family and pursuing a lifestyle which defies Islamic values. Many other people could use the scholarship and put it to better use.  But I can never say this out loud. Or maybe I already did. Maybe it is a good thing that Malays are sent abroad, so that they know how it feels like to be a minority. We are so used to getting privileges that when we go abroad, it is harder to adapt. We'll never know.

I was about to say, thank you men, for this. For making me pessimistic about the world. But I know at least from my part, there is something I can do about this, which is to empower women more. Or at least, support my girl friends to be who they are, treat them as equal, not a competition. Maybe from there, we are unstoppable, and we can finally break the stigma that, "every woman needs a man in their life."

Anyway, that's it from me. This is my experience with the more "dominant" gender, but I know that not all of them are bad. I don't want to look for a good one anyways. I am happy to know that it is okay because my friends in their mid 20s are still single, still chasing for a good education and career. I also don't talk about Selena Gomez that much, but I will end this post with a lyric from her song, which I absolutely keep in my heart,

"She knows she'll find love, only if she wants it."