I spent years trying to build compassion towards myself, to be kinder towards myself, to stop saying sorry for everything I do, and more importantly to be forgiving of myself. I am one who strives to live in a happy-go-lucky state of mind. 

And then, this week, I did the impossible. It is funny how one thing can lead you to shattering all those self-compassion you've spent years building. I admit, I am fragile. But I do eventually try to get it together.

But these days, I just don't feel like doing so. I spent days punishing myself for not doing things as I was supposed to. We have days, don't we? Where we just don't feel like we deserve any kindness in our lives, we feel the need to sabotage the one thing that could potentially make us feel alive. You want so badly to do something awful, and that you feel like you're a coward for not doing so, punishing yourself more and slowly the world tells you, 

no my love, you are instead a hero, a courageous person for being afraid. 

I am also an empath, and I have been told that I am a people-pleaser, that I give in to people way too easily. I feel deeply, I feel like I am at fault, even when I am not, which can be a toxic trait. And because I failed to meet people's expectations, or failed to help others, I punish myself more.

Today is eid, I woke up and lied on the bed for hours, before deciding if I should spend the day getting out of my room. I didn't have anything fancy to wear, so all the more reason I should instead spend the day in my room. I didn't cook anything, hence I don't deserve to go outside to enjoy the food. I didn't manage to do the things I planned to, so I don't deserve, anything.

or

I can spend hours thinking on ways to hate myself, or, I can decide to give a little kindness to myself today and wear the beautiful dress that my housemate lent to me, take out the pretty hijab I only wear on special occasions, and take out the heels that I initially packed into the box to be sent for shipping. 

I decided to choose the latter.

I slowly did my mandi sunat raya, did the raya prayers all by myself, which was quite odd because I usually go to mosques for my eid prayers and I even forgot its procedures at one point. I spent a few hours ironing my clothes, dusted off my James Charles makeup palette and did my makeup.

I didn't do it for me.

I did it for them. I don't want to be a buzzkill, I don't want to be the reason people feel bad. Because I know how it feels like to feel bad about someone's actions (and inactions). And I know if I don't get up, I will regret it for the rest of my life.

I went down and asked them to help me with my hijab, and I saw the whole house decorated with lights, food all prepared, and I felt so so guilty for not being a part in any of this, because I spent days cooped up in my room.

The day turned out to be one of the best things that happened this month. May hasn't always been the best month for me, but this year has been so tumultuous and I am sure it is the same for everyone else, and that I shouldn't complain about my problems. My problems are nothing compared to what others have to go through. So I know, I definitely know, I need to be grateful. I had so much fun today singing in front of people, eating good food, dressing up, talking to people, after staring at the computer screen for ages. I am beyond blessed. They also planned to do a game night after our evening prayers, but I told them that I may have to excuse myself from this as I need to do work.

After we sang All Too Well and a bit of Defying Gravity, everyone went off to do their evening prayers, and promised each other that they'll come back down to the living room. My housemate then asked me, "Ain, could you come back down after this, please?"

And that's all I needed to hear. 

So I gave in and spent the night with my housemates. And it was all I needed to get through this. It was all I needed because I realise that, there are people who care.

For years, I cared about people, and some leave and never came back. Sometimes, I wonder, is it me? I build walls because I am scared if I start saying something, they'll end up leaving me because I am too much.

I guess this post is not really about exposing myself, but it is just a reminder to myself that all I needed is to be a bit kinder to myself. And to you, because sometimes people like us, those with sadness looming in their lives, just need a little push, just showing that you care is already a big thing for us, and for that I am so grateful.

I promise this is the last post for today, I am so sorry for spamming so much, I haven't been this happy for a while, so I needed this.

Thank you so much housemates and everyone who made my day today. You really don't know how much it means to me.