"Find the Ain who was confident in everything, find the Ain who never gave up, even when there were turbulences hitting her, find the Ain who was committed. find her and get her back."

Hello friends, thank you for listening to the rants I am pouring onto this blog. Especially to those who have been reading my blog since 2011. Thank you, for being there witnessing my journey. Things have changed now, I'm no longer the person who writes with simplicity. My style of writing is now more intricate, and somewhat slightly more emotional. That is me, fellow friends. That emotional girl who writes with my heart.

I have lost so many things as I grow older. Most importantly, I've lost my confidence. I somehow could no longer believe that I could be the best that I could be. Some people may ask, "Really, Aynn? The Aynn is no longer who she is?" People from when I was younger probably knew who I was, that girl who is confident, who is ever-willing to improve, and is always capable of doing more, ever-willing to discover new potential. The older me? I'm not pin-pointing this to anyone. But I personally feel that my previous cohort made me who I am now.

I am not afraid to say this now, since the people are no longer here, they no longer appear when I roam around my school grounds. I was bullied. Not physically bullied. But verbal bullying. I never knew how physical bullying felt like, and I'm blessed for that, Alhamdulillah. However, verbal bullying takes depression into a whole new level. They make you discover flaws you never knew existed in you.

Fat. Ugly. Ordinary. Every Malay word which represents these two words.

These negative words struck me until now, and these words cut deep into my throat, as my positive words wailed into these reign of thoughts, then proceeded into darkness as it failed to reach into this brain of mine.

I'm always thinking that I'm never good enough.

"Cuba tengok macam dia tu, kan comel. Lawa. Cantik. Kau ni apa? Muka biasa je."

"Q, kau tak rasa terancam ke dia lagi pandai dari kau?"

"Ye ke kau lari laju? Kau kan gemuk."

"Alah Q ni apa je.. dah la muka gelap"

ENOUGH AIN. ENOUGH.

There was one time where I was supposed to go back to my old school, to give a motivational talk. Upon preparing for the talk, my mom wanted me to tell them those negative words that spewed from the negative people in my life. The minute she mentioned those, tears start falling. Why do I waste so much tears thinking about these? They are not worth my tears, at all.

But thank you, to those who brought me down. You are the major contributor who made me become who I am now.

But thanks to you too, I am still breathing, and ever-willing to find the old Ain back. You want me to become the Q you defined me? Hell no. You are not to define me.

Only I will define myself.

Disclaimer: Where are you now, anyway?

The fellow youngsters reading this blog, do not let people, not even your closest friends, bring you down. You do you, and the only person who will believe in you, is

YOU.

Note:
Aynn- nickname pre-2014
Q- nickname post-2014
Ain - what I call myself

Oh well, I was scrolling this Facebook page and I picked the ones I can relate to.

"It doesn't matter what others think. What matters most is what people you love think about you"

But I think that everyone has insecurities. Except that girls who are strong don't show it. I've read this article, you should check it out.

How to Not Care What People Think of You

Found this on Tumblr.

Hello again, I've been relentlessly in a bad mood. But I always feel much happier when I'm dancing crazily. I've been a sleepy head lately. I spend too much time on the internet. I'm pretty sure my marks will be disappointing. I can't get this eerie feeling out of my mind. I think that I have underestimated my friend. I think that I am just another moronic living in this wonderful world. I have a feeling all my friends think I'm just a nosy person. I wish I could be inside a box for a while. Ask them how they feel when I'm gone. Allah, help me! I am nothing without your help. O Allah, I know I'm not a perfect servant and I always rush while doing the prayers. How can I be a better Muslimah?

I had to release these feelings. Sorry.

This week is one hell of a busy week. I'm actually secretly writing this post. I'm supposed to be asleep by now.

How's your exam results? Don't worry, it's not PMR or SPM yet. I know, once you make mistakes, you will never repeat the same ones again. Like they say, once bitten, twice shy.

I am such a useless person. I talk without thinking. Have you ever felt regretting something you said? Now, mom thinks I'm desperately wanting for a boyfriend. I do not. I'm too young. I have a lot to venture yet, why waste time on something worthless by having a relationship that you might not know if it last forever or not? Ugh, I hate myself for being myself. I feel so worthless at times. Sometimes, my exam results or achievements I get never satisfies my family. And since I have a cousin living with me, it's worse.

You get compared with her.

Mia is this, Mia is that, Mia is everything nice.

Ain is so busuk hati, Ain doesn't appreciate others. Ain is sensitive. Everything bad is in Ain.

So, back to reality.

I am currently reading Cathy Cassidy books. I read Indigo Blue, Dizzy, half of Driftwood, Angel Cake, Sundae Girl. Now I'm reading Scarlett. It's fun because it's a less-than-hour book. I read one book for 50 minutes and the best book I've read so far is Sundae Girl. Kevin Carter is sweet to Jude Reilly. The ending is sad. But really, I'm the person who loves happy + sad endings.


I'm watching Hunger Games on Sunday! Woop dee doo! I'm very excited.

Have you ever had the feeling where you feel that your old friends are ditching you? I sure did. Here are some things my old friends do to me that made me feel like a fool

1. They don't reply you when you send a message.
They act like they don't know you in FB, they don't reply to your mentions on Twitter, they don't reply your  text message. Like come on, I can't be wasting time with someone who doesn't reply to me. I'm not a fool. 

2. They deleted your number
So I wrote, "Hi, how's life?" to my old best friend and she said, "Who is this?" From that, she/he definitely deleted your number.

3. They always decline when you say you invite them to an outing.
I don't mind if you declined it once or twice with reasonable excuses. But, I know they don't want to hangout with me. Because every time I ask that someone lets go for an outing. And all she replied was ok. I asked her back where. No reply.... definitely she thinks I ajak-ajak ayam only.

I should really move on with life. LIFE GOES ON.

Where did I get the title? Cough Syrup of course.

This is literally a short post.

This morning, Mia was always staring at my Twitter. I ask you, how do you feel when someone likes to stare at you and things that you do and that someone might tell your family about it? So I was trying to entertain her by creating her a Twitter account. Click here to follow her. Well, she took one minute just to press a letter so I'm literally the one typing for her.

So, I am a Twitter Freak nowadays. Usually I update my blogs regularly like two posts a day but now I'm more into Twitter. Like 24 hours tweeting. I used my mom's BB whenever I don't use my laptop to tweet. I met some of my Glee friends, yay now I have someone to talk about Glee with. Usually, I just write my glee rants here. I received this from Nadhirah.

Seems like my image uploader has got its problem, maybe later.

It's very sweet of her and few of my friends to say nice things about my singing. Though I know I need to practice more. Speaking of practices, I need to practice for my biathlon, which is in December. It is 400 m of swimming and 3 km of running. My mom and I sorted out how I'm supposed to swim and later put on my running attire to run. I am scared because it is my first attempt at doing two athletic things at once. I think I'm train for 300 m because usually I train for 1.3 KM. But I am nervous for running. What if I slipped and wet and stuff? Well, Ain, don't worry much.



I am packed for my Penang trip tomorrow. You might as well ask, "Wait, you're going to Penang again?" This time it is for my mom's company's Family Day. I'm coming back on Sunday. I'll try and post some pictures here and at Twitter as well.

Oh, and I can't wait for I Kissed A Girl episode. Watch the performance of the Glee girls. It's awesome. I accidentally played it out loud and my grandfather heard it. Awkward.

So today I got my exam results. I got Maths. Remember I told you I do not want to talk about my previous exam? It sucks so bad especially Maths since I got totally low marks. Alhamdulillah, I've coped up and got 60/60 for my Paper 2. Amin for that. Sejarah. After all those hard work, tears and too many quizzes with classmates, I got 55/60. I had to tell you this. Lets name this person, V. Well,
She copied me.
She copied my Sejarah paper.

You may think I am the jump-into-conclusion type of girl, oh no. I saw V copied me. With her really-long-neck  , she peeked through my OMR paper and whenever I looked at her back, she pretended to look at her paper. The next day, Puan Faezah asked me if I'd copied 'V'. I was like no. Then V was asked the same thing and said no, duh like she'll admit. Turns out that today she has the same marks as I do. I checked her objective paper, I saw no. 15 and one question, she erased the wrong answer and shaded the same answer as mine. If you think I am perasan, ask the teacher who reported to Puan Faezah. Well, too bad I didn't know her name. I literally cried as I saw those so-many-post-it-notes stuck on my Sejarah textbook thinking, I worked so hard, then someone just copied me like, 'shazam!'. O Allah, show the truth on what really happened during that period to me, teacher and 'the person' because You are the only God who sees everything. Amin.

Oh wait, I haven't told you my Agama Islam results yet, I got 87/100. Not including formative marks. Insya-Allah if I get full formative, I'll get 90. Ustazah was quite upset. She said I could've had done it brilliantly. My previous exam results' are way better than this current one. Oh, sorry for dissapointing you. Very sorry. I did study like crazy. I mean, smartly. Well like old people say, 'sesal dahulu pendapatan, sesal kemudian idak berguna'

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