I really do miss writing here. Not the short, 'touch and go' writeup, but the long ones that require me to sit down and just, type about how my life has been.

How has everyone been? You know, everytime I ask this on my blog, I think, girl, nobody reads your blog anyways, I probably know about 2 people who do. So why bother asking? But the other part of me says, I'm sure this will prompt them to ask themselves how they are, really. 

Yesterday, I was really restless. I couldn't sleep until 4am. That's very rare, because it's January, and I usually try to be my best self in January, because the hype of 'new year, new me' is still there. But it died down, perhaps because I am having the time of the month. But I was just restless, and all those small habits I built in December felt as if they went into a drain when yesterday happened. 

I'm not even going to discuss on what happened last Saturday. But I hope one day, future Ain will remember this day, as the darkest day, that I won't ever do it to myself ever again. 

Anyways, I met up with a couple of friends earlier this month, I was meant to meet them late December, but it got postponed. Then, on the 21st, we found out that one of our friend had been tested positive. Which forced me to go quarantine elsewhere because I want to avoid the risk of being a super spreader at home, especially with my grandma's condition.

So I booked an airbnb (two, as a matter of fact). One out of rush, as I thought I will be quarantining alone. Then, it turns out that my mother will be joining as they worry about my safety if I were to quarantine by myself. Knowing that the current airbnb won't be able to accommodate the both of us, we moved to a bigger space, one we are staying for a week.

It's beautiful really, because we get to see just how pretty Petaling Jaya is, day and night. How at night, the buildings are well-lit, and some cars would use the highway albeit surpassing the curfew. But it's alright, because I've learnt to be more empathetic towards others because we don't know what their story is. 

I have now time to breathe after two busy weeks of work. It's now the end of January. I'm quite proud of myself because to be honest, I did quite a lot in the first month of 2021. I consolidated and coordinated the risk report, which isn't an easy thing to do, I invited an external speaker to talk about his experience in Bank of England's Risk Department, I designed the box article for the risk report, planned out upcoming events and designed more stuff to attract more people to risk hahaha. And my department will be sponsoring my certification! Beyond grateful.

By the end of this post, I will look back at my journal and look at my intentions for this month/ year and see if I accomplished anything, or if I need to renew my intentions.

To be honest, I screwed things up. I still hate myself. I still wallowed in my emotions, thinking, what is wrong with me? Why do I always have to feel so inadequate. There's always something that I'll wreck. 

But perhaps, that's life. Sometimes, it's better to not take things personally. To just sleep on it and wake up knowing that others only want what's best for you. To always think the best of others because I know myself, I surround myself with good people. So I know that if things go south, it's because they want what's best for me.

I want to keep on writing, but I am tired. I only had 4 hour worth of sleep today. Alhamdulillah, I have a very long weekend. Alhamdulillah for a family who cares for my safety. Alhamdulillah for my managers who support and want what's best for me. Alhamdulillah for my bosses for hyping me up when I post something on whatsapp group. 

There's always something to be grateful for, so hold on to that.