"Find the Ain who was confident in everything, find the Ain who never gave up, even when there were turbulences hitting her, find the Ain who was committed. find her and get her back."

Hello friends, thank you for listening to the rants I am pouring onto this blog. Especially to those who have been reading my blog since 2011. Thank you, for being there witnessing my journey. Things have changed now, I'm no longer the person who writes with simplicity. My style of writing is now more intricate, and somewhat slightly more emotional. That is me, fellow friends. That emotional girl who writes with my heart.

I have lost so many things as I grow older. Most importantly, I've lost my confidence. I somehow could no longer believe that I could be the best that I could be. Some people may ask, "Really, Aynn? The Aynn is no longer who she is?" People from when I was younger probably knew who I was, that girl who is confident, who is ever-willing to improve, and is always capable of doing more, ever-willing to discover new potential. The older me? I'm not pin-pointing this to anyone. But I personally feel that my previous cohort made me who I am now.

I am not afraid to say this now, since the people are no longer here, they no longer appear when I roam around my school grounds. I was bullied. Not physically bullied. But verbal bullying. I never knew how physical bullying felt like, and I'm blessed for that, Alhamdulillah. However, verbal bullying takes depression into a whole new level. They make you discover flaws you never knew existed in you.

Fat. Ugly. Ordinary. Every Malay word which represents these two words.

These negative words struck me until now, and these words cut deep into my throat, as my positive words wailed into these reign of thoughts, then proceeded into darkness as it failed to reach into this brain of mine.

I'm always thinking that I'm never good enough.

"Cuba tengok macam dia tu, kan comel. Lawa. Cantik. Kau ni apa? Muka biasa je."

"Q, kau tak rasa terancam ke dia lagi pandai dari kau?"

"Ye ke kau lari laju? Kau kan gemuk."

"Alah Q ni apa je.. dah la muka gelap"

ENOUGH AIN. ENOUGH.

There was one time where I was supposed to go back to my old school, to give a motivational talk. Upon preparing for the talk, my mom wanted me to tell them those negative words that spewed from the negative people in my life. The minute she mentioned those, tears start falling. Why do I waste so much tears thinking about these? They are not worth my tears, at all.

But thank you, to those who brought me down. You are the major contributor who made me become who I am now.

But thanks to you too, I am still breathing, and ever-willing to find the old Ain back. You want me to become the Q you defined me? Hell no. You are not to define me.

Only I will define myself.

Disclaimer: Where are you now, anyway?

The fellow youngsters reading this blog, do not let people, not even your closest friends, bring you down. You do you, and the only person who will believe in you, is

YOU.

Note:
Aynn- nickname pre-2014
Q- nickname post-2014
Ain - what I call myself