my hypothesis is true after all

i am bad at letting go of what’s meant to be free

i am the sun that lived through summer

i’ve seen beautiful things from up here

but i’m not the best at being self-sufficient

so i hold on to the metal railing to reach the sky

accidentally stabbing my finger in the midst of it

because there was an unexpected nail on that rail

but its okay because whatever it takes to make me feel something

the railing rusts easily

i want to keep holding on to it 

but it produces a stench smell

i get worried if i let go

i will fall off a cliff

but its about time i let go

its okay aynn

falling off the cliff means

you’re jumping into the sea

and the water is your friend

that’s where you belong

you don’t have to be the sun all the time

come back to where you belong

it’s getting cold anyways

you can let go of summer now

Sejak bila I ada tunjuk I suka you?

“Oh shit, I forgot he said that to you.” 

A conversation with me and a friend ensued, we debriefed on last year’s incident. He has warned me beforehand not to attempt to date outwardly religious guys. 

“Well, ya boi tried.”

I recently came across a post that said, isn’t it funny how our minds do that? How we’ll build an entire house with someone who never agreed to even walk the front door?

Our minds can do so many things. And if we entertain them enough, you have a fantastic, whimsical imagination that can easily be snapped with a simple “no, I don’t like you that way.”

And so your rational soul works hard to shatter those thoughts before it even began. 

But guess what? Maybe being a lovergirl isn’t such a bad thing. Instead of shaming yourself and say, why would you invest so much energy liking, no, loving someone whom you won’t, and eventually, don’t feel the same way? The ending is always like that anyways right? You love others so much, only for them to see it as a kind act from a friend. On occasions where I get to keep these feelings to myself, I just distance myself from them when I find out bow they feel about me, which is, a friend, and eventually end up truly becoming each other’s close friends. On occasions where I was forced to reveal the truth, I had to let them go, and the friendship is ruined for good. But it was a good thing because perhaps, he was never a good friend to begin with. The caricature of the perfect person was only in my head. 

And nowadays I find myself thinking, what’s so wrong about being a lovergirl? It just means I am capable of loving. I put my heart and soul in everything and everyone I care about. I romanticize my life, from when I wake up, and until I sleep.

[i lost my train of thoughts, to be continued in the next post]

i have so many questions 

why, what, how, when

i am happy yet miserable

what are we doing?

but mostly whys

why are we doing this?

these questions have been bottled up

because i dread the answers

whenever the truth comes to light,

and i finally ask,

the answers are always somber

and i take forever

to rebuild myself again

so i rest with ambiguity

even when i'm dying to know the answer

but i don't think i can take it

for once, 

will i ever get the answer i want?