Him and I,
We agreed to sign up for the race together.
That was what I said seven months ago, and in the first attempt, we didn’t manage to.
We finally signed up for a race, and I asked, “will you be my accountability buddy?”, he said “Sure.”
He only managed to check in on me once, before all hell broke loose.
The last night we spoke to each other, he asked me, “what made you think I like you? Was it because I invited you to join the race with me?”
I almost wanted to believe him, that he didn’t do anything and that I was the one imagining things, until my friends reaffirmed me that he led me on too. If I revisit this story, it’ll never reach a satisfactory ending, because I’ll end up blaming myself. I do take accountability in one thing - I hid my intentions from the get go. There was a mismatch from the start. And for that, I am accountable.
But the rest of the story? He played a role.
He wanted to stay friends, I said I’ll need space. He asked, “until when?”, like a timekeeper. At the spur of moment, I lied and said, “not for long.”
But how could you go back to being friends, when someone treated your tender heart coldly? When he belittles your sensitivity, despite your loud soul? When he never even gave you the chance? When he used a traumatic incident as a leverage, even when you know, he didn’t mean to?
You just realised you put him on a huge pedestal, once again, and that day was the day, you see him as a normal human being, who lacked the maturity you so deserve.
Not even once did he mention her name, and I thought I was the one with the throne. And when the truth is out, I did what any other self-respecting woman would, to walk away,
and never looked back since.
I sent him a final message saying all the things I’ve wanted to say before disappearing off the face of the earth (once again).
I’d like to think there is an intimacy between us regardless, the intimacy of never talking again.
In my head he asks himself, “Will she be okay? Why hasn’t she come back if she said she won’t take such a long time?” “I regretted saying those things to her. I should have been more careful.” “I wish we were friends again, I miss her, even when things didn’t work out the way she wanted to.”
And while I disappeared, I took time for myself. I was angry, at mostly my mum. Between you and me, I don’t think I can forgive her for what she did. I never intended to marry him. I only ever fancied him, and that’s what every 27-year old kid does when she’s single and there is an attractive guy in the department whose only job is to exist. And that’s the biggest and hardest lesson I’ve learnt as an adult. To never tell your parents about who you fancy. And I think that’s what made this event all the more worse, I lost him, and that’s possibly fine, but this incident revealed the sad truth - that my mum would never trust me to make my own decisions. To her, I am forever her vulnerable kid, who needs intervention in her life, every step of the way.
But within that sadness, I found solace in long distance running. Fine, I won’t run alongside him, but I will, run for myself. I ran to get out of the overthinking spiral. My therapist once told me, when I kept revisiting whose at fault, and whether we’ll be friends again, “will thinking about it get you the answer?” and so I keep running, to silence my mind. If anything, I realised too that I was taking my friends for granted. I only ever started realising the beauty of running because of him, but my friends have been egging me on to run for ages! And yet I abandon them and only ever started wanting to run for a guy who truly is just a man.
Fast forward to Sunday, 3rd August. We finally showed up at the race we both signed up for. As I ran, I was happy because I started at a decent pace. I stumbled upon him and wondered if it was truly him. Regardless, I ignored and minded my own business. After a while, I made my u-turn back to the starting line, only to find him at the opposite side of the road, still metres away to the U-turn. Was I seeing things? Ain’t no way. He is so much faster than me, so I was definitely delusional.
But lo and behold, I really was ahead of him. At first I felt good, because it felt like “ha! I worked hard for this, while you, you didn’t even try.” But after a while, I start worrying, wondering if he’s okay. If anything happened during the race, because knowing him, even if it’s just for a short while, I know he can do better.
But that’s the thing about disappearing and not talking again. You choose to not know, so you fill the void with things he might have said. But the most heartbreaking part is that, perhaps he did not care at all. Perhaps you don’t play that big of a role in his life. He probably just didn’t bother that day. Maybe he’s injured. Maybe he just wanted to chill. We never know.
But one thing’s for sure, his chapter in your life has long ended. He’ll continue to choose the girl, marry her, get a kid or two.
But Aynn, your life isn’t sad either. You still wake up having the privilege to choose which cafes to work at today, whether to go for pilates or running, you can choose friend should you hang out with for breakfast, sometimes you can even do double breakfast. You can run, you can swim, you can hustle.
Maybe you’ll soon realise that, and this is what he has long realised too, that you are way ahead of him in everything. You were never in the same wavelength. You have vibrant friends, whom he might not be happy with. You have interesting hobbies, which he might feel uneasy with. You are so brilliant, and he is still finding his footing. Perhaps I focused too much on talking to myself, that he might have felt small.
And the reason why you felt attracted to him, was that he had something you wish you have a strong hold on - religion.
And my god Aynn, you CAN get a strong hold of religion yourself! This whole incident is God calling you to call upon Him. He loves you so much Aynn, more than you know. Because if He doesn’t, He would have let you go on with doing whatever you want, without consequences. Perhaps every guy you’ve ever had feelings for, have never given you a chance, because Allah is preserving you for the one, at the right time.
But for now, oh my God, isn’t what you have now enough? You once begged for a career you love, and here you are. You once begged for your health to come back, and He cleared your lungs so you can swim and run to your heart’s content. You once begged for good company, so you now share your thoughts without worry, because you know that these are people Allah choose to cross paths with you, and they are genuine people. You are so so loved, Aynn.
“You’re full of energy because of you, not because of some random guy.”
This really was the first and last race we both signed up for together. In this movie, he will now play the role of the stranger I wouldn’t even make eye contact with if I stumble upon him around the office. While I continue to think of my next milestone, and dear God it’s gonna be absolutely amazing!
