It taught me the value of contentment.

I don't declare 2017 as the 'worst year of my life' or whatever, because it isn't and there will probably be more and more challenges to come in the future, but I started off in the wrong footing. I was a nervous wreck at the start of the year, and this year was the year of mental health awareness, at least for me.

I always feel like when I write or explain things like this, it feels like I'm exaggerating it. But when I was actually experiencing these feelings, I felt like I had no one. Disclaimer: I do not suffer from depression, alhamdulillah. I've also learnt that there is a difference between experiencing sadness and also self-pity. I realise, I do a LOT of self-pity, and sometimes, when I realise this, I will beat myself up for it and tell myself that what I'm facing is nothing. Which is toxic, really. This year was also the year I sought for help. I realised I am in two extremes, I haven't gotten the balance of trying to be content and grateful about my life. It's like what I've mentioned in my previous post about being in the moment. These few months, I have been trying to appreciate life a bit more instead of hating the current situation I am in. I can formally say that I am very happy with the state I am in. The trials and turbulences that I faced were only a sign from Allah for me to be better. 

This year, I also discovered the importance of self-care. I know I've always hated myself. I am fat, I can't dance, nor can I swim fast. But I think I have come to a realisation that it is *okay* to take one step at a time. It is okay to be just average, because this is just temporary. If I truly work hard for it, i.e. go for trainings, eat healthily, study smarter, I could actually achieve what I want. The best part is that, I finally realise that I can do all these things but if Allah doesn't permit it, then I won't get it. But that's because He wants me to try harder, or He has a better, more wonderful plan for me. 

I spend so much time planning, setting goals, making to-do lists, but in the end, if it's not meant to be, it will not be. But while I'm at it, I should just keep going. As long as I follow and abide by His rules. My life in the dunya is short, I know I am not a good servant, but I will try my very best to remember Him, and remember how short my life will be. I see glimpses of my mother swimming, my grandfather driving me around, my grandmother telling stories, my cousin with his iPad, my other cousin putting on my makeup. These glimpses matter, because you'll never know when they will be gone, or when I will be gone.

That sounds pretty morbid, I'm sorry. But I am just so glad that 2018 was an amazing year for me because I also know the importance of self development. How do I become better each time? I am a phoenix, burnt into the ashes, but will be reborn time and time again. That's just who I am.

I will always believe that I have plenty of room for improvement and I shouldn't let anyone dictate how I feel or allow them to shatter me into pieces. I am who I am and whatever turbulences come my way, I shouldn't let it distract me from my goals and I should just keep going.

Thank you for 2018, everyone.