I'm turning 22 soon, I genuinely thought I'm still 20. These past few weeks have really opened my eyes to why I act in a certain way, why I am a people-pleaser, attention-seeker and have mega expectations on myself. It'll take a book to talk about this, and knowing how narcissistic I am, I probably will.

I guess lets just start with a revelation that I've repressed for about 5 years.

I am fortunate enough to have experienced an epic high school love story. I received flowers for my graduation from a person whom I genuinely liked and he was respectful enough to know that I was unable to commit because of the pressure of my exams.

On the last day of school, I found out that he's all packed and ready to go home. I had a love letter for him, my very last love letter. I wanted him to read it, so I immediately got out of bed and ran to the classroom to place the letter where he sat.

As I got out of the class, he was running towards me too. And he confessed. I was really happy, but knowing me, I got all shy. Also, I was sweating like a pig because of the running. And I said, thank you.

Then, I texted him saying I liked him too. And I thought that would be the start of something wonderful.

But honestly, it just went downhill from there. I noticed that confessing a crush to someone was easy, but dealing with each other's problems and getting to know them better, and trying to love them entirely, is hard. I had to battle my own inner demons too, and have some difficulties mentally. So we stopped contacting each other. When I did contact him, I noticed we no longer speak like we used to, he doesn't say things about himself. I am always initiating the conversation. That's when I realised, the connection is no longer there. We are no longer the people we were before. He had moved on way before I did, when I wasted so much time trying to be a better person, because I genuinely felt that by becoming a better person mentally, I am able to cope with him, all of him.

I confessed for the second time, and found out days later that he had a new girlfriend. I became this crazy ex-girlfriend, but I wasn't even his girlfriend. I spent years wondering, we were never in a relationship, so why did it hurt so much? I asked myself, what went wrong? Was it because I wore too much makeup? I was too 'out there'? That I have a strong personality? I was traumatised for years, I didn't bother trying to find anyone for years, and it was evident in my own life that relationships come and go, so why bother?

The good thing was that in these years I stopped looking for 'the one', I spent trying to accept myself more. I accepted the fact that I am indeed extra as hell. I love expressing myself, and making myself extraordinary. I love doing makeup, when I need to. I make sure I wear at least one bright colour in my outfit. I make sure I was doing things because I want to. Not to impress anyone.

But at the same time, there is that opportunity on social media. There's Instagram. He still follows me on Instagram. So I documented my whole journey of self-discovery for him. I blocked him from my Instagram Story for a long time, but I kept posting everything, for him. Then when I unblocked him, I posted on my Stories more often. Whereas from his side, he doesn't post anything. Clearly, he has moved on and I haven't. There was always that part of me which believed that he will come back and we will be together forever.

It's so liberating to say this! I've been waiting to say this for such a long time! 5 years!! Heartbreaks are the worst!!! 

Once I admitted this, I felt better about disabling Instagram for a while. Just now, I spent about an hour archiving all my 500 Instagram posts and it never felt better. I kept archiving, without hesitant. I made my blog private, knowing that he is aware of the existence of this blog.

I really believe that this is the process of adulting, the process of letting go. 

I really am lucky. I have the best people ever around me, and it has helped me so much in my self-love journey. I've never been kinder to myself than this moment. Thank you Allah, for everything.