I play Hwasa's performance of Good Goodbye with Park Jeong Min on loop. I think I get why. It was that remarkable act of Hwasa dancing ever so freely in front of her crush, to create this astonishing one-time chemistry I doubt anyone could ever recreate in an award show. 

I couldn't sleep tonight, my sleeping schedule has been messed up ever since I prepared for my Master's, but I wanted to write this down before I procrastinate.

But the reason why I keep seeing the performance again and again because this year, I was the Hwasa in my own story. I went out there, lowered my ego and eventually told someone I had feelings for them. It was a little unfortunate my own secrets were unlocked by my own mother, but if it weren't for her, I will be on clouds forever. It took me a couple of months to realise that it was never right to begin with, him and I. I, was losing myself as I was chasing for someone who, unfortunately was mid. Prior to 8 May, I placed him on top of the clouds as I strived so hard to reach it. When I finally got there, it felt like the Wizard of Oz, I was speaking to a machine. I poured my heart and soul to this person, only to find that his responses were AI-generated. 

And I think that's what made me so shattered, it was because I crafted such a beautiful caricatures of all my crushes, and I am heartbroken because that portrait I drew is completely different from the actual person. I wrote these men in my mind, while they are just, men. 

But I didn't write this post to scold myself. I wrote this to thank myself, and as much as I hate to admit it, thank my mum too. It was embarrassing to say the least, but with that fog cleared up, I am proud to say I went for who I want. No one can tell me that I didn't try if they ask why am I still single. 

They can blame my wealth, my weight, my upbringing. I can't change where I come from. I am working on my weight. And heck, I am determined to pursue higher education. I have this fire in me now that the hijab has been lifted, and now, I can only see a bright future. It took me longer than others, but I don't care. If this is what it takes to be good, if this is what it takes for God to say, "okay, she's ready for the next step", then I will RUN to it. 

With that, I will retire from having feelings. I have cemented my heart, and THIS lesson in particular makes me realise, that this is a two-way street. The right one will come at the right time, and I know why this isn't right, now is my time to embellish my bright future. Maybe the finishing line is meant to be blurry, so that I learn to continue running in spite of what's to come. The only way I stop is to die trying.

Note: items owned by this character is intentionally made fiction, though if you are in my circle, you’ll know exactly what this is about.

I’d like to think I am a fairly different person than I was two years ago. I was bubbly, happy, free of doubts. If I had to brand myself, it’ll be the happy-go-lucky girl. I try my best to see the good in people. Oftentimes people say you need to keep your guards up, but what’s the point of life if not to surround yourself with a supportive community? And perhaps this was my portion of Allah’s rizq, to have an amazing one. Until someone managed to infiltrate the system.

I’m pretty sure we’ve all come across one or two, whom we just don’t click. Sometimes I wonder, why does God put me, a highly sensitive person, together with a grandiose narcissist? I still remember when I would lend a listening ear to this person (I can already hear some of you readers say, “that’s on you Q!”) But remember, I was once a person who gives people the benefit of doubt. But that kindness, whatever they thought I had, made me a victim. I was indeed, being taken advantage of. 

And unfortunately for me, I was surrounded by people who continuously allow this person to take advantage of us. Until one by one, these people leave, leaving me alone. These past few months, I grew a big resentment towards those who leave me with the mess that they created. What did I do so wrong that they kept me here? And that question popped up again,

“Why am I, the most sensitive person I know, placed with a narcissist who cares about no one but themselves?”

I then heard from the horse’s mouth, a partial closure. And that again and again, it was never my responsibility to deal with this person to begin with.

This episode then reminded me of something a friend said,

Count your blessings, Q. You may not have a Porsche and a yacht, but my God, you have so much more that money can’t buy. What they’re looking for, you found it.

I then realised, regardless of their presence, my support system has never left my side. When they got back, I was so afraid of even entering the block. And when I had no choice but to do so, my friends were by my side to affirm me that I’ll be okay and breathe easy. After all, why should this person own a 60-storey real estate in my mind, when this person doesn’t care about anyone but themselves? I know for a fact, that with my friends, I can slowly start to demolish that 60-storey building and focus on what matters most - my own goals.

And I guess that’s what God has been trying to tell me all along, maybe I can handle this, because I have a solid support system with me. And the light at the end of the tunnel will come sooner than I think, I just need to trust Him.

The final message my therapist had during our last meetup went,

“Right now, he still takes up space in your head, living in it rent-free. He doesn’t deserve that.”

Actually, I’d like to think the house he resides in my head has turned into a tiny little box. As we pass by, my heart doesn’t beat as intensely as it was months ago. He is now just a random person whom I occasionally pass by at the office, and soon I won’t even realise he exists. I trust not in me, but time.

One person has been in the backburner of my head over the past 6 months. Nearer to her return, I started the habit of stalking her, to gauge whether she will actually practice what she preaches. But alas, as I saw her at the corner of my Teams call, she now has an illegal 40-storey building in my head. All that peace I’ve had over the past 6 months had to be unlearned, and as I grey rock my way through this situation, I was deemed immature, and that I need to display executive maturity, at a pinnacle time where my performance is currently being measured by the big boys. 

They are definitely right, that was the bitter pill I have to swallow. Unfortunately I will have to learn to destroy that illegal building. All I know is that, I’m not alone. I have people by my side, and I will face my fear.

Breathe in,

Breathe out,

You’ll be okay. 

is what he said to me.

If there’s one thing about me, I HATE grammatical errors. I have a very strong urge to correct them, courtesy of my mum’s guidance. But over time, I’ve grown to have some empathy, especially towards those who might not have the same upbringing as me. Hence, they never had the same level of education, and work a lot harder than I have to, to get to where they are now.

And so I’ve grown to respect them. And one managed to tug my heart unknowingly. I didn’t mind his bad grammar at all, and fell for whom I thought was the one. Believe me, it was not just me. But perhaps, I was just a good storyteller.

As it turns out, he strung me along, together with other girls. Thinking he did absolutely no wrong. A few days more and it’ll be exactly 6 months since we last spoke. 

His exact last words were, “see you very soon”, and indeed, I saw him very soon, at the food court, at the surau, in the shuttle bus, in lifts. Even as I purposely and strategically time myself to be in places where we wouldn’t be, every now and then, God intertwined a brief stumbling upon. Over the many times I pass him by, not once did I make proper eye contact with him. He did not deserve it. 

Sometimes I forget, what did he do so wrong? But sometimes I remember the pain in the whim. So to avoid remembering and checking his profile, I did what any self-respecting woman would - unfollow and remove him as follower.

I now breathe easy, because I can now post freely without having to worry about the male gaze.

I will retire from having crushes now, until I get my life sorted out. My life is a mess, and I don’t need an emotionally unavailable, nonchalant and immature man to complement it.