Today has been a very intense day. But I'm proud to say that it's an intensity of growth. As I've mentioned earlier, I was really stressed out being at home all the time. Even during RMCO, I was always going out, while abiding to the SOPs of course, but being cooped up at home makes me go bonkers. My feelings have their moments. So when I asked my mom, "would it be okay if I spend some time out for myself?" She said yes. I sighed in relief. Perhaps she has witnessed my mood slowly sinking. 

I don't know if I mentioned it here, but I've started driving more frequently! I am so beyond proud of myself for being able to do so because my heart would palpitate every single time I drive, but now, I think I'm getting the hang of it, except the parking bit. Please, reverse parking at my house is a complete nightmare! But I think I understood why it took me four attempts for me to pass the circuit test and only one attempt for my road test. 

So I drove to my favourite place in town, and reflected on all the things in my head. It's like I could finally breathe. As extroverted as I may seem, I do enjoy my alone time. I have no complaints about my work or commitments at home, but it's nice to get out from these commitments and just enjoy life as it is. So grateful that businesses are still allowed to operate albeit in a lockdown. I went there by myself, so social distancing was definitely maintained.

After a good amount of purging and some self-awareness session, I came back home. Had my lunch and continued working. As I was working, my laptop decided to crash and I lost a few hours worth of work. I was fuming, but I decided to listen to some zikr to calm myself down and spent some time working on the portfolio until it was time to go for my 8.30am class with AAPlus. Today, we learnt about Ruku'. And for some reason, I also decided to open up a bit about my life, yes, with about 150 people. I was so embarrassed because I did that. But Aida said, "Okay everyone, let's pray for Aynn."At that time, if I could cry, I would. But lately, I just couldn't cry anymore. I am tired of breaking down. But I felt a sense of warmth and light coming from them. And it keeps me sane. It keeps me alive.

As you age, you realise that your goals you set when you were younger may not be your goals now. Your goals start to be very blurry as time passes by as you ask yourself, "do you even know what you want?". But I think for me, I want to learn to be happy in my own skin. I was fine months before, until all hell broke loose, and I am back to this person I don't want to be. 

But I realised that, it is okay to not be okay. It is okay to do things one step at a time, to have boundaries. Vulnerable times like these make me love my friends who respect my time. They understand my commitments. Please friends, if you read this, I am not abandoning you, I just need my own time. We all do. I respect yours too, so thank you for respecting mine. 

I appreciate friends who are still there despite not being able to contact them regularly. I can ring you up one day after years or months of not speaking, and still be okay. I appreciate friends who tell me, "I was thinking about you today! Can I call you?" and I appreciate it more at these times when I'm most vulnerable. 

So thank you friends, today may not be the day I check up on you. But know that I am in the midst of checking up on myself and I am a work in progress. So thank you for being there for me. 

I hope that one day, when you feel like the world is crumbling down, I will be there popping by to ask if you are alright. 

For years, I have been an anomaly. Now I've truly find my tribe, and I can't be any more blessed than this, alhamdulillah.