New year huh?

I shall begin with describing 2015 first.

This is the year I changed, it is a year of my metamorphosis, perhaps I am changed to a more mature person. I am more fond of life. Life in the dunya is indeed fun and games, but now that I am growing, the world is in your hands.

The decision you make now determines your future. What do you want to be? Where do you see yourself a few years from now. Had a little conversation with a Bank Negara staff who said, it's wonderful how teenagers like you already have a vision in life. For me, the vision I have is a carved one, we are trained to have visions. I am blessed to have a mother who is able to foretell my capabilities and lets me hone them in order to become a better person. Together, we planned our pathway so that my future self would thank me later.

2015 was indeed a rollercoaster. Yes, I had my ups and downs. Being a visionary person, I have already set short-term goals in order to achieve the best out of myself. I participated in events, like I did in Sri Aman. I began to form a closer bond with my Creator, in which I still seem to struggle, paying more attention to the world around me. Making my own decisions. Creating my own statistical probability to succeed.

Have I succeeded? If you ask regarding my short term goal, we shall see in March. Or else, we'll see myself in years to come.

I have changed so much. I have always been an ultimate perfectionist. Now, I can't truly say I have lost the perfectionism in me, but I have grown to accept the fact that I can't always get what I want. Instead, wait. Allah always has the best for me. Always have faith. Redha. This is the best for you, Aynn. I have learnt to accept it if I don't achieve the things I want. Instead, I become a more resilient self and strive again and again. Like a baby who is learning how to walk. It is our mentality that we need to change. If they gave up, would they have been able to walk by now? Allah gave us such great examples in life to never give up. Keep going. Your time will come.

I have also learnt to think in different perspectives. I have always known to be the girl with academic capabilities. Never in a million years, would I have thought to be the Best Co-Curricular Female Graduate. Me? The girl who ran last for her primary school because I would never be chosen as a representative to run. The girl who was placed at the last row in her Zapin dance routine in Standard Two because she's got a two left feet. I sometimes wonder, why did I ever come to the audition? Why did I agree to go for a science competition when I know nothing about making soap? Why did I ever go for a campaign to become the President? I was driven, and I was glad I shaped myself to be that way.

This year was the year I found myself. This year was the year that I created my own identity. I tried so hard being a copy of someone else, I tried so hard to fit in. This year, I didn't mind eating alone without a clique at the canteen and communicating with different people who had lunch around me every day. I never believed in cliques, there's so much more things to think about in life, though I do have people around who have kept me company and appreciates me as their friend like Ara, Asyrine, Balqis, Amani and Noryn (in the surau). I am a person who like being independent.

I also became the person who doesn't try so hard anymore in terms of being super famous and what not. My whole life I tried to be so popular. It all began in primary school, I assume. I was too tired of being in the background and in someone else's shadow. I don't care about what others say. The mean things they throw at me like a catapult. There will always be something that you lack of. But in the end, only how certain people look at you matter. Society will always tell you you're wrong. But you don't have to be victimized by society, you just have to find yourself.

When I look and compare my primary school self to myself now, I feel happy. I am a changed and a better person now, Alhamdulillah.

Insya Allah, may 2016 be the year that I become the best version of myself.