When I was a first year, I was walking to my lecture with my friend, and I was asking him why I can't get along with certain people. I genuinely tried hard to connect with people, but, I just can't seem to vibe with them. He said, "You know Q, you and I, we are anomalies. We can't really fit in with those people and that is okay."

I never really tried to put a label on myself, but if people wanted to, it is that I am a floater. Yes, the kind of annoying floaty thing you see occasionally, which makes you think your eyes have a problem.  

Believe me when I say, that I've always struggled to be in a group. I get envious when people have the same circle of friends whom they can trust all their secrets with. It's easy for them to go on trips together, it's easy for them to go house hunting because they will be housemates too, they remember each other's birthdays, they know immediately who to call when they're sad and they do everything together.

And if you know me since I was really young, you will know me as the person who tried really hard to fit in. I remembered at one point, I was really clinging on to this person whom I thought was cool because she had so many friends and everyone looked up to her, but really, looking back, she must have hated how I acted around her. And how I tried to get her to be friends with me. If this person ever reads this, I really am sorry. There were also times when I was invited to be in a group, and I was happy, but for a while, I realise I wasn't myself when I'm with them?

After a while, I slowly backed away from trying to be cool, and tried to be content with myself. In my boarding school, if I'm not having lunch with my classmates, I would be eating by myself. And this attitude continued till I got to my A-Levels college. But in a way, I really was punishing myself because I thought, omg I came off too strong in primary. 

This means that I don't deserve to have friends! It's okay, I do have friends, maybe, idk, I tend to overshare anyways, so everyone who knows my story are my friends? But omg, what if they blackmail me with the problems I shared with them? Oh no, okay let me get away before I get way too close.

This is not to say that I do not have friends, yes, I do have friends, but, do I trust them enough for me to really share what is in my head? Everything in my head is overwhelming, I am a worrier, and an overthinker and I don't want to burden them with anything. 

This loneliness gets carried all the way to university. Until one point, everything that was in my head becomes deafening. I had all this noise, but I couldn't get it out, I had no one around me to talk about it to. So, I explode. Again and again.

When I got back home in first year, my high school friends were kind enough to invite me to their open house (to non-Malaysians: an open house is a celebration for certain occasions, and in my case it was the Eid celebration, it is like a party but with good food). I reconnected with some of my old friends, and I started opening up to people.

And slowly, it becomes liberating. I found friends who stayed, even as I let out these things I have in my head, I found friends who became acquaintances, but as time goes by, I found friends that I can hold on to.

Being a floater is hard, especially because you are always going around in different groups, so you lack the quality of friendship. You may go the extra length to help them out, but you are constantly forgotten because you are not in their main circle of friends.

And this year, I have started to value my friends a bit more. I started to slowly gain my trust towards people, and gosh, it feels wholesome! I'm surprised as to how much it has improved my wellbeing. Talking to people can be so liberating! 

Anyways, all these lead me to this. I usually try my best to make sure everyone is included in a conversation. Being a floater and an anomaly, it really is hard when you are in an existing group of friends who have inside jokes, and that you are awkwardly smiling because you have no clue what is going on. And honestly, it hurts. It hurts when they laugh at an inside joke. It hurts when you're just there all by yourself in a new event, and you tell your anxious self that it's going to be all right, only to find that, you are not entertained. It really does hurt. From then on, I really do value inclusivity in a community. It is wrong to exclude people, because you never know how that one person would feel because of the way you exclude them in conversations. 

This year, I've also started swimming regularly with my triathlon club. It would honestly be weird if I'm an exec and am not training with them, it's also not ethical, at least to me. I managed to get my colleague to join the triathlon club as well, and found that she loves karaoke as much as I do. So I suggested that the whole swim group should get together and go for the Wednesday Quackstar Karaoke. I was surprised that they'd take the suggestion because it's not a typical circling or clubbing activity, but for once, I felt, included! 

Then we went for the karaoke event. I sang Blow Me (One Last Kiss) as a way to blow off some steam, because I was having a bad day. Then my friend sang as well, for about 6 minutes. After about 10 karaoke performances by other people, the whole tri club got together and sang Don't Stop Believin'. Now I know that this song is a bop because last year when I sang it with my friend, everyone was having fun. But I truly did not expect that everyone else was singing and dancing to this song with us. Since a couple of people were going around the stage, I decided to pass the microphone to them and allowed them to take the floor. And it was the most diverse thing I've seen. Everyone was just off their seats and got in a circle and danced and sang to this song with us!

As my tri friends and I walked home, my colleague turned swim friend told me, "the triathlon club is the friendliest club I've been in!", and it felt so nice to hear that because it felt like in a way, I did contribute something to the club. I did make people feel like they're included. And it is so rewarding to see that.

After that, I couldn't sleep as I kept rewatching the performance over and over and noticed how happy everyone was. I realised that, actually, everyone is an anomaly. Everyone feels the need to belong. When I decided to pass the mic and chose a song which everyone can sing and dance to, I realised that, inclusivity is very much possible. There shouldn't be an excuse to exclude people out. I've always been pessimistic about people. But perhaps because my mental health has been better lately, that's why I am able to see things positively. There are people out there who are supportive, even when they don't know you. Even if, maybe they're drunk, they won't remember who you are if they happen to walk past you on campus in future. 

But all I know is that, I don't have to keep my guards up anymore. Because now, I know, I've got people I can count on.