Hi everyone! Do you guys miss my essays? Hahaha. 

As I type this, I am currently editing my last two videos for my university. To be honest, I've been putting it off for so long, as I was quite busy with other things. A lot of things have happened since the last time I wrote essays like this. 

Maybe we can start with what happened last week? I had engagement sessions with the bank I will be working with. I find it ironic how the sessions are held during Results Day. Imagine my anxiety. I cannot forget that day. I had to attend the session, finding out that results came out earlier than expected, but not the overall grade, having to do a last minute congratulatory video to the Class of 2020, experiencing a mini flood. 

And alhamdulillah, I made it. I got the results that I needed to secure my job in BNM. I know the whispers and the facial reactions by others claiming that what I have gotten is not good enough. But only the bearer knows the hard work needed to obtain this grade, so I don't owe anyone any explanation. So I was beyond happy when I received the results, because for once, I didn't care about what people think, I did it for me!

It wasn't until the next day, as I was attending a webinar discussing on self-acceptance when I received an email from the Director of Undergraduate Studies stating that I got the award. 

I wanted to write about my journey, but I guess my mom has perfectly described it. It took a whole community to raise me and I am so grateful for that.

Now here is my story.

You heard this story from me many times before, I believe. But I arrived the UK feeling so disheartened and feeling like a dumb person. Not only did I not get the grades, I also got my heart broken lol. A clown, really. There were days when I would just sit at the furthest part of the hall and tear up because I don't understand anything they were teaching, especially Micro. And I had friends who were so passionate, so keen to get a good score, I wondered, "how does it feel like to feel something?". I joined Mnight, dance, ASEAN conference, just to feel something. But I still couldn't. I remembered failing my tests and just looked at them like, 'ok and?' I studied everything one week before the exam. The fact that I passed first year actually astound me. I must have been such a party pooper in first year, so if you had the (un)fortune of meeting me in first year, I would like to apologise because first year is truly not the reflection of who I truly am. 

Fast forward to this day, I'd like to think that the lonely feeling is what brought me to doing so many things. I needed to distract myself. I completely understand when I see people occupying themselves with so many things after a heartbreak, because that is what I did. Unfortunately, there was still that hollow in my heart.

Until I joined EQHO and Triathlon. In one of my past post, I have mentioned how much impact joining these societies had on me. Thus, I also understand when people ask, "why did you choose this job?" and they said, "I joined it for the people." because it is so important to be with people who empower you. Because eventually I started doing things for myself, and not so much to cure myself from a heartbreak.

For years, I've been told to cut down on my extra-curricular activities so that I can perform better academically. Or to stop pursuing my passion for a better life. "You didn't get Tokoh Pelajar because you weren't a student council rep." "Don't join the English Motivational Committee, they won't recognise what EMC is on the CV." "Don't join drama club, focus on your studies." "Please, please stop dancing." "Ah, all that dancing and you're still fat."

Allah is the most Understanding. With this award, nobody can say anything against me anymore.

And I also know that I am not defined by an award, or a title. Only I can define who I am. I realised that you lose nothing when you start pursuing your passion, even if it means contradicting the norms. 

So yes, I am proud of myself. And to the class of 2020, I hope that you are proud with your results too. If no one else have said this to you, let me be the one to tell you that I am so proud of you. I wish you all the best in your future endeavours