I decide my own path, hence that's why I am experimenting. I'm really happy I'm no longer doing things to force myself to feel happy. I just, genuinely am. Last year, I was a hypocrite. I admit it, I hated it here. There's nothing here. But even then I was ungrateful, and I know that. To one point I was so lonely, I had an attack.


Yeah, you know the drill. I told this to you so many times, you have gotten sick of it. Once again, Ain and her pity party.

but hey, at least I'm better now. I think I've recognised the value of being here, to step back and look at the enormous things I have done, that some people only can dream to achieve, but I was still ungrateful.

And now, I truly realise the value of me being here. I am out of the toxic KTJ, and away from the people who were from KTJ (some of them) really. I thought I hated being around my drunk flatmates, but when they're sober I had so much fun cooking with them and I miss them a lot. I miss singing to Les Mis with them. I miss returning home from a long day of MNight and CMD rehearsals to find Jamie cooking a nice chicken soup for me, with the halal meat I set aside. I miss them a lot, and I only realise this after I left.

Now, I appreciate the value of time. I realised I only have about one and a half year here. And that I spent 100% of my first year coping with my deteriorating mental health. But I want to make it up this time. I want to make this right.

I'm going to make the best out of my second year. Wake up at 5am (latest 7am) go to my 7.30am swim sesh, sometimes leave a bit later, mornings to noon spent on lectures and revision, evenings spent on ECAs and sleep by 9pm. Plus my secret project.

I've started asking other people questions, if I'm afraid, I would just message or email them. With technology, communication shouldn't be an excuse. My questions usually involve me volunteering and basically asking tips to be a better dancer/swimmer whatever. And I LOVE their answers. They ALWAYS try to reply! They ALWAYS encourage me to participate, even when I am, different.

I hope that I can spend more time enjoying my life here, before Malaysia takes me back, or basically when I come back to Malaysia. Three years is too short, but life is beautiful here, I wouldn't trade it any other way.