An-Nur
5:39 PM
An-Nur: The Light
Gone are those days with complete 8 hours of sleep, now replaced by a 20 minute power nap before my alarm clock rings at 3.00 a.m, prompting me to wake up for my sahur unless I want to feel hungry by 10am.
I love and will always love Ramadan, I always looked forward to it. I started my pre-school years at an Islamic pre-school hence have started fasting since I was 5 or 6 years old. My earliest memory of Ramadan was when I ate a candy and my teacher saw and claimed that I sneakily broke my fast, when in reality, I just completely forgot that I was fasting lmao. A few weeks ago, I almost ate a french fry minutes before Maghrib commenced had it not been for my housemate alerting me on this.
I think this year in particular, has been the best Ramadan I've had so far. I feel like I genuinely have more time to focus on myself and my relationship with Allah SWT. I only keep a very small circle of people close to me, and it has been nothing but peaceful on my side of things.
And this is surprising, because it is actually exam season, and I have not prepared for it as much as I should, and yet I still feel calm.
Yesterday, I did my exam after my iftar. The exam was hard, or at least it was pretty tedious and requires a lot of time, which I didn't. Halfway through the exam, my house had a blackout. The first thing I did was to turn on my iPhone flashlight, so that I can carry on with my exam, albeit in the dark. I tried to tell myself, "don't panic, stay calm", and surprisingly I was. It wasn't until one point I noticed that I'm minutes away to the deadline and I didn't have any source of light apart from my iPhone flashlight. I needed to turn the flashlight off in order for me to take photos of my working to be sent to the Word document. Thankfully, the engineer of the house, Fatina, managed to restore the electric and I was able to continue taking pictures of my working. However, I submitted my exam late and didn't perform well for it.
I think my past self would definitely have a huge mental breakdown if this had occurred to her, I actually did want to cry, but it was 1.30 a.m., and my housemates were sleeping, so I told myself, perhaps if I want to cry out loud, I'll do so tomorrow. I did tear up a bit, but I know that was the best that I can do, and that the situation was none of my control.
Today, I took the day off from studying. I finally did my grocery shopping after a month. All this while, I've been relying on takeaways and my landlord's generosity in giving the house free food. A few hours ago, I did my tarawih prayers. Since I am so tired of reciting the three Quls repetitively for the past three weeks, I decided to read from the Quran whilst doing my tarawih prayers. My heart prompted me to read Surah An-Nur, and this verse struck me the most.
"Allah is the Light of the heavens and the earth. The parable of His light is as if there were a niche and within it a lamp: the lamp enclosed in glass: the glass as it were a brilliant star: lit from a blessed tree, an olive, neither of the east nor of the west, whose oil is well-nigh luminous, though fire scarce touched it: Light upon Light! Allah doth guide whom He will to His light: Allah doth set forth parables for men: and God doth know all things." (An-Nur 24:35)
This is honestly quite ironic because I was literally in complete darkness the day before. As I thought about this verse, I think about how Allah gives guidance, His light, to those who have faith in Him. I remembered how yesterday, amidst the darkness, I stayed calm, and all I could think of was His guidance, I slowly prayed to Him, "please, please guide me in this situation. I only have You now." And I teared up whilst I did my tarawih prayers upon this realisation, because indeed, He was and is still here for me. I may not be the best believer, but because of Him, I feel that I will be alright. His presence is the only reason why I don't feel as sad as I should, because I shouldn't be. He has given me nothing but so many blessings this year. I am undeserving of His blessings and His light, but yet He kept on giving me the best of what this dunya can offer.
I hope that when Ramadan ends, I still have and will continue to mend my relationship with Him, and that even when I fall every now and then, He is with me, always.
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