I never got a gold medal for any sports event. But I did get that award and the double-page feature. And the momentum continued in tgb. I strived for Pelajar Cemerlang, but some other dude got it. 

My family told me it's because he's in the student council and that's where I lack. Really? Student council? That council whose faces we see every day, those who are in charge of roll-calling* juniors. My family sees the fame. But they never see what I see.

When the council calls us late at night, when they get scolding from teachers because the batchmates are committing unacceptable disciplinary actions, when honestly we are in no control of another person's actions. I guess that point I understand, but the berkat* especially when you taunt juniors and make them stay up late because of one person's behaviour. 

So that was my reason. I did not want people to hold vengeance on me. Because that's not what true leaders do. True leaders don't make other people suffer because of one person's consequence. At least not all 450 of them. True leaders go behind the scene. True leaders engage with those under their guidance and help them succeed together. 

Sorry, the subject got sidetracked. I just really wanted to say this for a goddamn long time because I was quite unhappy with my family's reaction of me not getting that stupid award.

Then I decided, I'm doing all these, for my family. For my mom who was unemployed when I was having SPM. For my grandpa and grandma who came all the way from KL to visit me every month. 

And I guess, part of it was, for me.

I got the scholarship. I had the toughest time in KTJ. I hated how I worked hard and still fail to get good results for Cambridge or my any of my dream unis in fact. 

So there I was in Warwick. My self-loathe continues. I truly hated myself. There are times where I picture myself do absurd things because I hated being me. This stupid, stupid, me.

But now, it came across me, why have I never thought of studying for Allah?

Because it is in the Quran to gain knowledge, and it is with this knowledge I can help the nation, to create better policies for them. To be more helpful and engaging for them as they try to take up the pieces left by the former corrupted regime. 

Why did I waste three years of my life agonizing on things that have happened when really, none of this matters. Who cares if you didn't get into Cambridge or London unis? Allah will not see that when you meet Him in Padang Mahsyar. He looks at your namaz* prayers. As to how often you talk to Him for when you are sad, or blessed. He looks at your relationship with your family and friends. He looks at how you can be useful to the ummah. 

And you can do so with your knowledge. Knowledge is so, so important. Whether it be economics, or art, or spinning, or sharing your experience to people for them to feel motivated, to empower them to become better people.

I also realised. I'm not stupid. I never was. So why did I speak so low of myself like that? To punish myself? Because it hurts. Listening to that word. It truly does because deep down I know, I'm not stupid. I am smart. I am intelligent. Always have been.

So why did you waste your time?

I can only say, that was in the past.

I can only hope that this time, my intention is right. And this time, with Allah by my side, I know,

I can succeed.