is what he said to me.

If there’s one thing about me, I HATE grammatical errors. I have a very strong urge to correct them, courtesy of my mum’s guidance. But over time, I’ve grown to have some empathy, especially towards those who might not have the same upbringing as me. Hence, they never had the same level of education, and work a lot harder than I have to, to get to where they are now.

And so I’ve grown to respect them. And one managed to tug my heart unknowingly. I didn’t mind his bad grammar at all, and fell for whom I thought was the one. Believe me, it was not just me. But perhaps, I was just a good storyteller.

As it turns out, he strung me along, together with other girls. Thinking he did absolutely no wrong. A few days more and it’ll be exactly 6 months since we last spoke. 

His exact last words were, “see you very soon”, and indeed, I saw him very soon, at the food court, at the surau, in the shuttle bus, in lifts. Even as I purposely and strategically time myself to be in places where we wouldn’t be, every now and then, God intertwined a brief stumbling upon. Over the many times I pass him by, not once did I make proper eye contact with him. He did not deserve it. 

Sometimes I forget, what did he do so wrong? But sometimes I remember the pain in the whim. So to avoid remembering and checking his profile, I did what any self-respecting woman would - unfollow and remove him as follower.

I now breathe easy, because I can now post freely without having to worry about the male gaze.

I will retire from having crushes now, until I get my life sorted out. My life is a mess, and I don’t need an emotionally unavailable, nonchalant and immature man to complement it.

Maybe in life, I can’t indeed have it all. Beauty, health, a thriving career, an amazing spouse, a full family tree. A laundry list of all the worldly things. 

I tend to also question, “what is it that God wants me to learn?” Oftentimes i ask myself, “do I really have to go through this again and again?”

But as I think again I realised, 

I did nothing wrong.

I went in with a pure intention, I meant well. I got to know him slowly, and graciously.

He let me down, and whether its slowly or there exists a whiplash, I think it was easier to feel okay. 

There was anger, followed by a tinge of depression, and slowly, after seeing him looking ever so forlorn after a mere eye contact, I have begun to accept that this is just the rough course that is life.

While I grieve the loss of the idea of him, he too, was grieving a loss, but of a friend.

A misalignment that came from a gray area. 

Now I don’t discount a feedback loop from this, as I go through multiple rounds in my stages of grief, I have come to understand that perhaps finding the right one entails risking yourself to be vulnerable. 

So be vulnerable, dear self. Don’t let anything get you down. Why would you? Literally all God has ever done is fulfill your prayers and dreams. All you have to do is trust Him.