life doesn’t have to be sad all the time

you can find joy in the little things in life

when your friends initially wanted to head to the food court

only to decide in the eleventh hour to drive out

when you wake up in the wee hours of the morning

to talk to God

when you roam around the bright lights

searching for something

when the person you want to get to know drives the atv in glee

when you don’t know if he’s taking a picture of you or someone else

but it doesn’t matter because

you leave the rest to God

and everything else

will fall into place

these fleeting moments

are also rizq

that you should not take for granted

By a stroke of luck, I was invited to speak at my old Kumon centre today. 

As I look into the eyes of the hopeful kids, I tell them, “I know coming here can be a drag sometimes, but don’t think your parents sent you here to torture you, they sent you here because they love you.” 

The parents then said to those kids, “make sure you become like her okay, work hard!”

And here I am with a matcha waffle I bought as part of my solo date ritual. The cafe is playing jazz music, and all I can hear is the whirring of coffee beans, the sound of the barista mixing the matcha powder with hot water, and some chatters from customers alike. The waiter comes up to me and nerd out about how the red bean in the waffle is made in Japan, and I tell him I am a second-time customer because the waffle is unforgettable, he wishes me a warm return.

Now that I am left to my own devices, I ask myself, “why would anyone want to be like me?”. Unfortunately, I am no longer the fiery kid who ever so badly wanted to complete Kumon, just in time before I depart to my boarding school. I am just - let’s not go there.

But thanks to that fiery kid, add maths was a breeze. I will forever remember the time when they had a senior-junior tutorial sesh on add maths, and I was supposed to have a senior, but I was told he bailed on me because I wasn’t attractive enough. But who cares, because I didn’t need anyone to help me anyways. In fact, I was able to teach my peers, and that’s the most fulfilling thing I’ve ever done.

“What happened?”, is a question asked by many. I wish I know too. But at this juncture, I realised, it’s okay to finally be the person who does not know things. It’s okay to not be the best anymore. I have always climbed to the top too fast, that I have reached a point where I want to take a rest, even if it’s just for a while. Perhaps others do not need to rest, they can continue to soar. But they are them, and I am me.

After all, this matcha waffle is proof of that fiery kid’s hard work. I miss her a lot. So I will find a way to get her back, even if it means taking a step back.

maybe God knew it was going to be a bad day

so He made me see you at the parking lot

as I swerve and call your name

and you nerd out about your run last night

me with my egg wrap

gleefully smiling on the inside

because even though we only have a few more days 

to see each other

i am finally getting to know the real you

did you think i did not squeal

when you tell me the truth

of your presence on Mondays

it’ll linger in my headspace

for a long, long time

But the truth is,

my efforts at work weren’t fruitful

i am indeed slow

the bitter pill is hard to swallow

but at least i have that tough love

to do better next year

But I will miss your stares

i wonder what you’re thinking

when i turn around and see you stare at me

You’re not afraid that you’re caught

I’m not sure if this is a blip or a forever thing

but one thing’s for sure 

you came at an awfully great timing

when we’re off to our new future,

together or not,

at least i am reminded of this phase.

You'd think that this is the year you continue to be the best version of yourself

Pay the most expensive accountability course

In hopes you finally pass your exam

Pay for your monthly squad fees to improve your swim

Attempt to go to work in the morning to study

Now that you've reached the tail end,

you realise,

you never wanted to take the exam in the first place

you've found your placing in the work that you do

and perhaps you know yourself better than anyone

that you were never a multi, nor a tripletasker

you've got your eyes on the prize

yet your loved one sees another

But still,

You go to work early

In hopes that he will come to work too

You give your all at work,

Just for him to give you a thumbs up,

Or a 'good luck'

Even if you miss your daily ritual of saying good morning to him,

you make sure that he is not forgotten,

by flashing your award-winning smile,

when you both glance at one another,

You wonder too,

why would he stand still, 

frozen like ice,

as you walk to your cubicle;

why he comes to work on a Monday,

when the world works from home,

when queried he'll say with a smile,

he wants to be productive.

when you're busy typing away,

and you stand up to take a quick break,

you hear a chair creak

from him who immediately turned away.

of course you want him,

he's all you've asked for,

at least partly,

when you cried to God a few months ago,

begging Him for the one

for a stranger to bond with you about Him,

just as you touched down from talking to Him,

who wouldn't think it was a sign?

maybe it is,

maybe it isn't,

maybe he is just another kind person,

but this is my feelings.

I will own it

Good men don't come often,

He makes me want to be better 

I will of course continue to work on myself,

with or without him,

but he would be a great addition to my life,

so yes,

I will take this chance with him. 

Because who cares what happens next?

if he is another ship passing through the night,

i am still blessed,

because Allah is so so kind,

to have me chance upon someone who inspires me

to get closer to Him.

and if he's gone, 

at least He is there with me.

i was the one who approached him, so if he doesn’t reciprocate, then it’s not his fault

i was the one who asked for his social media, so if he doesn’t respond, it’s on me for putting him at such a pedestal

i was the one who asked to sing with him, so if he misses saying hi, it doesn’t mean anything

the only obvious reason if he returns your feelings, is when he tells you straight away

of course, you can nudge him, you can tell him how you feel,

and its ok if it is unrequited

after all, this is just a simple fluffy feeling

in the end you have all that you need

him as a complement would be nice

but even without his presence

you’ll be alright

I was willing to sign up for a boarding school and leave my all-girls school bubble just so I could get the chance for an early harvest scholarship so that I could get an earlier start in studying abroad. I made it an aim to be one of the youngest Kumon completer in my centre just because. I wanted to start work early just so that I could say that I started work at a young age.

I did secure that scholarship, I did become of the youngest Kumon completer, and perhaps I did start work early on.

But what I did not realise was the cost of it. I became that gifted burnt out kid at an early age. I realised that maybe I wasn’t that smart after all. There were indeed others smarter than me and back then, I wasn’t okay with that. And I realised I never got around to slowing down. 

Someone made me realise that I scold myself too much. But isn’t that what you do when you know you’re capable? When you know that you can do better than this? 

But perhaps, when I sit down and realise, oh, I have been doing a lot this year. I started swimming intensely this year, I couldn’t cope with the fatigue afterwards, but I pushed through, or at least try to. Oftentimes I go for runs in the evening because I was meant to do a half marathon this year, or dance kpop with my friends solely because I want to. An impressionist artist once said along these lines, “I want to do everything, and my head is bursting with it.”

And isn’t that what you would want to do too? To be great? 

But I realised that oftentimes, in an effort to be great, I stretched myself too thin, and I end up being a master of none. And eventually postpone these plans to a later date. Perhaps disappointing others in the process.

And that now and then I’d have to tell myself, everything has its own time. Your time to be a good runner will come. Your time to be an Ironman will come. Your time to do your studies will come. In time, you will be able to be the great person you’re meant to be. But for now, let’s take it one step at a time, shall we? 

A wise friend once told me,

Sometimes we can't plan it all,

Oftentimes, we just need to let it brew.

This was reaffirmed by my therapist,

who told me that I can try and plan as much as I want,

But if it doesn't work, it doesn't work.

Sometimes things have to flow naturally

But that doesn't mean I avoid it completely,

I can still try,

Like the mirrorball that I am,

But have no expectations,

And remind myself constantly

that these are fleeting memories,

and this might just be another ship passing through the night,

you will cross a sampan, a speedboat,

you have yet to find the ship

that leads you to your final destination.

But it's ok to keep swimming. 

to stop when you see a ship,

and realise that maybe,

you are only meant to pass them,

as you swim away,

perhaps feeling a little forlorn,

your tears becoming part of the sea,

soon enough,

you'll find the one that takes you,

to the final destination.

So let it brew,

Get to know the ship,

Gather the lessons the minutes the ship passes by

and swim to the next one

because you know as you swim

as the tide washes over you,

Allah will be there to shield you,

and lead you to the destination,