Hi all, it's been a while, I drafted a very emotional post the last time I was here, but I couldn't bear to write anything about it. My last published post was written when I had Covid-19, and just 6 days before my grandmother's passing. Indeed, Allah loves her more. But Allah is also the Greatest Planner, I wondered why my life was in a certain way, but He gave me a huge enlightenment this month, and I know for a fact that the blessings I have now, is because of my grandma's prayers. Perhaps she didn't want me to mourn about her departure for too long, so she prayed to Allah to occupy me with things that I can really work on. 

Isn't it beautiful, how Allah's timing is always right? It reminds me of when Rasulullah SAW was really sad of his wife's and uncle's passing, so Allah made him happy by allowing him to perform Isra' and Mi'raj. To climb to the highest of the clouds and see Him. It made me reflect on how imperfect I am, yet Allah always tries to make me happy. More importantly, I am grateful that He allowed me to recover from my mental health state during Ramadan, as I get to spend a lot of quality time with my grandma, who'd knew it would be my last Ramadan with her. Also, every time I think about this I would cry, it's that I only managed to do tadarus (an act of reciting the quran) with her once. Although it was only a short while, I feel comforted that now Allah is able to take care of her, far better than the rest of us.

And with her prayers, I am able to move on to my next journey. It's quite daunting to do everything all at once, but it felt like 15-year-old me again. Oh, if you're a new reader, I would always benchmark myself against 15-year-old me because that was indeed my golden time. I was doing well in my studies, athletic, lived a drama-free life and was really excelling in life. Honestly, it's not that I want to chase the dunya per se, I just liked the mindset I had that time. I was just very driven. I would not let anything distract me from my studies or from running like crazy, despite being in last place for Sports Day. My stamina was at its best and I think that helped me a lot with my energy and concentration. 

So when I say, I feel like my 15-year old self again, it means that I feel alive. Sometimes I do feel lethargic and stressed, but I don't feel like my soul is sucked out of my body anymore haha. Well, I don't know if I'm speaking too soon, but still, I will enjoy this moment. Yesterday, a speaker to a talk I went yesterday said, "perhaps at the start of your career you may not have a life, but you learn a huge amount.", and that he is glad he did it, there was a sacrifice at the start, but it was worthwhile. In my opinion, I always believe that if you truly love what you do, you will always make time for it. Hence, I will make sure that I do whatever I am doing with sincerity.

Anyways, you can tell I lowkey miss writing because I am ranting about anything but the topic of this post haha. Perhaps I shall write on anything and everything in another post. Thus, as I progress to the next journey of my life, here is what I can recall, so that when I read this blog when I feel disheartened, I am reminded of the fiery Aynn who loves learning new things, and that I will always be a lifelong learner.

a) If you love what you do, you will never work a day

Remember how much you hated that subject, Aynn? Well look at you now, don't you feel like the biggest clown? This is going to be a long and arduous journey ahead, but you must stay strong and think about how much you enjoy listening to the news every morning and see how the world changes amid one single action or remark. You want to be the writer, the researcher, the analyst that you will be proud of. Honestly, doing things that are not in line with your passion can suck the soul out of you. So keep doing things that you love, be it a hobby or an online course. Life will give you a lot more reason if you do so.

b) Set genuine intention, always

Why do you want to be a knowledge seeker? Let me share with you mine. I want to seek knowledge that can help me contribute to the team, which ultimately contributes to the betterment of the nation. I always find seeking for the finer things in life more fulfilling than personal benefit, regardless of how holier-than-thou this statement seemed. But setting the intention will help you when things go wrong. When you feel burnt out, or when you feel like giving up, remembering why you started it in the first place will help you to keep going, slowly yet surely.

c) Learning something new every day is a blessing, so be consistent.

For me, I realised that learning something new every day is a joy. You will discover that life has always something to offer, the more you learn about it. It keeps your mind energised, and I'm not saying this because I am on an ecstasy, and that this feeling will die down soon. But learning things you care about, things that interest you would keep the momentum going. But in order for you to understand what you learn, you need to be consistent. You need to start early, you need to romanticise this knowledge-seeking life (at least this is important to me), after all, God loves those who seek knowledge. The Prophet Muhammad PBUH in a hadith narrated by Anas ibn Malik,

اطلُبُوا العِلْمَ ولو بالصينِ

Which means to go the extra mile to study. Perhaps in my mind, for the next few years, I have envisioned myself being a career-oriented/ knowledge-seeker, hence, I will work on this. And hope that the momentum would last.