I am now at home, "working", I suppose. I reckon now that it's the end of the year, a lot of people are taking leaves, well, even the financial market has gone quite quiet now, so it really feels like a "break", enough time for me to reflect on the year.

You know, I talk a lot about feeling empty this year. I remember the feeling of not wanting to get up, as if it was yesterday. I was ushered to a nice home in the city, life had already gotten so hectic at that point, then the outright rejection that I had to face earlier this year added salt to the wound. 

There was a time where I felt that my life is just nothing but a leaf falling from the tree. People are going to step on that leaf anyways, so what's the point? If you are ambitious, this thing is not for you. So why was I there then? I questioned all that happened to me, and on the outside, it felt like I wanted to accept that, this was indeed my life. But really, in the inside, I was so angry and frustrated. I didn't want to show it, because if I did, it felt like I wasn't content with what God had given me.

There was a tipping point where I felt that this slump was a bit too much, I can't go on like this forever, I have to improve. I listed out ways to get out of my slump, as I always do once I reach the "experiment" stage in the Kubler-Ross curve, met plenty of friends who were there to listen to me. Met people who could actually help me.

Then, I came home. I figured, it was time. I am now healed, and I want to be my best. I spent my time with her the whole month. Even on days when I wasn't willing to do an activity with her, she would wake up willingly, prompting me to do the same. Which was rare, because she would pull all-nighters due to her dementia. 

And that was my last loving memory of her before she left, for good.

And that's when it hit me, why I was positioned at a place I was in. It was to take good care of her. It was to remind me that I deserve far better, and that I should listen to my gut, and just be that fiery Aynn I have always wanted to relive. 

I am now in a much better position, with a place I am willing to spend my mornings and nights on, because there's a vast amount of knowledge to learn. I am, after all, a knowledge-seeker, a knowledge-lover. I am not one to be in a standstill, and be among those who stop me when I want to learn more.

But regardless, I do appreciate all that happened, the slump, the experience, the people. Everyone played a role in shaping me to be who I am now. 

With that, thank you 2021, for this tumultuous year.