Pink Masquerade

The Optimisation Model of Showing Up

"What has your past relationship taught you?"

A few memories flashed in my mind, and I could only facepalm. I only ever regret one person, and I spent years trying to forgive myself since then.

"I learnt that while studying, chasing my dream is important, being there for the people you care about matters more. I have a tendency to want to fix things, so when it got too heavy for me, I let him go. But I realised, I didn't need to fix it, I just needed to listen."

Those words I muttered lingered for a while, and I realised this was the one thing that have haunted me over the past decade. Maybe the reason why I have stayed this way was because I let go of something, or someone I shouldn't.

But again, I didn't know any better. I was young and trying to discover myself. Maybe we were meant to part ways, even when it meant I had to hurt that person. I acted based on the limited knowledge I have. After all, what does an 18-year old know about life anyways?

I find myself back in the situation as a student again. I vow to myself that I will be consistent. I will work hard, I will redeem myself. I have many regrets, one of which is that I didn't study as much as I should during my undergraduate years. And so, even if I had zero sleep the night before, I will still show up to class.

"I am off for my presentation now!", a text I got on the day of my Math test. It was our final one, and I had absolutely nothing written on the cheat sheet we are legally allowed to bring for the test.

Hypothetically, I had to set up a constrained optimisation model, where I needed to maximise my utility to show up for my friends. But the budget constraint lies in the fact that I have a Math quiz.

But I really had to be there for him, the one who has seen me through my ups and downs in the past two months. So I prayed to God silently, please let me catch the presentation.

So I went to the venue at break time, it was another group. Alright, let me write down my cheat sheet while I wait. Their break time ensued. Ok, let me continue writing down.

Then his presentation came, it was 10.22am. Did I care if break time was over 22 minutes ago? Did I bother finishing up my cheat sheet? All I cared about was that my phone managed to capture his final presentation, the result of his hard work after months of being here. I just had to be there for him, as how he had been for me. He was the first to see me cry as the fireworks burst into the sky, so this is the one measly thing I could do.

When his team concluded, I breathed easy. God was indeed on my side this time, because right after I had to rush for my Math quiz. As I ran back to class, I felt all the weight that I carried on my shoulder over the decade gradually disappear in each stride I took.

I finally did it, I showed up.

No optimisation model I solved can make me choose otherwise.

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, by Aynn

of anonymity and starting fresh

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, by Aynn

the only time i’ll scold myself

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, by Aynn

a dream i never want to wake up from

It's unreal to think that it has been a little over a month since I left Malaysia for Japan.

Many of you might have noticed I disappeared for a very long time from Instagram last year. Record breaking for someone whose an avid oversharer on this platform. Truth be told, I had a tough time, and even that was an understatement.

But with sadness, comes anger. And with anger comes vengeance. I realised the life I lived in Malaysia no longer served me. And so I prayed to God to let me be in a place far away, where I become a faceless person and do things I've always wanted to do. A place where I am not haunted by the past.

I left with a lot of vengeance and promised myself I will correct my wrongs, and will go for round 2 of studying abroad knowing better.

And suddenly, I find myself stressing out about my accommodation, and a kind soul asked if I need help with it.

Suddenly, I was tasked to teach a dance class and immediately taught people from all over Asia the zapin dance.

Suddenly, I am on a train with people I want to be friends with, taking them on a minivan for a cute little trip to an artsy tunnel.

Suddenly, I am making ayam gepuk with the Indonesians which reminded me of my ayam gepuk hunting side quests before I head to Japan.

Suddenly, I am invited to go watch one of the biggest firework festival show in Japan, dressed in a hybrid yukata.

Suddenly, I am cooking Malaysian dishes for the friends I made in the summer school.

Suddenly, I am organising an unofficial trip that involved half the summer school cohort, swimming in the sea and watching the sunset with them.

Suddenly, I went for an onsen for the first time, and hosted at least three parties as of today.

I wake up over this past month thinking, is this a dream? Will I ever wake up from this?

But I guess this is where I unleash all my vengeance. I barely got to show what I'm capable of where I was, nor did they bother harnessing it. I doubt that the ghosts of the pasts gave a rat about the things I am doing now. When I come back in two years, I know that I'll be treated the same way, and I could potentially live in that hellish nightmare that I worked hard to run away from.

Barring all that, I realised I find innate joy in making other people happy. I know how it feels like to be in a dark, lonely tunnel. So while we are in a nice bubble now, as a result of our hard work, I want people to know that they've gone so far. Wherever they were in the past can be left behind, and it's time to enjoy this dream as best as they can.

And I hope they too, can feel like it's a dream they never want to wake up from.

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, by Aynn

In a blink of an eye

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, by Aynn

postcards from usj

I realised I was meant to post about this trip (re 3Q QB post), but since then, I’ve already gone to USJ twice.

In my first trip, I was unable to gather my courage in time to do Backdrop, which personally for me was the scariest ride in USJ. Perhaps it was because I did not like the fact I could not see where I was going.

This time around, I made sure this was the first ride I went to. I went on the ride and was honestly really scared. All I could think of was “wow, I’m really doing this.” I turned to my left to tell the pretty girl beside me that I am scared. She then signals me to select a song, perhaps to ease my fear. I didn’t know because I think I was just jittery about the whole situation, so she helped me select a song. And in the most Swiftie fashion, I selected “Shake It Off”.

The ride started and for the first time, I dared to open my eyes. Oftentimes I’d close my eyes because I’m just too nervous but after many of these rides, I’ve realised the need to cherish this while I can. When the ride ended, I thanked the pretty girl who helped me select the song early on. We took a selfie, and exchanged Instagram accounts. Ruka is her name, and later she took out her papago app and wrote “I’d like to go to Nintendo World”.

Well, looks like I made a new friend and onwards we go to Nintendo World.

It turned out that it would take us around 3 hours to wait for Donkey Kong, one of the more famous roller coasters in USJ. Then I suggested we go to Koopa’s Challenge. While waiting, we met a guy who constantly took photos of the area. If there’s one thing I love about USJ is that they definitely took the time to decorate their interior. We then took a couple of pictures of him with the interior design and introduced ourselves. Curtis from Taiwan, Ruka from Japan, and Q from Malaysia. Come to think of it, we really did only have a Papago app and a dream.

We then proceeded to spend a huge chunk of the time together. My favourite part was when we were at the parade and were dancing together with the dancers, and while we are all about the same age, it did feel like we were all children again. Ruka was also so generous in treating us to lunch. She said that this was “Japanese generosity”, and it just made my experience in Japan all the more heartwarming.

It was even more wholesome when Curtis managed to overcome his fear of heights. We started off with going on the Flight of Hippogriff, as a build up to taking on the Flying Dinosaur. While waiting, Ruka also taught us some Japanese and we learnt the viral Japanese song that goes “Ruby-chan! Hai! Nani ga suki?”, and also realised all three of us are into kpop and kdramas.

Before leaving, I really wanted to treat Ruka something as a means to thank her for lunch. But as I ask her what she’d like as a souvenir, she wrote voraciously on her papago app and what she’d wrote really made me tear up, “Our memories here are already very rich”.

I decided to write this here because I don’t want to forget any of these moments. I took away this trip a lot more than just crossing out my bucket list to ride on Backdrop.

I realised, I may have tunnel visioned my life in Malaysia.

There's so much more out there, and perhaps this is my calling.

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A shoebox

I scrambled to find a windbreaker hours before a flight to my long-awaited celebratory trip to Japan. Truthfully, things have started going well for me. The light at the end of the tunnel. Alhamdulillah, isn’t Allah so kind? He really said my life genre is slowly, but surely.

But alas, I felt a bigger sense of responsibility shouldering the burden of the team and doing slides despite being on leave on the day of presentation. That was an expense of proper planning and packing for this trip. I couldn’t even feel excited, in fact, I dreaded the fact that I have yet to finish my slides before my holiday.

But behind this facade of a girlboss, lies a girl. A shoebox lied on the storeroom, dying for me to open it up. To my surprise, it was a bunch of letters from someone in the past. I could have sworn I threw it out when we didn’t work out. But here it is.

So here’s a letter to you.

How have you been? I hated how I opened up an unwanted portal, our chapter has long closed, but people around asks me too, how you’ve been. But I have no clue.

Did you know I ended up becoming an economist. I did study in the UK as what you and I have prayed for, though I know you know. You were there. That was the last information you’ve known from me.

When we briefly spoke, you admitted you were an ass. Truth be told, I think I was too. It doesn’t reverse what happened. But I’d like to think we both only acted with the limited information we have.

I, who have never known men, finally met a boy who liked me for me. Not knowing what to do with that love and care. I did recall having a fairly tough time getting over you. But I got over it when I had feelings for another. Did you have a sense of satisfaction when you saw my heart broke and you succeeded in finding the love of your life? Maybe it was a karmic incident. For a long time, I let go of the standards you have set, and settled for the bare minimum. I hung on to words that to those I fell for are weightless.

Reading those letters made me realise of the standards I forsook. I became a lovergirl who has wasted her time. But looking back, our story was meant to be short-lived. If you were to write letters like these to someone whom you liked only for a few months, I definitely know the people you know and have grown together for years will get a much bigger love. You and I are meant to be each other’s starting line, but never the end. In fact, I am not writing to you, I am writing to the 17-year-old you who didn’t know any better.

But that said, it doesn’t mean the people who once saw you in your tough times stopped caring about you. Reading those letters made me realise that you are such a caring soul in spite of your difficulties. I was just sorry I wasn’t available to be there. You know I would, but I had my own demons to face. My demons grew bigger and bigger that I didn’t have space for another. You on the other hand, needed to fight the demons with someone who can truly be there for you.

I hope you marry the one who has been there for you. You’d be an amazing dad. You’ll know to care for your children, you will promise yourself you will never let them go through what you and your brother had to go through. You deserve nothing short of a happy life.

I may not have someone to grow together with, but it turns out, I would say I’m quite successful in fighting my demons. I fought them without losing my values, and that remains precious to me. And I’d like to think that whatever I have now is the mini reward for that.

I will continue to walk on the Earth alone, searching for meaning as I always do. Perhaps you will hover in my mind in 10 years to come. But it will serve as just that.

It’s time to return the shoebox to the store.

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, by Aynn

Pages

The Optimisation Model of Showing Up

of anonymity and starting fresh

the only time i’ll scold myself

a dream i never want to wake up from

In a blink of an eye

postcards from usj

A shoebox

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