There's a lot of things bottled up within me in the past couple of months, so this is going to take a while. My writing is as dusty as the toy you've discovered under your bed after years.

Depression is such a heavy word, don't you think? It's so stigmatised, but when you come to think of it, it is a myriad of things. It's so dynamic because there are many ways to describe that you are indeed, depressed.

A professional told me to keep track of my behaviour and should there be any symptoms, I should let her know. I keep telling her, maybe I don't have one, since I've always had a growing appetite; sometimes a bit too much. But some things are not best said verbally, sometimes, without you noticing it, it could be as simple as; the inability to get out of bed, 10 hour long depression naps, the darkening thoughts on what to text your friends back after days of going incognito. 

Or sometimes, it could be very obvious; days where you just look at everything and cry. You look at someone else doing the things you formerly love, the longing of being someone you used to be. 

Being sentimental is okay, being sad is okay; but it gets alarming when its been months and you are still in that situation.

You start asking yourself; "am I not doing the right things to get me out of this state?" "why do I keep getting scolded for being this way? Don't they know that I've tried?" 

Then you decide, maybe you should genuinely go to the hospital and check. When it came to really do it, you become a coward.

Because you fear that the manifestation you've had, may eventually come true.

So you decide, I will try again on my own. I will do what it takes.

But sometimes, help comes in various of ways. Especially when your past self has done a good job choosing the right company.

Friends who don't judge you when you're on a mental breakdown after a tiring road trip. Friends who would cry with you for 3 days and 2 nights as you talk to them about what has truly been going on. Friends who may not be close to you, but offer some much-needed affirmation that you can't give to yourself. Friends who remind you of the One above; because as much as I'd like to control my life; He is the One who will give the best for me in this world and the hereafter.

That being said, I wouldn't say I am entirely out of the darkness. But the liberation after getting out of a dark place isn't immediate. It is a process; there is no quick fix for this, no checklist exercise you can do to be better. It really is hard; but you need to realise that you will need that anchor in your life. To some, it may be science or the universe. To me, it is The One and Only, the Almighty, the All-Knowing, All-Seeing. 

and that itself gives me comfort.