Did you know how much courage it took?

For me to be the initiator once again.

After five years.

I no longer throw my phone to the wall.

But I do leave it at the far end of the room.

Shower, probably watch an episode.

Only to find that it is a yes.

But Allah has other plans

The itch you scratched

Became the hindrance

To the itch you can’t scratch

And so this inadvertently

Left the ball in your court

It was a lot easier when the ball is in my court

Because I have a tendency to make things happen

You are a catch,

But you don’t seem like a shooter.

I fight with myself

When I see your name 

At the top of the list

With a pink heart on the side

“Enough! That is truly the bare minimum!”

The good thing is,

I’m already, constantly, working on myself.

I have had enough of these crumbs

To know I deserve a whole meal

And if they can’t give me that,

I will feed myself. 

Being secure is great,

And so I will continue to work on this.

This is a test from Allah alright,

Because of Him, I know

I’ll definitely be alright.

I gave you a tshirt, an advice recommended by a former crush turned best friend. 

“Every gift is precious”, he says.

When I told him about your Monday statement he says “this is a tangible measurement!”, the fuel I needed to pursue you.

I still facepalm over the tshirt debacle, but the good side of it is I get a deadline extension to see you again. 

And again when you visited to pick up your items.

You still have some items left unpacked, by the way.

And again when our plan failed.

But you gave me a bag and told me to keep it.

I know its to compensate for the fact that our supposed date failed to launch,

But when I tell you,

I treasure it a lot.

Tote bags I have aplenty, but knowing this specific one is a gift from you, I can’t help but lug it everywhere with me.

I guess you’re the lucky one, because every gift from you, even if it’s unintentional, 

Nado. 

I too, look forward to come to the office. In fact, I go to office every day to increase my chances to see you. 

And you too, have completed my year. I become a better person because I’m inspired by the person that you are. I tell myself that you are a ship passing through the night, but I guess

this week is the week I will swim to that ship. You are worth it. And we are both great people, I’d like to give us a try.

And this is for me. So I will take the first step. Whatever happens next, I leave to the One we both believe in. We both know that Allah is with us, and that’s what makes this whole endeavour so special. 

Wait for me, I will go to you.

it’s foreign to me

when you speak my language 

because no guy has ever done that for me

you spell out the words for me

when i am unable to

you understand i am going through something

perhaps this is another delusion

or denial

whatever you call it

but you too don’t blatantly spell out

what i’m about to say

and so i repeat this in my head

because my brain is foggy

you should be the last thing i think about

but i chose to frontload you

despite the turbulence

thank you for waiting for me

at the finish line

i’ll have to tell myself

maybe you’re only here for a while

before somebody else takes you away

and that perhaps you weren’t meant to be mine to begin with

but oh dear god i hope so

but calm down dear self

because i know me

i am not capable of loving someone else yet

when i wake up everyday

saying harsh things to myself

but a little tough love won’t hurt

it could be a fuel

for me to do better

and that’s what i shall do

so thank you

for the promise

i don’t know if you’d break it

but it gave me hope

that i can give my all 

sort this one thing out

and i can run to you

when the time is oh so right

i'm a chronic planner
i thought i've learnt to accept that life doesn't always go as I plan

but alas, the only time I want my plan to work so badly, 

was the day the blizzard beat me to it

if this was a movie,

I'd run to the pilot,

and tell him,

"get me back home now! who cares about de-icing? he is leaving!"

and when i reach,

I would rush to my island at the office,

you would come to pack,

i would give you what i artificially owe you,

and replace it with something,

with what I truly owe you this whole time

do i care

if you don't feel the same?

the ethereal guitar riff reflects my yearning for you

surfacing the inevitable question

"am I too late once again?"

i just want to let this feeling out and wide

but life is often cruel

here i am with a manchild

offering a backhand compliment

on the way I speak

while I think about

the time you suddenly placed yourself in front of me

while I stress about the incoming US president

plastering a huge smile

withering my worries away

or the way I ask about your dilemma

and you ask me to scoot a little closer

so i used the inertia 

to get my roller chair closer to yours

and now you're gone

that's just how life works

a lovergirl

who is always late

the biggest extrovert

yet the most cowardly

when it comes to saying how she feels

please God,

find me a fellow loverboy,

at Your timing,

I accept defeat, always

but I'm so tired,

of missing the boat.

life doesn’t have to be sad all the time

you can find joy in the little things in life

when your friends initially wanted to head to the food court

only to decide in the eleventh hour to drive out

when you wake up in the wee hours of the morning

to talk to God

when you roam around the bright lights

searching for something

when the person you want to get to know drives the atv in glee

when you don’t know if he’s taking a picture of you or someone else

but it doesn’t matter because

you leave the rest to God

and everything else

will fall into place

these fleeting moments

are also rizq

that you should not take for granted

By a stroke of luck, I was invited to speak at my old Kumon centre today. 

As I look into the eyes of the hopeful kids, I tell them, “I know coming here can be a drag sometimes, but don’t think your parents sent you here to torture you, they sent you here because they love you.” 

The parents then said to those kids, “make sure you become like her okay, work hard!”

And here I am with a matcha waffle I bought as part of my solo date ritual. The cafe is playing jazz music, and all I can hear is the whirring of coffee beans, the sound of the barista mixing the matcha powder with hot water, and some chatters from customers alike. The waiter comes up to me and nerd out about how the red bean in the waffle is made in Japan, and I tell him I am a second-time customer because the waffle is unforgettable, he wishes me a warm return.

Now that I am left to my own devices, I ask myself, “why would anyone want to be like me?”. Unfortunately, I am no longer the fiery kid who ever so badly wanted to complete Kumon, just in time before I depart to my boarding school. I am just - let’s not go there.

But thanks to that fiery kid, add maths was a breeze. I will forever remember the time when they had a senior-junior tutorial sesh on add maths, and I was supposed to have a senior, but I was told he bailed on me because I wasn’t attractive enough. But who cares, because I didn’t need anyone to help me anyways. In fact, I was able to teach my peers, and that’s the most fulfilling thing I’ve ever done.

“What happened?”, is a question asked by many. I wish I know too. But at this juncture, I realised, it’s okay to finally be the person who does not know things. It’s okay to not be the best anymore. I have always climbed to the top too fast, that I have reached a point where I want to take a rest, even if it’s just for a while. Perhaps others do not need to rest, they can continue to soar. But they are them, and I am me.

After all, this matcha waffle is proof of that fiery kid’s hard work. I miss her a lot. So I will find a way to get her back, even if it means taking a step back.