I was willing to sign up for a boarding school and leave my all-girls school bubble just so I could get the chance for an early harvest scholarship so that I could get an earlier start in studying abroad. I made it an aim to be one of the youngest Kumon completer in my centre just because. I wanted to start work early just so that I could say that I started work at a young age.

I did secure that scholarship, I did become of the youngest Kumon completer, and perhaps I did start work early on.

But what I did not realise was the cost of it. I became that gifted burnt out kid at an early age. I realised that maybe I wasn’t that smart after all. There were indeed others smarter than me and back then, I wasn’t okay with that. And I realised I never got around to slowing down. 

Someone made me realise that I scold myself too much. But isn’t that what you do when you know you’re capable? When you know that you can do better than this? 

But perhaps, when I sit down and realise, oh, I have been doing a lot this year. I started swimming intensely this year, I couldn’t cope with the fatigue afterwards, but I pushed through, or at least try to. Oftentimes I go for runs in the evening because I was meant to do a half marathon this year, or dance kpop with my friends solely because I want to. An impressionist artist once said along these lines, “I want to do everything, and my head is bursting with it.”

And isn’t that what you would want to do too? To be great? 

But I realised that oftentimes, in an effort to be great, I stretched myself too thin, and I end up being a master of none. And eventually postpone these plans to a later date. Perhaps disappointing others in the process.

And that now and then I’d have to tell myself, everything has its own time. Your time to be a good runner will come. Your time to be an Ironman will come. Your time to do your studies will come. In time, you will be able to be the great person you’re meant to be. But for now, let’s take it one step at a time, shall we? 

A wise friend once told me,

Sometimes we can't plan it all,

Oftentimes, we just need to let it brew.

This was reaffirmed by my therapist,

who told me that I can try and plan as much as I want,

But if it doesn't work, it doesn't work.

Sometimes things have to flow naturally

But that doesn't mean I avoid it completely,

I can still try,

Like the mirrorball that I am,

But have no expectations,

And remind myself constantly

that these are fleeting memories,

and this might just be another ship passing through the night,

you will cross a sampan, a speedboat,

you have yet to find the ship

that leads you to your final destination.

But it's ok to keep swimming. 

to stop when you see a ship,

and realise that maybe,

you are only meant to pass them,

as you swim away,

perhaps feeling a little forlorn,

your tears becoming part of the sea,

soon enough,

you'll find the one that takes you,

to the final destination.

So let it brew,

Get to know the ship,

Gather the lessons the minutes the ship passes by

and swim to the next one

because you know as you swim

as the tide washes over you,

Allah will be there to shield you,

and lead you to the destination,

unfortunately 

i don’t feel as much joy

hanging out with the group

as much as i used to

maybe forcing myself

to turning you from the king

caricatured in my mind

to “just a friend”

is a lot harder than it looks

it feels like a broken circuit

and i am no electrician

so i keep staying in the dark

while you

try to search for your own light

mum was right

i indeed was headed right

while you were turning left the whole time

i painted a picture of us

while you 

are still looking for yourself

after your own circuit has been broken

we are headed in very different directions

and that’s why our little circuit

has been broken too

i don’t intend to fix it

because i need to focus on my own circuit

and as you depart

you find your light

in a completely different turning

hearts will be broken

and so i’ll fix my heart instead

and continue to seek the One

Him

the Only One 

that can feel my void

there was a time when i hated going to the office so much i would rather curl up in my room for months

but i’ve grown fond of the office that i go there even on days i don’t have to

it’s not often i get to write my day in the life, but today was a day i felt worth recording

i would start my day off at the same corner in kupang, sat at the table of eight, when i’m the only one having breakfast

just on my ten o clock would typically be the couple whose retired husband is in my swim squad, i met him in bnm langkawi resort. he would often have breakfast with his still-working wife, a morning ritual, like how i would sit here with my tiny 5-year old journal, which, speaking of, would reach its retirement soon. sometimes we say hi, today we didn’t. update: saw his wife at the surau today and she asked “you’re in the pj palms swim squad aren’t you? my husband told me about you!”

today i wondered if i too will end up having a wholesome breakfast donning my swim squad tshirt as a retiree with my still-working spouse, but for now, just stressing out about board paper on my own would do.

but i really was not on my own. i bumped into a friend on the way down and asked to have breakfast together. we did and we laughed the loudest in kupang when he mistook me for the artist who invited me on stage, because i truly was the bigger diva on stage. we spoke about the troubles in our lives right after but for some reason it felt good to have a friend that the problems seemed to have diminished, and that today, i felt, okay, i can in fact, take on the world.

but the whole reason why i went to work really was because i booked the dance studio with my friends. did we really dance? debatable. but did we devour our hearts out on the pizza and fries after? absolutely. there’s something beautiful about friendships that stem out of a common love for something. and what evolves from there. i saw it this day, and i think to myself, wow what beautiful friends i have. what a blessing to have people i can stumble upon and freely yap my heart out, and they’d just listen, and i get to do the same? people trust me enough for that? i guess i really did evolve from the girl who’d constantly eat alone in high school thinking she’d be a loner for the rest of her life. nothing wrong with eating alone still, because i still do that all the time. but i realise that wow, i indeed have the option to talk to friends, and wow these people do make me feel better! how lucky am i?

yay my prefrontal cortex has indeed developed.

you may wonder,

why am i working so hard for again?

no idea, really

i too, ask myself this

but as i start raising my hands to God 

in the wee hours of the morning

to beg for me to see

something, even if i see nothing now,

i see that 

one step to opening that google drive

one step to that calculator

one step to figuring out the answer 

one step to my manager’s partition

one step to ticking that checklist

is a step to something, 

and that is so much better than nothing.

it turns out, 

i was indeed overreacting.

i couldn’t look you in the eye,

how can i?

when i was angered by the thought of you

running to someone so undeserving

but then again

would you even choose me?

the concrete jungle awaits

but you would rather speak

about the time you hitchhiked

with the girl i can’t ever beat

you won’t remember

the days i go on battlefields

but you would do anything

to keep her safe

you would smile

if i say hi to you in shuttle buses

but would you run

if i call for help?

falling for you

makes me insecure

am i deserving of this feeling?

i want to be okay

what happened to the secure me?

am i losing myself again?

are the questions i ask myself

and the reasons why

i shall stop liking you

But you don’t owe me an apology.

I misspoke,

You are probably left confused.

Because truth is,

You didn’t do anything wrong.

The only wrong thing you did,

So I guess,

That’s the end of our story

The one I crafted so meticulously in my head

I shall stop painting the portrait of us

We’ll be right where we started

As friends who stuck by one another through thick and thin

I shall let you go

And continue to find a soulmate

That doesn’t feel so soul crushing

Time is running short anyways,

You’ll be off to your new future

God is truly on my side

When I said, 

If he is not the one,

Then show me

And He shows me,

Rather immediately.

So goodbye for now,

I’ll taper off

From putting you on a pedestal

Off you go

To the concrete jungle

Where your dreams are made of

While I continue to chase my dreams

In my homeland 

Right where I need to be