more often than not, as a lovergirl, i like to romanticise my life.

i worry whenever i fall for someone, i lose a bit of myself.

my friends tell me that's not the case at all, i'm always trying to improve.

my therapist said, in the lead up to 8 May incident,

"i think he'll like you because you're constantly working on yourself."

and completely affirms me when things went awry saying,

"you're amazing because of you, not because of some guy".

I think writing this to you shamefully

the reason why it was so gut-wrenching was that

i was willing to steer my path to a different direction

and having that vision wrecked, as i shamefully write this

makes me realise,

oh well, back to working on myself again

back to studying again

back to working on my career again

back to trying not to hate myself again

i think at one point it gets sickening

oftentimes even demotivating

because it's like saying

"ah shit, here we go again"

i don't understand why i feel the need to be embarassed

to do something so courageous

i guess that's not what people would expect me to say

sometimes i genuinely wish i live in a rock

not having to feel sad when people ask me

about anything in my life

why do i feel like i'm having a sad life?

when i'm not?

i'm genuinely not

so there i go

romanticise my life again

book a last-minute ticket to Japan

inviting friends to go for a run

while we go for impromptu bike rides

go on chatgpt every month

generate a training plan

the constant feeling of

"what's next?" or the discontentment

when you have yet to fulfill your goals

i am constantly hungry

because i try and try

and admittedly, nothing works

someone once said i have put in high input but low output

but so what?

another revelation of turning 27

its a cycle of

being bored,

being angry,

being sad,

being hungry,

forever unfed with success

constantly working hard

because i have no control over the outcome

my pillar of strength comes from 

my nightly talks with God

the frequent meetups with friends

my long runs

the immersion in the swimming pool