Disclaimer: This is not a self-pity, self-appraisal, nor a self-appreciation post. I will say things that have happened to me and how it feels like to be me.

 If you ask people around when I was growing up, you can hear people say, "alah perempuan yang pandai tu.." Yeah. That's me. Apparently, I was smart. I worked my butt off and my whole life as I was growing up was about studying. Until one day, I had insecurities because one person called me fat and taunted me so growing up, my mom decided that we can't live like this anymore. Our weekends consist of going out as early as 8am to watch movies and eat popcorn. After my attempt in being anorexic, we started running. I started joining the Athletics club. I voluntarily joined the 1500m race in my high school. Since I was able to swim as well, my mom decided for me to take up a biathlon race, a race which consists of swimming and running.

At those moments, I didn't like posting pictures of me swimming and running on social media. Until my mom took over my Facebook page and uploaded pictures of me in multiple races. My mom told me that, if we have capabilities, we do not showcase them to brag, we show them to inspire them to unleash their true potential. Hence that's what I am doing now, I guess. Inspiring people.

Therefore, my friends, if you see me posting every day on social media, it is not because I want to show off. I genuinely want to show you my adventures in doing makeup, going to a grand wedding, singing covers while playing the guitar terribly. I am not talented, and for now I am not really as smart as I was before.

But that reputation belongs with me, wherever I go. Even when I may not be as smart as I was. But soon I will be, I hope. So when I tell people who have witnessed me in my past, "hey, I don't think you should make my essays as an example. It's not good." "Of course it is. It's yours." Like whatever belonged to me was gold. Like it is an entity. I felt really honoured when people say that. But people who know me now will throw my essays away if I were to give them. Because, really, I am not as good as I was.

But that won't mean I will not regain my strength that I had once. It was 18 months full of stress and breakdowns, being there wasn't easy. It wasn't easier when you discover that some of your friends backbite you. When people use you for your kindness and your abilities. I guess those people exist. Now my walls are up again.

And of course, once in a while, I feel lonely. 

I never knew those words would be significant in my life before. Depression. Anxiety. Breakdowns. I don't think I have a mental illness. But sometimes, late at night, another me emerges, and tells me about my 'failures'. And she smiles so slyly at the corner of the room, watching me cry and cry and scream in my room. Thank God for a single room. 

Sometimes, I feel like guys are too intimidated to talk to me. When there was someone who wasn't, eventually I was pushed away and told me that I deserve better. Guess I wasn't worth the wait. I was told that guys who say that are usually insecure about themselves. Am I too much to take? Am I too vibrant that no one is able to care for me like one would as a lover? Are guys really that insecure?

But if ever I feel this way, I look at my mother, who has been independent for 20 years. And she looks content. She has fallen in and out of love, but she could still have the time of her life. And that is what I aim to do. To be happy independently. It is me and my beautiful mother, against the world. 

And beneath all that confidence, I am the most insecure person on earth. That's right, folks. The things I post on social media, they are all just a facade.  

Now I imagine myself in split characters. The insecure self. The confidence self. The comforting self. The passionate self. I prefer my confidence and comforting self taking over the rest. Because if my insecure self takes over, it will start asking questions which will then lead to cowardice. And that coward self turns into an angry and frustrated self and then I become a monster. I unleash my anger to others and my insecure self would scream, "AYNNNNN!! STOPP!!! STOPP!!" and my comforting self starts hugging myself to tell me that it is okay. Everything will be okay. It will be okay. And my pious self starts to emerge and tell me to youtube Islamic videos about how to cope with sadness and everything became better. In time, I look back and see the things that I should be grateful for. And my grateful self appears and I am in a calm state of mind again.

The cycle repeats but it gets better. Every day, I am recovering. My confidence self takes over my body again as I breathe in and breath out, as I exhale the negativity out of my mind. I am feeling better. I make it a goal now to be content, and at the same time, still have that drive to succeed. Because I can, and I will.