Nado. 

I too, look forward to come to the office. In fact, I go to office every day to increase my chances to see you. 

And you too, have completed my year. I become a better person because I’m inspired by the person that you are. I tell myself that you are a ship passing through the night, but I guess

this week is the week I will swim to that ship. You are worth it. And we are both great people, I’d like to give us a try.

And this is for me. So I will take the first step. Whatever happens next, I leave to the One we both believe in. We both know that Allah is with us, and that’s what makes this whole endeavour so special. 

Wait for me, I will go to you.

it’s foreign to me

when you speak my language 

because no guy has ever done that for me

you spell out the words for me

when i am unable to

you understand i am going through something

perhaps this is another delusion

or denial

whatever you call it

but you too don’t blatantly spell out

what i’m about to say

and so i repeat this in my head

because my brain is foggy

you should be the last thing i think about

but i chose to frontload you

despite the turbulence

thank you for waiting for me

at the finish line

i’ll have to tell myself

maybe you’re only here for a while

before somebody else takes you away

and that perhaps you weren’t meant to be mine to begin with

but oh dear god i hope so

but calm down dear self

because i know me

i am not capable of loving someone else yet

when i wake up everyday

saying harsh things to myself

but a little tough love won’t hurt

it could be a fuel

for me to do better

and that’s what i shall do

so thank you

for the promise

i don’t know if you’d break it

but it gave me hope

that i can give my all 

sort this one thing out

and i can run to you

when the time is oh so right

i'm a chronic planner
i thought i've learnt to accept that life doesn't always go as I plan

but alas, the only time I want my plan to work so badly, 

was the day the blizzard beat me to it

if this was a movie,

I'd run to the pilot,

and tell him,

"get me back home now! who cares about de-icing? he is leaving!"

and when i reach,

I would rush to my island at the office,

you would come to pack,

i would give you what i artificially owe you,

and replace it with something,

with what I truly owe you this whole time

do i care

if you don't feel the same?

the ethereal guitar riff reflects my yearning for you

surfacing the inevitable question

"am I too late once again?"

i just want to let this feeling out and wide

but life is often cruel

here i am with a manchild

offering a backhand compliment

on the way I speak

while I think about

the time you suddenly placed yourself in front of me

while I stress about the incoming US president

plastering a huge smile

withering my worries away

or the way I ask about your dilemma

and you ask me to scoot a little closer

so i used the inertia 

to get my roller chair closer to yours

and now you're gone

that's just how life works

a lovergirl

who is always late

the biggest extrovert

yet the most cowardly

when it comes to saying how she feels

please God,

find me a fellow loverboy,

at Your timing,

I accept defeat, always

but I'm so tired,

of missing the boat.

life doesn’t have to be sad all the time

you can find joy in the little things in life

when your friends initially wanted to head to the food court

only to decide in the eleventh hour to drive out

when you wake up in the wee hours of the morning

to talk to God

when you roam around the bright lights

searching for something

when the person you want to get to know drives the atv in glee

when you don’t know if he’s taking a picture of you or someone else

but it doesn’t matter because

you leave the rest to God

and everything else

will fall into place

these fleeting moments

are also rizq

that you should not take for granted

By a stroke of luck, I was invited to speak at my old Kumon centre today. 

As I look into the eyes of the hopeful kids, I tell them, “I know coming here can be a drag sometimes, but don’t think your parents sent you here to torture you, they sent you here because they love you.” 

The parents then said to those kids, “make sure you become like her okay, work hard!”

And here I am with a matcha waffle I bought as part of my solo date ritual. The cafe is playing jazz music, and all I can hear is the whirring of coffee beans, the sound of the barista mixing the matcha powder with hot water, and some chatters from customers alike. The waiter comes up to me and nerd out about how the red bean in the waffle is made in Japan, and I tell him I am a second-time customer because the waffle is unforgettable, he wishes me a warm return.

Now that I am left to my own devices, I ask myself, “why would anyone want to be like me?”. Unfortunately, I am no longer the fiery kid who ever so badly wanted to complete Kumon, just in time before I depart to my boarding school. I am just - let’s not go there.

But thanks to that fiery kid, add maths was a breeze. I will forever remember the time when they had a senior-junior tutorial sesh on add maths, and I was supposed to have a senior, but I was told he bailed on me because I wasn’t attractive enough. But who cares, because I didn’t need anyone to help me anyways. In fact, I was able to teach my peers, and that’s the most fulfilling thing I’ve ever done.

“What happened?”, is a question asked by many. I wish I know too. But at this juncture, I realised, it’s okay to finally be the person who does not know things. It’s okay to not be the best anymore. I have always climbed to the top too fast, that I have reached a point where I want to take a rest, even if it’s just for a while. Perhaps others do not need to rest, they can continue to soar. But they are them, and I am me.

After all, this matcha waffle is proof of that fiery kid’s hard work. I miss her a lot. So I will find a way to get her back, even if it means taking a step back.

maybe God knew it was going to be a bad day

so He made me see you at the parking lot

as I swerve and call your name

and you nerd out about your run last night

me with my egg wrap

gleefully smiling on the inside

because even though we only have a few more days 

to see each other

i am finally getting to know the real you

did you think i did not squeal

when you tell me the truth

of your presence on Mondays

it’ll linger in my headspace

for a long, long time

But the truth is,

my efforts at work weren’t fruitful

i am indeed slow

the bitter pill is hard to swallow

but at least i have that tough love

to do better next year

But I will miss your stares

i wonder what you’re thinking

when i turn around and see you stare at me

You’re not afraid that you’re caught

I’m not sure if this is a blip or a forever thing

but one thing’s for sure 

you came at an awfully great timing

when we’re off to our new future,

together or not,

at least i am reminded of this phase.

You'd think that this is the year you continue to be the best version of yourself

Pay the most expensive accountability course

In hopes you finally pass your exam

Pay for your monthly squad fees to improve your swim

Attempt to go to work in the morning to study

Now that you've reached the tail end,

you realise,

you never wanted to take the exam in the first place

you've found your placing in the work that you do

and perhaps you know yourself better than anyone

that you were never a multi, nor a tripletasker

you've got your eyes on the prize

yet your loved one sees another

But still,

You go to work early

In hopes that he will come to work too

You give your all at work,

Just for him to give you a thumbs up,

Or a 'good luck'

Even if you miss your daily ritual of saying good morning to him,

you make sure that he is not forgotten,

by flashing your award-winning smile,

when you both glance at one another,

You wonder too,

why would he stand still, 

frozen like ice,

as you walk to your cubicle;

why he comes to work on a Monday,

when the world works from home,

when queried he'll say with a smile,

he wants to be productive.

when you're busy typing away,

and you stand up to take a quick break,

you hear a chair creak

from him who immediately turned away.

of course you want him,

he's all you've asked for,

at least partly,

when you cried to God a few months ago,

begging Him for the one

for a stranger to bond with you about Him,

just as you touched down from talking to Him,

who wouldn't think it was a sign?

maybe it is,

maybe it isn't,

maybe he is just another kind person,

but this is my feelings.

I will own it

Good men don't come often,

He makes me want to be better 

I will of course continue to work on myself,

with or without him,

but he would be a great addition to my life,

so yes,

I will take this chance with him. 

Because who cares what happens next?

if he is another ship passing through the night,

i am still blessed,

because Allah is so so kind,

to have me chance upon someone who inspires me

to get closer to Him.

and if he's gone, 

at least He is there with me.