Trust me, this is one of the most simplistic yet arduous vocabulary that could have ever been inserted into a perfectionist's mind. A mind is created by Allah with wonders, for us to think and make the best out of it. However, there will always be these inner demons who will tell you that you are incapable of being the best. And the worst part is,

it is you.

I had a friend, who told me what was like to be in her dreams. In her dream, she saw herself surrounded by mirrors (does this remind you of the Phantom of the Opera?), and every time she looks at her reflection, she is about to shoot at her own self.

This is what it means by self-loathing and inner demons.

I have not been updating this blog frequently, it is because I am searching for my true self. As a writer, one of the ways I could convey my thoughts is by writing. I like writing here, in this blog. There are readers, silent ones. But I am safe to say that I am not attacked by others about the things I write in this blog. I try to make this blog as personal as possible, but at the same time filter my thoughts so that others don't feel hurt.

I avoid sharing my thoughts to the people close to me, rather I often share my inner demon thoughts to those who are capable of listening to the problems. I observed that if you express your thoughts to the wrong people, they might a) tell others or worse, b) become depressed themselves. I ought to avoid the latter because I don't want to see people depressed because of me. Although I admit, I am very transparent. But I usually try to avoid it by being my happy-go-lucky self. I am blessed with a decent acting skills, pretending that I am a very contented person. But there are times when I cannot keep up with this façade and eventually these demons consume myself altogether.

Just recently I failed in some aspects of life. These failures hit me and I worry. I worry because others are moving forward but I have to keep repeating the same things, but I came across a quote by Productive Muslim which states,

"If we are being tested with the same tests repeatedly, then there is something we ought to learn from them. That is a sign that He cares for us; a sign that He wants to raise our station. He guides us like a good teacher who cares and loves his students; wishing for them to master important lessons before moving on to newer ones."

Hence, the only way to fight your inner demons who keep reminding you of your failures is your trust in Allah, in God the Almighty.

Jazakillah.