[Live list] Here is a laundry list of the things I've realised about myself as I turn 28 this year:

• I was selectively smart i.e. acquire the innate ability to absorb things quickly. On topics I have zero interests, they bore me to death but to get great results, I had no choice but to work hard
• I did not work hard in my undergraduate years, because I was ungrateful and I did find macroeconomics theory a chore
• I was forced multiple times by my mum to take up finance, which I absolutely hate. The pressure was there until I forced myself to take up CFA. It took me a very long time to convince her that finance has never been my thing.
• I am enduring my current department because I knew how it was like to be in an absolutely boring, lifeless job. I knew how it was like to also be in a fancy, prestigious job, yet have no interest in the core work. This time around, it takes an arduously long time to get promoted, but I am working with the smartest people I've met. I feel small here, even worse, there are undeserving people who managed to infiltrate this system, but still find joy with the work I do. 
• I realised I do like Economics, and I regret not studying hard in my undergraduate years, 
• Being able to storytell has yet been my forte because I am a big yapper. 
• I don't have enough bargaining power because I am not smart, if we're talking about my department's standards
• The real reason why I stay on in this job is because I know I haven't fully learnt all that I need to from this job, and that perhaps there is more that I can do, I haven't utilised my own capacity yet.
• My strength will forever be swimming.
• If only the world cares less about pacing, running would have been less daunting
• My body, despite of what people, or myself, say about its weight, can do a lot more than it thinks.
• God probably thinks it takes someone like my mum to break my delusion, hence I am no longer a lovergirl.
• the only thing stopping me from getting a hot bod is my food intake (and controlling my addiction to matcha, chocolate and thai tea)

I play Hwasa's performance of Good Goodbye with Park Jeong Min on loop. I think I get why. It was that remarkable act of Hwasa dancing ever so freely in front of her crush, to create this astonishing one-time chemistry I doubt anyone could ever recreate in an award show. 

I couldn't sleep tonight, my sleeping schedule has been messed up ever since I prepared for my Master's, but I wanted to write this down before I procrastinate.

But the reason why I keep seeing the performance again and again because this year, I was the Hwasa in my own story. I went out there, lowered my ego and eventually told someone I had feelings for them. It was a little unfortunate my own secrets were unlocked by my own mother, but if it weren't for her, I will be on clouds forever. It took me a couple of months to realise that it was never right to begin with, him and I. I, was losing myself as I was chasing for someone who, unfortunately was mid. Prior to 8 May, I placed him on top of the clouds as I strived so hard to reach it. When I finally got there, it felt like the Wizard of Oz, I was speaking to a machine. I poured my heart and soul to this person, only to find that his responses were AI-generated. 

And I think that's what made me so shattered, it was because I crafted such a beautiful caricatures of all my crushes, and I am heartbroken because that portrait I drew is completely different from the actual person. I wrote these men in my mind, while they are just, men. 

But I didn't write this post to scold myself. I wrote this to thank myself, and as much as I hate to admit it, thank my mum too. It was embarrassing to say the least, but with that fog cleared up, I am proud to say I went for who I want. No one can tell me that I didn't try if they ask why am I still single. 

They can blame my wealth, my weight, my upbringing. I can't change where I come from. I am working on my weight. And heck, I am determined to pursue higher education. I have this fire in me now that the hijab has been lifted, and now, I can only see a bright future. It took me longer than others, but I don't care. If this is what it takes to be good, if this is what it takes for God to say, "okay, she's ready for the next step", then I will RUN to it. 

With that, I will retire from having feelings. I have cemented my heart, and THIS lesson in particular makes me realise, that this is a two-way street. The right one will come at the right time, and I know why this isn't right, now is my time to embellish my bright future. Maybe the finishing line is meant to be blurry, so that I learn to continue running in spite of what's to come. The only way I stop is to die trying.