Ugh, not me having another existential crisis once again.

This happens every time I start a new chapter. Whether it be studying at a new school. Wait, it's usually that haha. But this time, I am starting my first full-time job.

It's a bit scary to think, oh my god, this will be my life until I retire?? No freaking way. I guess it hasn't sunk in yet. Before CMCO, I had the opportunity to talk to at least 10 people in my company. Sometimes it surprises me when I see people doing the same thing for years and years. They must really love the job.

Starting your first job in a pandemic is a different feeling, I reckon. You deprive yourself of the networking opportunities usually made for us freshies. You don't get to see everyone in the office to observe their dynamics. You get to hear kids in your virtual meeting. When your boss says, please organise a meeting, all you have to do is go on Microsoft Teams and add relevant people. 

Sometimes I wonder, why am I usually by myself when I start a new adventure? When I went to TGB, nobody from Sri Aman went with me. When I went to university, the only person I thought could cling onto disappeared into thin air (and that is okay, because we shouldn't peg anyone's wings in order for them to fly). I grew up on my own, so it should be okay to manage things by myself, right? I am all by myself in this new job too. I know nobody here. Nobody knows me. 

But apart from all that, you do get to see managers who try their best to give you jobs that suit your background. And if you work hard enough to show your capabilities, they give you more work that keeps you going. And yet, you still feel empty, why is that? 

I like to use historical analysis to describe my feelings and experience. If ever I experienced something I've felt in the past, I could foresee what's next based on my past. It's what economists call, adaptive expectations. So I know, this is definitely an existential crisis.

I also happen to always base my expectations on other people's experience. While I do want to go with the flow, I need to have certainty. Perhaps it's the anxiety in me, but I'd like to think I can manage it a lot better than before. It's like a benchmark of what were to happen if I commit to something. 

"That's what they think, but what do you think, Q?", someone once asked me.

I stopped track because to be honest, I am not one to stand tall on my opinions. Perhaps I sound like I do on social media. I want to be able to make my own decisions, without having to adhere to other people's plans for me. I want to be able to find my end goal. Is it wrong that I haven't seen it? Metaphorically speaking, it feels like traveling on a road that's taking you somewhere, but it's blurry so you just keep driving until you see something in the end. 

I admire people who know what they want. It makes me feel guilty for not knowing what I want. But you know what, this is a hard lesson to myself that I have to experience on my own. For now, I will trust the process.