My brain has instantly gone autopilot the minute I announced to myself that I will stay up to finish reading the final chapter for my test on Monday.

I know I am a morning person, so why do I constantly do this to myself? I blame my target-oriented self, because I was aiming high to finish reading all chapters by today. I have only one teeny tiny chapter left, but as I was reading it. Nothing went in my head. So I might as well start writing.

Yesterday, I had my Wellbeing lecture as per and the topic was about Sports and Wellbeing. The guest lecturer mentioned a threshold on how active we should be, and of course, talked about how being active can improve wellbeing. Fun fact: They still don't really know why, but it does improve one's mood.

It kinda hit me on how much I haven't been active recently. My injuries are getting better, but I can't really say that for my sprained ankle. I honestly don't know why it's still acting up. I've been dancing a lot, which is cool and all, but I realised I haven't done a lot of swimming. This realisation suddenly prompted me to going swimming today.

And this is quite convenient because today, they have a dedicated female-only swimming session for about two hours. I told myself to do "sekadar mampu je la" because I was fasting anyways, so I didn't really want to push myself. Especially since I haven't swam in six months.

Of course, my chest was hurting, but the minute I kicked the wall to start off my lap, I smiled in the water, grinning ear to ear (dang, do people write like this still?) knowing that deep in my heart, I genuinely loved swimming. I made so many excuses to stop swimming, being daunted by the triathlon team was one of them. I managed to do at least 1.2km worth of swimming, which is literally not much considering I did 3-5km almost every alternate days earlier this year. But it's a good start. I guess that's why I have gone autopilot today. I just needed to rest.

Also, it made me realise how useless of an exec I am for the club after having an exec meeting yesterday. I am an exec but I don't go for any of the training.

I also realised that they now have a female changing room, which they didn't have when I came. This reminded me of when I complained about the absence of a female changing room, especially for a hijabi like me, on IG story. How was I gonna dry my hair? My friend aka the former swim coordinator of the club saw my story and wrote an email to the Sports Hub demanding a female changing room.

She's now on her year abroad, so I messaged her saying thank you for writing the email to the hub, and now we have a female changing room, and I realised it a bit too late since I haven't been to the hub in ages (literally). She wrote this, in which I'm posting for safekeeping purposes.

"Q please trust yourself and me and go for sessions with *****. From what I remember last year he was fantastic and helped a lot not only me in my very good form (he helped me a lot with my technique) but also the people that were much less experience in swimming than you. He was very motivated to explain to people how to swim more efficiently and gave lots of positive feedback! It’s a fantastic opportunity you have now having swimming pool and a coach for free, so close to you! You can do this and you’ll be very proud of yourself"

Sidenote: it's not free, I paid more than £100 to be in the triathlon club and use the swimming pool, all the more reasons to go for the sessions sksksksk.

I was literally giving excuses as to why I wasn't attending sessions. Key takeaway here is that, I miss swimming so very much, and I can't wait to attend more sessions.

Another thing I wanted to say was that I really sacrificed swimming for dance. I genuinely thought that I was going to pass the audition and perform with the hip hop club. But I didn't make it, which kinda bums me out because that means I wasn't performing for the CMD performance which I do almost every year. But it was probably a good thing as well, because if not, I wouldn't be able to revise, and achieve my study time targets. I may not have fully finished my readings, but I am almost done, and I can safely say that I understand at least 85% of what is taught, and that is a lot coming from me. Because for the past two years, I was NOT prepared for my tests, especially those in term one. There are some gaps I need to fill, but it is still doable. Hopefully, if time permits, I get to perform next term. This was me at Pizazz last term

I also need to tell myself this

You are doing well, you are on track, you are aware of the things you need to do, what you need to prioritise and let go. So don't let the negative thoughts invade you. They've done it again and again, but not this time.