I know it's not the end of 2017. But to me, it is the end of a chapter, and a beginning to another. It is coming soon guys, my departure. 

As to where I am headed to? I can't tell you just yet. There are some things I need to settle. Only then I can tell you what's going on.

I am sorry I have been abandoning Blogger for a long time. Even if I write stuff here, it's all super depressing. But honestly, I was having a good time this year.

Let's see. I joined the football team in my house. I think I played for like, 10 minutes. But well at least I know I'm not a kaki bangku , as the Malay proverb puts it. I went to my very first Prom! It was super memorable because I went there with my friends and I was dancing merrily to Shape of You with them. I cycled around KTJ like there was no tomorrow. I became a much more scheduled person. I was able to wake up at 5am everyday in ease. I would occasionally keep in touch with my friends from high school. I decided this was going to be MY year. Nothing's going to stop me.

Then I had my exams. I started watching Shadowhunters for real. I also watched SKAM season 4 because there was a Muslim female lead. I discovered true friends in KTJ along the way. After my exams, I had the best time of my life. I went out with my friends like there was no tomorrow. I did a massive open house in which most of whom I invited came, and I was enthralled! But what is a life without some bumps right?

This year was also the year I decided to be brave. I was holding on these feelings towards someone I cared about for years and I finally let it out in the open, letting that person know. It felt good to finally say it out loud, instead of repressing these feelings. Even when the outcome was not as expected. But at least I had a closure. And all I ever wanted was for that person to be happy. If that person is happy right now, then I am. At least, I will be. Because that person truly deserves it after all that person has gone through. 

But that doesn't mean my heart was as normal. It hurts like a knife stabbing into my heart each passing day. 

And every problem just aggravated after that.

And now, this happened. My future. My dream. 

You ever heard that saying, "Reach for the stars. Even if you fall, you'll land among the skies."?

After this thing happened, I felt numb. I couldn't feel anything. I wasn't sad. I wasn't depressed. I was just.. feeling-less. 

I deleted almost all my social media. Most importantly, my biggest asset; Instagram.

It had so many memories there. I had that account even before it got popular. It was back in 2011 when I was using it just because lomo camera was a hype at that time and I couldn't afford a lomo camera so I used this lowkey app instead. Now, it collected thousands of memories and many people came to me to tell me how inspired they are after looking through my Instagram posts.

And my numb self just had to delete all that. Because numb me was selfish. My heart dropped. It was broken before and now it's broken again.

Mama: Why did you delete your Instagram?

Me     : Idk, maybe this thing happened because some people were envious of me??? So I didn't get                 the blessings that I needed to achieve this?? Hence why I'm caught up in this situation?

Mama: And why would you think that? What about all the girls who are inspired by you? Now what               are they going to see now? Who is going to motivate them now?

It got me thinking, did I; motivate people? Then I remembered those comments and DMs from my peers about how my achievements helped them to become better. How they loved the fact that I am not afraid to be myself and it inspired them to be themselves as well. And I thought, oh dear, what have I done?

Mama: Yeah, sure, you can post all your achievements, but they also need to know that you are human and you have your own downfall too, just like every one else in the world. And that you will be strong through your dark times. 

I am in this phase of accepting things as it is. No matter where I go, I will be great. I will be that person who can inspire people to be better. I will make do with what I have and I will make the best out of it. My mom says that it may not be the best, but it is the most suitable for me. Hence, I will make it. I will pull through. I will be better. If not now, then tomorrow. And the cycle repeats.

This songs describes my worry when I depart. Worth listening :)

 

And now I realised that, ya Allah, Allah has graced me with so many things that I never took the chance to be grateful for. I have a supportive mom, grandpa and cousin (my true fans huhu) to guide me through my dark times. I have friends asking me whether I am okay, especially at this critical moment. Thank you, friends. All these while, I thought I was alone, I thought I had no friends. But I do. I really do. I am not the mayfly I thought I was. I have friends who actually free their time for me when I talk to them. Alhamdulillah. Alhamdulillah. Alhamdulillah.

After experiencing two thirds of the year, I realised how amazing my journey was this year. So many beautiful things happened, accompanied by some incidents which I can learn from. These incidents aren't tragedies, nor are they traumatising. Rather, they are something I will learn from to ensure that I do not make the same mistakes. 

More importantly, whatever has happened happened because it is the best for me. 

Allah's plans are better than my dreams.