Maybe in life, I can’t indeed have it all. Beauty, health, a thriving career, an amazing spouse, a full family tree. A laundry list of all the worldly things. 

I tend to also question, “what is it that God wants me to learn?” Oftentimes i ask myself, “do I really have to go through this again and again?”

But as I think again I realised, 

I did nothing wrong.

I went in with a pure intention, I meant well. I got to know him slowly, and graciously.

He let me down, and whether its slowly or there exists a whiplash, I think it was easier to feel okay. 

There was anger, followed by a tinge of depression, and slowly, after seeing him looking ever so forlorn after a mere eye contact, I have begun to accept that this is just the rough course that is life.

While I grieve the loss of the idea of him, he too, was grieving a loss, but of a friend.

A misalignment that came from a gray area. 

Now I don’t discount a feedback loop from this, as I go through multiple rounds in my stages of grief, I have come to understand that perhaps finding the right one entails risking yourself to be vulnerable. 

So be vulnerable, dear self. Don’t let anything get you down. Why would you? Literally all God has ever done is fulfill your prayers and dreams. All you have to do is trust Him.