"Find the Ain who was confident in everything, find the Ain who never gave up, even when there were turbulences hitting her, find the Ain who was committed. find her and get her back."

Hello friends, thank you for listening to the rants I am pouring onto this blog. Especially to those who have been reading my blog since 2011. Thank you, for being there witnessing my journey. Things have changed now, I'm no longer the person who writes with simplicity. My style of writing is now more intricate, and somewhat slightly more emotional. That is me, fellow friends. That emotional girl who writes with my heart.

I have lost so many things as I grow older. Most importantly, I've lost my confidence. I somehow could no longer believe that I could be the best that I could be. Some people may ask, "Really, Aynn? The Aynn is no longer who she is?" People from when I was younger probably knew who I was, that girl who is confident, who is ever-willing to improve, and is always capable of doing more, ever-willing to discover new potential. The older me? I'm not pin-pointing this to anyone. But I personally feel that my previous cohort made me who I am now.

I am not afraid to say this now, since the people are no longer here, they no longer appear when I roam around my school grounds. I was bullied. Not physically bullied. But verbal bullying. I never knew how physical bullying felt like, and I'm blessed for that, Alhamdulillah. However, verbal bullying takes depression into a whole new level. They make you discover flaws you never knew existed in you.

Fat. Ugly. Ordinary. Every Malay word which represents these two words.

These negative words struck me until now, and these words cut deep into my throat, as my positive words wailed into these reign of thoughts, then proceeded into darkness as it failed to reach into this brain of mine.

I'm always thinking that I'm never good enough.

"Cuba tengok macam dia tu, kan comel. Lawa. Cantik. Kau ni apa? Muka biasa je."

"Q, kau tak rasa terancam ke dia lagi pandai dari kau?"

"Ye ke kau lari laju? Kau kan gemuk."

"Alah Q ni apa je.. dah la muka gelap"

ENOUGH AIN. ENOUGH.

There was one time where I was supposed to go back to my old school, to give a motivational talk. Upon preparing for the talk, my mom wanted me to tell them those negative words that spewed from the negative people in my life. The minute she mentioned those, tears start falling. Why do I waste so much tears thinking about these? They are not worth my tears, at all.

But thank you, to those who brought me down. You are the major contributor who made me become who I am now.

But thanks to you too, I am still breathing, and ever-willing to find the old Ain back. You want me to become the Q you defined me? Hell no. You are not to define me.

Only I will define myself.

Disclaimer: Where are you now, anyway?

The fellow youngsters reading this blog, do not let people, not even your closest friends, bring you down. You do you, and the only person who will believe in you, is

YOU.

Note:
Aynn- nickname pre-2014
Q- nickname post-2014
Ain - what I call myself

Hello everyone! I'm on my Easter break right now. Hence, I got myself a good ol' two weeks of holiday. Pretty amazing, eh? After months of wrecking my brains out with exponentials and other shenanigans. Holidays are the best, but not when you have nothing to do. I did have something to do aka homework. Like my Math teacher famously said, "this isn't your holiday, it's your study leave!" I definitely couldn't keep my eyes barely open for homework so here are some of the 'productive' things you guys can do to fill up your time.

1. Listen to TED talks


Listening to talks at Ted.com has made me content and the talks always cease to amaze me, so be prepared to be amazed. You can choose, what type of talks you want to listen to i.e. inspiring, informative etc. You get information and expand your horizon on certain matters.

2. Get yourself a hobby


I took some of these pictures from my iPhone. I love these new flowers my Grandma purchased online! Such a pleasing view!

I also swam for two days and got my motivation back. Then, my ear starts acting up and apparently there was a boil in my ear. I hope it will shrink in a matter of time.

3, Listen to new music

Here is a playlist I made for you readers. The songs may be great to listen when you study or you just want to get back to being happy. Now I know how it feels to be cooped up in your own home, doing hopelessly nothing. Sometimes I really feel unpleasantly unhappy and I might fall into the traps of depression anytime soon if I am not productive enough.

4. Get yourself a job

I'm trying to keep myself occupied during Summer Break, so I am applying to be an intern somewhere yet to be known. Wish me the best of luck! (I truly need it *sigh*)

5. Watch TV Series you never got to watch (especially since you were in a boarding school)

I had so much to catch up on, especially PLL, OUAT and Glee. Mind me if I am being a hypocrite here, but I tend to watch sneak peeks and eventually ruined the show for me. It is perhaps an annoying habit of mine having to spoil the simple pleasures of life as I just want a giant leap to the happy ending.

By the way, have you heard of Shadowhunters? It's a tv show based on Cassandra Clare's The Mortal Instruments. I read the book once but I was told the movie sucked. I decided to watch some scenes on youtube after watching some snaps from a good friend of mine. Then suddenly my TMI fandom is back on. I only have watched this scene and I have already entered the Malec fandom. I DONT THINK I SHIPPED KLAINE AS MUCH AS I SHIPPED MALEC AS I NEVER REALLY SHIPPED GAY COUPLES BUT THIS IS TRULY AN EXCEPTION.

The chemistry between them is real! Although in real life, both of them are actually straight. I'm so glad that Harry Shum Jr., the person playing Magnus Bane is getting important roles. I remembered him vividly as Mike Chang in Glee. I'm so happy for the Glee cast! Melissa Benoist being Supergirl, Grant Gustin is Barry Allen/ Flash. So so happy!

Also, can we talk about what is going on in Pretty Little Liars? I only left for two years and we know who A is, Spencer is with Caleb, everyone is getting married with the wrong guy, Mrs. Dilaurentis has an evil twin?? This show is getting more and more twisted every day, I'm so done with the show. I'll come back when they finally resolve ALL the answers.

As you can see, I set up a new template. Although there are some flaws in this new template, to view the full template, you'll have to see my blog on a computer. However, on the mobile template, you're still allowed to comment and such.

I also created a poll asking people what to watch. You guys can help too, hehe.

Should I watch

— Q (@AynnIhsan) April 1, 2016

I like to observe successful people. I don't believe it's a crime, stalking them on social media and all sorts. In social media, they look like those who are having fun. But when you actually know their behavior, that's when you get to unravel the truth about who they are.

In the morning, I am a sleepyhead and a lazy bum. At the college, the earliest I woke up was at 5am. That was when I had my first day vibe. Then on the recurring days, I woke up at 6.

At this college, you will see a lot of successful people. 4 students got the offer to Cambridge University. I observed a Kijang Emas scholar whose room is in the same row as mine (God forbid she doesn't read this), but she would wake up very early in the morning to study. When it is time for House Run and extracurricular activities, she will go all out. She is fun in her own ways and I particularly like to observe her peculiar behavior.

Now, what I'm not trying to say that I like to stalk people, no. What I want to tell you is that there is nothing that will stop you from being smart.

This is a question people tend to argue; a normative statement (For those who'd want to study Economics in A-Levels you might wanna know what normative statement means)

I decided to write about the Bank Negara Kijang Scholarship award as today some of my friends back in TGB had their Mara American Degree Preparatory Program (MADPP) interview. Though I know it is too late for them, but it may help for those who would like to try out for the Kijang/Kijang Emas scholarship after SPM.

How did I come across this scholarship? I was pretty bummed that I didn't pass the Khazanah interview stage. I really wanted to get the Khazanah scholarship because I thought that was the only shot at studying in a fast track program (since MADPP doesn't offer Actuarial Science). My only shot was getting a scholarship after SPM. Then one day after meeting my mom after Accounts during the SPM week, I was hanging out ((gossiping)) with my best friend Asyrine. Then, my classmate Zai came over and asked me why am I not in Chem class. Also, there's a Bank Negara Scholarship which offers Actuarial Science. So I went to the counselling room and wrote on the application form. It is an Early Harvest program, like Yayasan Khazanah as we used our trial results (minimum 8As (A+ and A). Yes, I did go to my chem class.

A few days passed and I went to Belum as an escapade (a post yet to be written) (I'm still sad my camera has gone to Canon forever) (unless I have RM700) (no mood to write about vacays without pictures). I left my phone charger (idiot) at home so I had to survive 3 days without my phone. Then, I had this sudden epiphany that someone called me so thankfully I bought my phone cikai and received a few missed calls. I called it back and the person said "Bank Negara" and my eyes widened so I asked why did I get a call. She told me to check my email.

The academy was held on the 18th to 20th of December which also meant that I will have to sacrifice my holiday in Morocco. My heart was torn into two, so I prayed Istikharah and decided to send my documents to the BNM officer. My mom also said, "its okay to sacrifice your trip now, then having to sacrifice for later."

So there I was on the 18th at Lanai Kijang, a prestigious place for us to stay. Here are some of the pictures.





This is probably the best pose I have ok.

DAY TWO

GROUP ASSESSMENT



We were divided into 7 groups. I was in the same group as Hajar, a schoolmate of mine (never separated from TGB vibes, ugh) (but Hajar is cool I'm so glad I'm in the same team as her). We get to talk and get to know ourselves before the assessors came to conduct the assessment.

We had four group assessments. First assessment is a get-to-know-your-groupmates. Basically they just want to see how you can click with your groupmates. Then, we had to present in groups on the field we want to study. I presented Actuarial Science with 2 other guys while the others presented on Economics. Then, they had some Q&A sessions.

The second and third group assessment were tough and strenuous. I'm so glad it's over. They would give you some amount of 'money' and we have to do calculations and stuff. I was a Project Manager in the third assessment. You don't really have to win or succeed in presenting. There's never a right or wrong answer. What matters is what you've learnt so make sure you give your feedback on how to improve on your group's presentation.

I think I'm explaining too much lol.

Lastly was building something. Just one thing. TGFH. (Thank God For Hajar).

The second night was very heart palpitating because they will announce who made it through. I was already half-ready to go back home. Then I heard, "Qurratulain"

Was so relieved. (Nama salah pun takpelah)

People who made it through the group assessment will go for the individual assessment on the next day.

THIRD DAY

They had the individual presentation and the interview. I was actually on the verge to present a common topic but then I thought, "cliché."

I presented something different so it definitely made the interviewers excited. After my presentation, they interviewed me. They asked the common questions like "Tell me about yourself. "Why Actuarial Science?" and all that. I gave answers economics-related to convince them. Then they asked if I have any questions for them. I just asked what's the common economic issue we're facing now.

DAYS LATER

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim, the beginning of a new chapter #repost pic.twitter.com/NmU7P8Xs0Z

— A33 | Q 9A+ (@AynnIhsan) December 31, 2015

The shocking part is that I didn't get the field that I wanted, which was Actuarial Science. But I think they evaluated me in the interview and the answers I gave them so they allowed me to study Economics when I further my studies. But I know, Allah always offers the best for me. If this is what Allah gave me for now, then I shall take it. I'm sure the best is yet to come as long as I do not lose my faith in Him.

Alhamdulillah for everything, Alhamdulillah.

Tips?

During the group assessment, be the shining star but don't be the one who dictates the group, give others the opportunities to talk as well. They want to see you have the balance to be a good leader and also a follower.

During the individual assessment, just be yourself and be honest. Also, avoid being nervous. When you're nervous, that's when you are not yourself. (Yeah, I'm quoting what Imran said to me)

I was so glad I got this scholarship, it was worth the skipping of the Morocco trip.

Alhamdulillah.

New year huh?

I shall begin with describing 2015 first.

This is the year I changed, it is a year of my metamorphosis, perhaps I am changed to a more mature person. I am more fond of life. Life in the dunya is indeed fun and games, but now that I am growing, the world is in your hands.

The decision you make now determines your future. What do you want to be? Where do you see yourself a few years from now. Had a little conversation with a Bank Negara staff who said, it's wonderful how teenagers like you already have a vision in life. For me, the vision I have is a carved one, we are trained to have visions. I am blessed to have a mother who is able to foretell my capabilities and lets me hone them in order to become a better person. Together, we planned our pathway so that my future self would thank me later.

2015 was indeed a rollercoaster. Yes, I had my ups and downs. Being a visionary person, I have already set short-term goals in order to achieve the best out of myself. I participated in events, like I did in Sri Aman. I began to form a closer bond with my Creator, in which I still seem to struggle, paying more attention to the world around me. Making my own decisions. Creating my own statistical probability to succeed.

Have I succeeded? If you ask regarding my short term goal, we shall see in March. Or else, we'll see myself in years to come.

I have changed so much. I have always been an ultimate perfectionist. Now, I can't truly say I have lost the perfectionism in me, but I have grown to accept the fact that I can't always get what I want. Instead, wait. Allah always has the best for me. Always have faith. Redha. This is the best for you, Aynn. I have learnt to accept it if I don't achieve the things I want. Instead, I become a more resilient self and strive again and again. Like a baby who is learning how to walk. It is our mentality that we need to change. If they gave up, would they have been able to walk by now? Allah gave us such great examples in life to never give up. Keep going. Your time will come.

I have also learnt to think in different perspectives. I have always known to be the girl with academic capabilities. Never in a million years, would I have thought to be the Best Co-Curricular Female Graduate. Me? The girl who ran last for her primary school because I would never be chosen as a representative to run. The girl who was placed at the last row in her Zapin dance routine in Standard Two because she's got a two left feet. I sometimes wonder, why did I ever come to the audition? Why did I agree to go for a science competition when I know nothing about making soap? Why did I ever go for a campaign to become the President? I was driven, and I was glad I shaped myself to be that way.

This year was the year I found myself. This year was the year that I created my own identity. I tried so hard being a copy of someone else, I tried so hard to fit in. This year, I didn't mind eating alone without a clique at the canteen and communicating with different people who had lunch around me every day. I never believed in cliques, there's so much more things to think about in life, though I do have people around who have kept me company and appreciates me as their friend like Ara, Asyrine, Balqis, Amani and Noryn (in the surau). I am a person who like being independent.

I also became the person who doesn't try so hard anymore in terms of being super famous and what not. My whole life I tried to be so popular. It all began in primary school, I assume. I was too tired of being in the background and in someone else's shadow. I don't care about what others say. The mean things they throw at me like a catapult. There will always be something that you lack of. But in the end, only how certain people look at you matter. Society will always tell you you're wrong. But you don't have to be victimized by society, you just have to find yourself.

When I look and compare my primary school self to myself now, I feel happy. I am a changed and a better person now, Alhamdulillah.

Insya Allah, may 2016 be the year that I become the best version of myself.

                               

I promised that I would write a message to some people but this is not the post therefore I am sorry. InsyaAllah, I will do it when I have plenty ideas in my mind.
              

Dear teachers and students of Sri Aman,

"You gave me an infinity within the numbered days."
-John Green in The Fault in Our Stars

I was here for 3 years and a month.

Trust me, I hated this school so much when I got in here, I basically had no friends, tried too hard to fit in.

But now, I found myself. I found the real me thanks to Sri Aman.

I have also discovered so many hidden talent in me.

I never knew I could run in 1500m races non stop, nor do I ever know that I could speak spontaneously (and religiously).

I would like to thank the teachers who have diligently teaching me throughout.

I left in hopes that I would be more independent as I am always dependent on others and also hope that I would be a better Muslimah. I know that I can do it here in Sri Aman. But I will always remember what Ustazah Rohana said to me, "Imam Syafie pun kata kalau nak belajar, kena berhijrah. Berhijrah lah." Thank you so much teacher.

To my friends, no words can describe how much you guys mean to me. Each and every one of you mean a lot to me. InsyaAllah, I will remember all of you.

This is not goodbye.

Currently reading page 365 of 365. In a book, this is where the author acknowledges everyone. In my book, I've had my ups and downs in 2013. However, this is by far the BEST year I've ever had. I've achieved so many things which I didn't even expect I would. It all thanks to Allah SWT for blessing this year for me and my mom for always supporting me and telling me I can be anything I want to be. Looking back this year, I summarized that, you know what, I CAN be anything I want to with effort. They say we can't cope with a lot of things in a year, yet Alhamdulillah, I did. I am sad that I'd leave this year though. Next year, I would try and be more active. I did it once, I'll try and do it again. InsyaAllah, with effort, I am able to be active both academic and co-curricular wise.
Such a wondrous year, so little time. Thank you to everyone who made my year.

I pray that next year would be a better year. So here's to a new year.

                 

2014
NEW YEAR,
NEW HOPE,
NEW DISAPPOINTMENT,
NEW CHANCES,
NEW ADVENTURES,
NEW ME.

2014, here I come. Watch me.

Greetings, everyone.

My schedule has been so jam-packed lately. Since I'm here I'm totally procrastinating because I'm a lazy ass haha hah hah.

Just when I thought I'm done with competitions for the semester, my friend reminded me last Friday that I will be going for Mighty Minds Competition. In case you didn't know what a Mighty Mind is, it's a competition where they ask about general knowledge, math and science. I signed up because I heard the word "Maths" so I agreed. We got to know the hands-on challenge the day before...

2 weeks later

Haha you guys I'm so sorry I'm so lazy to even update this blog see I'm so lazy and whenever I'm here I'm just like "oh let's watch Glee!" "oh lets recap PLL!" sigh.