Hello everyone,

I am back in Malaysia and truthfully it has been uneventful and not even remotely productive. It doesn't help the fact that most of my friends who are studying in the UK have gone traveling for their winter break.

Whereas in Malaysia, most of my friends are having their finals hence I can't really meet up with them. So I am stuck at home, with home residents who are always on their devices hence there are barely any human interaction.

However, I am still grateful and will make sure that I try to make use of my month here. There is a YouTuber that I follow and what she wrote on her instagram really got into me. She mentioned about mentality. When she's busy she wants to be idle. When she's idle she misses being busy. That's exactly how I feel. During my term time, I was so stressed out because I was doing so many things and was also trying to juggle with my studies. Now that I'm here, I miss being busy and I truly hate not being able to do anything. I hate being into a vortex of productivity slumps. Watching useless Youtube videos, focusing nothing on self-development and just trying to cope with my unhealthy eating habits while watching fitness videos but not actually doing them.

I guess as a reader, you'll be thinking, wow this girl is making a lot of excuses. I understand and I notice that so I will write down some things that I am grateful for.

I am grateful for my family. I don't know when I am going back to Malaysia next time. So I have to *try* appreciating my time here. I've always, always been a planner, but never an in-the-moment girl. I hate being a person with no plans, its as if I have nowhere to go. But I have to be in the moment, to appreciate the world a bit more, to understand that my life is short, to appreciate family and friends who are there for me. I am grateful for being able to go for spinning classes. I am thankful for my best friend who took time to spend time with me. I am grateful for my mother, and I try to make sure I make her happy. But that's what family does. I know she means well. I am grateful for my grandmother, so I try to spend most of my time with her. I wish I could spend more time with my grandfather, and try to understand him a bit more, but I don't know how, but I hope I get to achieve his expectations on me, if not now, in future. I am grateful for my cousins, because kids are the purest thing to exist in the universe, and they remind me of the innocence of the dunya, before they become corrupted by humanity.

I hope this week will be more productive than the last. I will make sure that I remove this feeling of envy towards people who are enjoying themselves, as they show on their social media. I will take time off, just for a wee bit to focus solely on myself. I am weak, sensitive and unfiltered. But I am also strong, bold and brave. At least, I try to be.