Pink Masquerade: personal

An Eye-Opening Experience

I started wearing spectacles when I was 12.

It all began with my stupid self trying to look 'cool' by wearing spectacles. So I continuously wore my friend's spectacles. Little did I know that I gained my own power and I had to wear it during cinemas or when in class.

It exacerbated when I came to TGB as my bed was directly facing the sunlight. I didn't have an eye mask to cover my eyes from the sun rays at that time, so it really took a huge toll on my vision (get yourself an eye mask, people!) It got so bad, I couldn't even see what my teacher wrote on the board, although I was sitting at the front row (until a few days ago).

Years passed and I'm in KTJ, and I needed the spectacles more than ever. I used it more frequently until something happened to the spectacles and I couldn't really use it because it was loose and it was scratchy all over. But I'm 19 anyway. My family made a promise to send me to a LASIK centre to get my eye done once I turned 18.

Of course I remember that promise. That's all I ever wanted. To get my vision back.

The week has come and I have chosen to do my LASIK at Professor Muhaya Eye and LASIK Specialist Centre in Kajang. She is indeed very experience. I don't really know her as much, I do know that she is a motivator but I didn't know that my visit to her centre would change my life entirely.

After making an appointment, I went to the centre to get my eye checked. If you want to do a LASIK surgery, you have to get your eye checked first in order to ensure that your eyes are suitable to be LASIK-ed. (Yes, I created that word).

Do bear in mind that if you choose this centre, it will offer two types of surgery, one is ReLEx-Smile, which costs RM 12 600. It's a type of surgery using the highest technology the centre could offer. It also has lesser effects compared to LASIK. The second option is the normal LASIK surgery and when I did it it was RM 8000. They told me to go for the former, as I am a swimmer and the effect of the first option is that I only skip water activities for a week but for LASIK, I would have to skip for 1 month or more. Because RM 8000 already costs a bomb and I feel like I'm putting a lot of burden to my family already so I decided to stick with LASIK.

After my eye check-up. I got to meet the one and only Prof. Muhaya, as she consulted me on what type of surgery I would do. My mom was telling her how I swim and doing LASIK might effect my swimming routines; a few moments later Prof asked me

"Why do you swim?"

"because it's a stress reliever for me"

"Why are you stressed?"

"Because I have A-Levels coming up and I need to get the grades."

"Why do you need the grades?"

"Because I need to get to the university I want to go to."
"Why do you want to go to a top university?"

"Because I want to make my mom and family proud... I don't want to disappoint them?"

"You have to stop aiming to please others. Your purpose is to please Allah, the One and Only. When you aim to please Allah's creations, it would only disappoint you. You need to have these things in you, gratefulness, sincerity, compassion and bravery."

"It's just that, I have been failing so many times."

"Mediocrity is okay. Ada hikmah di sebalik segala-galanya. Make Allah your priority. You are studying Economics to help the ummah and to become a good servant of Allah. You also have to start to forgive others. Every night, you tell yourself, that you forgive everyone who has done anything wrong to you."

"Don't worry, you will do great, I am so proud of you."

Obviously I cried like the emotional person I am. Then, I was told to watch the recent Youtube video of Yasmin Mogahed. It really is motivating. There is a speech on Youtube entitled, "You Can Overcome" which I relate so much. One of the things that she said to help overcome these negative thoughts in our head is to keep a gratitude journal. I'm trying it out and alhamdulillah, I could see some improvements in my thoughts and how I perceive life.

After the consultation, we agreed to meet on Thursday for my Lasik surgery.

On the 6th of April 2017, I woke up early feeling super jittery and nervous for the surgery.

After a few hours of waiting, they called me up and asked me to put on the surgery clothing and a shower cap look alike. There were two patients queuing for the surgery. The other guy is an Arab, looks like he's my age as well. He asked me whether I would be the first patient. I replied, "I have no idea." Later, the nurse called his name to go in first. Ha.

Then the same nurse called me into the surgery room to witness the Arab guy's eye surgery so that I do the exact same thing as the guy did. Just focus on the green light.

After his surgery is done, it was then my turn.

I was blatantly scared, but they told me to keep reciting Al-Ikhlas so it was okay. I think I had trouble opening my eyes or something. IDK. It was not painful, but it was gory. I'm just gonna spare you the details. 15 minutes later, I got up, and it was all foggy.

When I came home, it was really painful. My eyes couldn't stop from producing discharge and excess water. I called them up and they said that it's normal since my power is pretty high so my eyes are still trying to adjust. I slept the whole day after that.

The next day, I opened my eyes, my eyes are no longer that sensitive to light, and I saw everything in HD! Alhamdulillah. I couldn't believe my eyes! I don't think my eyes could believe it either! I could see what brand my air conditioner is! I could see the 99 names of Allah in the fram which is 20 m away from where I'm sitting. I can blog without using my spectacles. Alhamdulillah, alhamdulillah, alhamdulillah.

Prof's last words to me were,

"After this, you are a different person. Tak payah panik-panik dah. Orang yang panik adalah orang yang rugi. Okay?"

Meeting Professor Dr Muhaya and undergoing the LASIK surgery was indeed, an eye-opening experience. Literally. InsyaAllah, I will use my eyes to increase my amalan to Allah and to give service to the ummah. I will continue to be a better person of my own self, every single day.

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, by Aynn

In family, personal

The Four Children

"The Downworlders I take under my wing, they are my children. My family."

-Magnus Bane

I don't know why, but these words remind me of my three favourite children.

I was alone for almost seven years since I was born. Until one day, I finished school on the 11th March 2005, my mom picked me up from school, which was pretty unusual because she would usually come home late at night after her arduous work in KL. Then she went in for a hug and said, we're going to the hospital to see the new addition to our bigger family!

My aunt and I was quite close when we were younger. She would ask me opinions on what she should call the new baby. And I would always call the baby out and rub my aunt's belly and greet the tummy hello and good night. My aunt was insistent that she would call her baby Batrisya, until they found a more suited name, Nurin Damia.

When Mia came into my world, it was a roller coaster ride. It was like everything changed for me. I was no longer the favourite. I was no longer the girl my family would care about. I was always second to Mia. I guess it was a shock for a seven year old to accept a new person into her world. Mia and I would always fight, and I even threatened to run away from the house quite a number of times. Once, I even wrote a 100 things to do before I die list (posted on this blog) that I would prove to my grandma that I am better than her. HAHA.

And now she's all grown up, she's 12 and smart as ever. Heck, she's even taller than me. We've all had our moments, but I will always remember how she would always see me as someone to look up to. Even when I'm not. I am the worst version of what people deem as an idol. I am an ordinary person just trying to get my life together. Anyway, then there were just the both of us. Until 2013.

Then two cute babies are born. One in March and the latter in December. We're only four people. But we can rule the world and make each other happy with just our late night hide and seek games. Mia and her dedication to study and take time to play with us. Hazim and his 'pelat' accent and Hana and her 'mat salleh' shenanigans. I love it when all four of us are in the house and I can see their giggling faces as they play with each other.

I really can't imagine what will happen when I'm no longer here every twice a month to see them. Maybe I will, but the next thing you know, I might miss important events of their lives. I am not so sure. But since time is scarce, I take it to create the best moments that I can so that when I leave, I will have these memories carved in my heart. Because family is everything.

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, by Aynn

In college, personal

Dreams

Source: Google

We've all had those dreams when we were younger, or probably dreams that your family has that was brought down to you?

We've all had those dreams. But as we grow older, often we would be reminded of those dreams and the thought of it, through a pessimist's eye, would just leave one to sneer.

I may look like the person who is confident, ever ready to inspire people with my lengthy captions. But sometimes I need to give myself a reality check as well. The people who don't know me have told me I couldn't do it. I am not worthy of something so big. There are other people with better chances of getting it more than me. I am sorry for being vague, but let me just clear it up for you.

I haven't been blogging for a long time, because I have been down in the dumps, for a very long time. I had to face some turbulences along the way, I could give you a list, but I'll only name two major ones. My application to Cambridge and my driving test.

Cambridge. Just that word cause my brain cells to activate and my heart beat faster. There were so many things being said about my application. But I went through. Before I hit send, I asked myself, "am I making the right choice?" "am I even worthy?" "Will I even make it?" I almost cancelled everything with the thought of I won't be qualified for an interview anyway. But my mom reminded me of all the past opportunities that I had in which I let go of. Then I wiped my tears away and hit send.

Little did I know two weeks later, I got an email from Cambridge inviting me for an interview. I was shocked as there was one major deterrent in my application, but the email happened and there I was preparing for the interview.

Overall, it was an interesting experience. I am truly grateful that Allah has given me a chance to be interviewed by one of the best universities in the world. I did the best that I could, I will leave the rest to Allah. He has given me so much and I often forget to count my blessings. With this post, in which I hope I will not delete, I will remind myself that this is indeed one of the biggest blessings that Allah has given me.

Also, I have finally passed my driving test, after doing it four times. I broke down so many times (like the car I drove huhuhu) but finally, I did it. Some may find the test a piece of cake, but driving is my weakness. I really hated it. But automatic cars, after passing the test for the terrifying and terrible manual car, are relatively easier to maneouver so I don't hate driving anymore.

I gave up once. But I had to man up and do it again. Try, try and try again. That's what I will do.

I failed so many times this year, I'll admit. But these challenges will not stop me, it only molded me to be stronger.

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, by Aynn

In personal,

Failure

Trust me, this is one of the most simplistic yet arduous vocabulary that could have ever been inserted into a perfectionist's mind. A mind is created by Allah with wonders, for us to think and make the best out of it. However, there will always be these inner demons who will tell you that you are incapable of being the best. And the worst part is,

it is you.

I had a friend, who told me what was like to be in her dreams. In her dream, she saw herself surrounded by mirrors (does this remind you of the Phantom of the Opera?), and every time she looks at her reflection, she is about to shoot at her own self.

This is what it means by self-loathing and inner demons.

I have not been updating this blog frequently, it is because I am searching for my true self. As a writer, one of the ways I could convey my thoughts is by writing. I like writing here, in this blog. There are readers, silent ones. But I am safe to say that I am not attacked by others about the things I write in this blog. I try to make this blog as personal as possible, but at the same time filter my thoughts so that others don't feel hurt.

I avoid sharing my thoughts to the people close to me, rather I often share my inner demon thoughts to those who are capable of listening to the problems. I observed that if you express your thoughts to the wrong people, they might a) tell others or worse, b) become depressed themselves. I ought to avoid the latter because I don't want to see people depressed because of me. Although I admit, I am very transparent. But I usually try to avoid it by being my happy-go-lucky self. I am blessed with a decent acting skills, pretending that I am a very contented person. But there are times when I cannot keep up with this façade and eventually these demons consume myself altogether.

Just recently I failed in some aspects of life. These failures hit me and I worry. I worry because others are moving forward but I have to keep repeating the same things, but I came across a quote by Productive Muslim which states,

"If we are being tested with the same tests repeatedly, then there is something we ought to learn from them. That is a sign that He cares for us; a sign that He wants to raise our station. He guides us like a good teacher who cares and loves his students; wishing for them to master important lessons before moving on to newer ones."

Hence, the only way to fight your inner demons who keep reminding you of your failures is your trust in Allah, in God the Almighty.

Jazakillah.

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, by Aynn

In personal,

The Mayfly Girl

Who is The Mayfly Girl?

*me*

For those who have not yet watched Sherlock (please do watch it btw), the Mayfly Man (or in my case, Girl) means someone who goes around and communicate with others and suddenly, it looks as if he doesn't exist. Poof, he's gone.

I would merely describe myself as The Mayfly Girl because, I don't have a clique. I mean, like those groups you hang with. I prefer being alone, it has been that way since Standard 3, really. Maybe its because I always have bad luck in friendships.

And, really, I just don't like being stuck in a group. I know, maybe certain people would argue with me on this, but please, everyone deserves to state their opinion. I don't like waiting for people. Yes, I do hang out with people who are close to me, but it varies. Sometimes, I hang with this clique, then the other and the best is to be alone.

Now, here comes the fear. The fear of being alone. I don't mind being alone, really. It actually gives me peace. It gives me time to think about life and all. But it's hard here in KTJ. They do have the 'eat alone in the dining hall' campaign but honestly, I still feel inferior to sit alone. Once, I sat alone and someone came up and ask, 'why are you sitting alone?', I just want to feel like sitting alone is not a crime. In TGB, I do it all the time. Because I don't have fear. Now, I'm the little fish in the big pond. I do have the fear.

Being a Mayfly is not a crime. I am a Mayfly Girl, and honestly, this is my first time admitting it in this blog which thankfully is not such a big deal (hopefully) to people around me. Cambridge or LSE or future employers, if you are doing a background check, I don't mind you reading this.

Yes, I am The Mayfly Girl. A lot of us are. That doesn't mean we are alone. We like to communicate with everyone. No matter which clique you are in, no matter how well we know each other. It is okay to be one. It is okay to sit in class alone. It is okay to eat alone. It is okay to not have one best friend or a bunch of tightly-knit friends to tell your problems to. As long as you are happy with your life, live it the way you want to.

(By the way, I do have friends to tell my problems too. Loads of them. Haha)

I also brought up this issue because I am surrounded with people who have close-friends. It's hard when you have these people and they can't seem to open their doors for you. Sometimes, it made me realize, why don't I have a best friend? Why do I always fail in friendships? Maybe I don't, but I never really made a great impact to anyone till they actually refer to me as their 'best friend'. My mom's my best friend though. She's the only one who truly knows me and knows how I feel about the world.

"Maybe because you don't need one, or you haven't found one. In any rule book created in this world, nothing states that you must have one in your age."

"But it feels lonely sometimes."

"That's why you can't count on one person only. We can only depend on Allah the Almighty."

Here's a message to those who aren't Mayflies. Do not judge us. Do not look at us the other way around. This is what we choose to be. This is our pathway. Don't look at us as if we do not fit in, rather tell yourself that it is comfortable for us to be this way.

"Why fit in when you were born to stand out?"

-Dr. Seuss-

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, by Aynn

In personal, running

PJ Half Marathon 2014

Ola! I have been planning to write so much in this blog. I actually have a total of 5 drafts here. Wanna talk about school. But thinking about it just makes me stressed up and there's too much things to say and the voices in my head roar to the beat of nostalgic memories of that school so for once I want to enjoy my holidays while it lasts.

I went for PJ Half Marathon a few hours ago. I ran the 7 km route and I couldn't be any happier. I was a little worried at first as I hadn't trained for months. The last time I ran a race was during MRSM TGB's cross country and that was like 10 months ago.

So I didn't expect much. I wouldn't mind if my timing was slow since I'm starting my athleticism all over again. I will talk about my loss in athleticism and body confidence later (not in the mood)

Back to where I was, ah, the race. Mom started off first for 10 km. Then I waited and apparently I saw Sheann being her athletic self at the starting point. We hugged each other. Man, I remembered those days when we were training like freaks for the Sports Day. When I wanted to stop, she'd just smile and say "come, lets continue with me." I always followed her and that made an impact till I was really really fit.

Until I went to MRSM TGB lol.

Anyway, Sheann showed me Karmen and Steph, my other ex-classmates. Apparently, they're into races as well.

When the gun went off, everyone ran like freaking cheetahs and I was looking at the watch to check the time. The next thing I know I'm the last person as everyone was sprinting.

Alhamdulillah, I get to catch up although I did not have the speed. I didn't stop running. I was contemplating to myself whether I should stop running and tried to go easy on myself. But I didn't. I pushed myself towards the end and alhamdulillah. I managed to complete my race in 35 minutes. Not bad for a runner who hadn't been running for a long time.

I know there are more races and I have boarding school to go to. I'm glad that I joined this race. I feel like Happy and Bubbly Ain is back. There is never going back and I will continue this journey of athletics till I die, insyaAllah.

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, by Aynn

In life, personal

We still have everything

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, by Aynn

In personal,

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again

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In achievements, birthday

dream, dream, dream of perfection

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, by Aynn

In concert, kumon

It bites my moves

In case you are wondering, why am I selling revision books, including Form 3 ones?

Well, I just bought a massive collection of workbooks last Saturday and I decided I need to get rid of old ones. So, I took some books and attempted to sell it online.

The real reason why I am selling these books is that I need money, to go to Paramore concert.

Why should I go?

I'd probably get enough money to go to the front seat where I can see Hayley, Taylor and Jeremy's beautiful faces. (Last time I went I can barely see anything)

Why should I not go?

If I still don't get the money. It's okay because I went to their concert once on the 19th October 2010. Those were the times when The Farro Brothers are still there. Now that they're gone and the new songs are not really something that I like (I'm really sorry). In fact, it's PMR year and I'm supposed to study and all.

The other reason why I sold the workbooks is because I wanna try something new. Business. Which, I am disappointed to say that I'm not making any progress. So if you have friends who would like to buy, please do tell them to have a visit to my rather insipid blog.

My life has absolutely been very occupied lately. Ever since I am confirmed to be in Swimming MSSS, I am working my butt off to increase my speed and learn how to dive competition-style. On Saturday, I did a 7km hike and 14 laps of speed swim training in the morning and in the evening, I did a relax 56 laps of swimming which added up to be 70 laps. I did nothing the next day. Today, I swum 20 laps + 5km jog at KGNS and Taman Tun respectively and 60 laps in the evening. I am truly ecstatic to discover my capability to swim, but alas, my speed is still slow. Anyone volunteer to teach me how to dive and flip turn? I would love that.

I'd thought I'd study Kumon but I only managed to study Part One due to my packed schedule.

And then I realized blogging makes me a procrastinator. I guess I have to go.

Be prepared for more books to be sold online. This time, it would be fictional ones.

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, by Aynn

In personal,

you will be queen

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, by Aynn

In life, personal

Short

I won't rant much.

First week of school. So many words to describe. Hectic. Boisterous. Chaotic. But I managed to find time to finish all my mundane homework before their respective due dates. Alhamdulillah.

Classmates.

To be honest, I really am satisfied with my new classmates. They are exceptionally ingenious and I am very happy most as we can work together as a team. Everyone listens and does what they're supposed to do. To be good leaders, we have to learn how to give and take orders. Therefore, my classmates are natural leaders.

Homework.

Well, I did manage to finish all my homework by today. But there are 270 more days of excessive homework. But it’s okay. I only use up to 15% of my brain. I need homework to fill up my brain with good use. Oh My God. Did I just sound like a nerd?

Weekend.

Today is a weekend. I had sore throat yesterday, excessive liquid came out from my nose and the night felt cold. Shivers ran against my spine. I guess it’s because I got showered by rain as I got into the car from my Kumon class. I told my mom and I reluctantly went to the doctor and got some medicine. I was also indulged with a Belgian Chocolate Haagen Dazs ice-cream which will go straight to my thighs. I had it to help lessen the sore in my throat. I could use my sore throat as an excuse to indulge myself with ice-cream in future. However, my mom would kill me if she knew that. Anyway, I stayed at home and slept. When I woke up, mom told me to have a swim. I rejected that offer right away but she looked like she won’t take no for an answer so I prayed my Asar and packed my clothes. I did 40 laps today. I broke my training record. Thank you, swim coach aka my mom's old friend for the swim technique. I am delightfully happy as I do not feel tired at all. Went to a night market and went back home. I did my history homework. I cheered happily as I finished the last word for the messy timeline. Now, I am slightly free to go waste my time and energy to social network.

So there goes my uneventful week.

Okay, I did rant much.

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, by Aynn

Pages

An Eye-Opening Experience

The Four Children

Dreams

Failure

The Mayfly Girl

PJ Half Marathon 2014

We still have everything

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again

dream, dream, dream of perfection

It bites my moves

you will be queen

Short

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