“babilah”

A simple statement from a friend, and a simple way of saying “f*ck my life”

Over the past six years, I spent most of my time admiring people from afar. And unfortunately, it’s very easy for me to catch feelings. I’m loud, yet quiet with my feelings. I use my vibrant persona as a leverage, to mask my true feelings. I’d like to think that it’s really easy for people to spot if I like someone, but last year, the recipient got really shocked that I was pursuing him. Perhaps because I did it so subtly.

Did they not notice how shy I got despite being the most extroverted around them? Did they not notice my many attempts in asking them out? 

It’s hard to admit it, but I am indeed, deeply traumatized from last year’s events. I learnt a lot from it, and so I scolded myself again and again, telling myself “you already know the answer, what’s the point of loving a man anyways?” “you know you will never be loved.” “I mean come on, why would a stranger choose you, f*cking hell, even your dad didn’t!”

Amid the occasional self-hatred, I think I got the big message here. 

It’s okay to be a lovergirl. In other words, it is okay to be a bit more sensitive to things. It is okay to constantly feel. And when the feelings surface, it is okay to welcome them with open arms, instead of shooing it away. It’s okay to feel anxious of what’s to come, instead of scolding yourself. 

I spent too long hating my lovergirl persona that I never appreciated what came out of it. It’s the lovergirl in me that allowed me to host parties for my friends, and seeing their happy faces after being fed, after connecting with old friends. It’s the lovergirl in me that gave me the willingness to cancel my personal plans when my loved ones need company, because listening to their stories for hours never felt like a chore. It’s the lovergirl in me that allows me to appreciate the small things in life, like when the sun seeps through the balcony in tiny fragments, or when the moon is counting days to be full, when the ginkgo leaves were falling massively to welcome autumn season. All these happen because I am a lovergirl. So why do I push it away?

My world revolves more than just being romantically pursued. I realized I am never lonely, and if I feel that way, it’s just because I am not fully present.

I am the happiest I’ve ever been. Maybe I do feel empty every now and then, but that’s human nature for you. 

Being secure isn’t about discarding the negative feelings, it’s about embracing it and giving it some space. Maybe the space is what’s needed for these feelings to finally fade. 

I can channel my love to so many things. To my family, my friends, animals, nature, to God. My life doesn’t revolve around being romantically pursued. I know. But I have faith that, with this persona, I will be attract people who deserve me and my capacity to love, just as how I deserved to be loved too.