Source: Google

We've all had those dreams when we were younger, or probably dreams that your family has that was brought down to you?

We've all had those dreams. But as we grow older, often we would be reminded of those dreams and the thought of it, through a pessimist's eye, would just leave one to sneer.

I may look like the person who is confident, ever ready to inspire people with my lengthy captions. But sometimes I need to give myself a reality check as well. The people who don't know me have told me I couldn't do it. I am not worthy of something so big. There are other people with better chances of getting it more than me. I am sorry for being vague, but let me just clear it up for you.

I haven't been blogging for a long time, because I have been down in the dumps, for a very long time. I had to face some turbulences along the way, I could give you a list, but I'll only name two major ones. My application to Cambridge and my driving test.

Cambridge. Just that word cause my brain cells to activate and my heart beat faster. There were so many things being said about my application. But I went through. Before I hit send, I asked myself, "am I making the right choice?" "am I even worthy?" "Will I even make it?" I almost cancelled everything with the thought of I won't be qualified for an interview anyway. But my mom reminded me of all the past opportunities that I had in which I let go of. Then I wiped my tears away and hit send.

Little did I know two weeks later, I got an email from Cambridge inviting me for an interview. I was shocked as there was one major deterrent in my application, but the email happened and there I was preparing for the interview.

Overall, it was an interesting experience. I am truly grateful that Allah has given me a chance to be interviewed by one of the best universities in the world. I did the best that I could, I will leave the rest to Allah. He has given me so much and I often forget to count my blessings. With this post, in which I hope I will not delete, I will remind myself that this is indeed one of the biggest blessings that Allah has given me.

Also, I have finally passed my driving test, after doing it four times. I broke down so many times (like the car I drove huhuhu) but finally, I did it. Some may find the test a piece of cake, but driving is my weakness. I really hated it. But automatic cars, after passing the test for the terrifying and terrible manual car, are relatively easier to maneouver so I don't hate driving anymore.

I gave up once. But I had to man up and do it again. Try, try and try again. That's what I will do.

I failed so many times this year, I'll admit. But these challenges will not stop me, it only molded me to be stronger.

Kolej Tuanku Jaafar
The road to success

There's more but I forgot the lyrics.

Anyway, today I am going to update on my life in KTJ.

JANUARY
Induction Week Induction week was really just a week where we introduce ourselves to the people in KTJ. We had to do the orientation thing where we get signatures from the Lower Sixes (August Intake) and the Upper Sixes. We had loads of fun. The best thing during induction week was the flash mob on a Wednesday. It's where we randomly dance for no apparent reason. We danced in between Nadzaruddin and Imran House, which is literally the centre of attraction. (It's usually where they celebrate birthdays during Social Hour). By the way guys, Social Hour is the time in between our first and second night prep where you get to see your boyfriend/girlfriends, grab snacks at Pronto or more importantly, pray jam'ah with the other Muslims and Muslimahs.



 Our temporary library




Then, at our final week, we had to do a performance. My group danced to Uptown Funk. Our group won the first place! And I won most signatures for the orientation thing. Good times.

House Night

We played Laser Tag at Mid Valley Megamall. Check me strutting out! (do people still use that word?)



February
 MSSD Cross Country

My stamina kinda suck lately, but yolo. Participation is more important.

KTJ Cross Country

More proof that my stamina has gone downhill

March
Mufti Day

Mufti Day is a day where you can where your own clothes (not the baju KFC). You'll have to pay RM5, but the proceeds will go to the needy, depending on which club is having the Mufti Day.

I keep telling myself it would be alright,
I keep the tears which had been swelling up in my eye sockets for too long,
yet I can't take it.

It's hard when you're a perfectionist, when your strong hold is to achieve the best.
But when you fail to attain the best, you crumble to pieces.

It's even worse when you see the faces of your educators falter for a moment but kept their heads high and tell you to keep going. But deep in their eyes, you can see that their holding up their tears, just like you.

All these visions you make up in your head once you assume that you will get what you aimed for will remain as visions that you have to let go of.

Truthfully,

aku sedih. Aku sedih sebab aku tak dapat gembirakan hatiku ini. Aku sedih sebab walaupun aku sedang menulis menggunakan bahasa ibundaku sendiri, namun aku tidak dapat mencapai gred yang aku sepatutnya boleh kecapi untuk subjek ini.

Aku sedih sebab masa mereka memanggil pelajar yang mendapat keputusan cemerlang ke atas pentas, aku tak dapat menjawab mesej daripada kawan-kawan aku yang bertanya jika aku akan naik pentas atau tidak. Aku sedih sebab aku dengar guruku berkata, "calon straight A+ ni, pasti boleh."


"Kenapa kau nak nangis? Stop punishing yourself! Kau marah dengan siapa, Allah?" "habis tu? Kenapa kau tak bersyukur?"

Ya Allah.

Betapa tak bersyukurnya aku ni.

Lepas aku dapat keputusan aku yang tak seberapa (bak kata diri perfectionist aku ni), tetapi aku dapat pulang ke kolej dan menggembirakan diri dengan melakukan aktiviti-aktiviti yang disediakan oleh Leo Club aku. Aku dapat berkongsi tawa dengan 'seniors' yang umurnya setahun lebih tua daripadaku namun dari segi pendidikan, kami dalam tingkatan yang sama.

Betapa tak bersyukurnya aku ni.

Aku lihat di sekeliling aku, semua ada. Aku tetap menjadi diriku yang aktif dengan memasuki kelas berenang (Advanced), aku sukarela melantik diriku menjadi ketua untuk Rumah Sukan, aku memasuki kelab Leo, sebuah kelab amal kebajikan, menyertai Debate Union, suatu perkara baru yang baru sekarang aku berani untuk sertai dengan niat untuk mengatasi ketakutan aku untuk menerima kritikan orang lain. Bilik aku di kolej ibarat hotel, sangat kontra dengan asramaku di TGB yang kipasnya tak 'function', aircond ada, table lamp, board, whiteboard semua disediakan. Ibuku tak perlu risau, aku tidak perlu risau. Bank Negara sudah memberi peluang untukku.

Betapa tak bersyukurnya aku ni.

"Maka nikmat Tuhan manakah yang kamu dustakan?"

Excuse my Fixi/manglish-like language, I just felt the dire need to write using my own language for one last time.