Hijrah. Easier to said, heavier for one to execute it. My story might be a bit different. I wouldn't know.

I knew. I knew it was time for me to wear the hijab. When I was in a spontaneous islamic talk competition in 2013, a senior came up to me and nicely asked whether I'm going to fully wear it, I said, "perhaps next year.". Even a guy from my past once asked when, "when I'm ready."

That's the problem. I never know when I'm ready. To be honest, if it weren't for the things that happened to me, I don't think I'd ever be ready.

It all happened when I knew I got into MRSM TGB. I knew. I knew MRSM people would judge. I started wearing tudung, took pictures, posted them on social networks and made all my pictures with tudung as my profile picture.

When I went to that school, and they asked for my social network, I would give them easily and I knew, I was safe. I hadn't deleted pictures on Instagram that time, and when two of my male classmates requested to follow me, I accidentally accepted them. When I realized that they were about to see my pictures, I felt scared and blocked them.

I forced myself to wear the hijab. I did whatever I could to hide the fact that I was, in fact, a girl who would go out without her hijab. But I tried. I bought new shawls. My mom would tell me, "I'm not forcing you, it's okay if you are not ready yet." 

Yet, I was afraid. I was afraid of them. The judgmental, typical Malay society who would judge. It was a rash decision. 

Then, I decided to look at my seniors and my peers who would post pictures of them without the hijab. Those who wear them at school, but do not wear them outside.

I tend to look at myself in the mirror, and often asked myself, "wouldn't it be great if I get to style my hair?" "wouldn't it be wonderful if I could wear the millions of dresses I've bought?" "too late now, you've changed."

I regretted that. I regretted the fact that I changed before I was sincere. I regretted that I changed because of the people around me. 

This year, I tried looking deeper into Islam, to make myself sincere, to make myself feel that I'm not oppressed upon wearing the hijab. Some would tell me things that make me feel like I want to go back to my old self. It is so, so hard when people try to push you down, as if they know better. 

But that's the thing. You'll never be too sincere. You can never improve drastically. It takes baby steps to walk. Hence, it takes baby steps to fully change yourself. 

To my fellow sisters, wear it when you are ready. Don't force yourself. Wear it with sincerity. Wear it because you know Allah has obliged you to. Wear it without hesitation, without ever looking back. 

Others won't understand, so forget them. People would always try to bring you down. They might question you, judge you and advise you harshly. Don't listen to them. Listen to your heart, and at the same time, listen to Allah. Surround yourself with zikr and motivations to keep you going because one step you are towards Allah SWT, one thousand steps Allah will come towards you.

Allah is the Most Merciful, do not fret. He knows, He always knows.